September 2011
Greetings, Sacred Path Community,
There are some important changes to announce regarding the upcoming retreat next month. Our special guest presenter, Tolly Burkan, informed us that he would not be able to participate due to a medical condition requiring a surgical procedure. I had been in discussion with Charles Horton of FIRE, and we decided to not bring the fire walk, glass walk and other elements that they facilitate from their home base in Texas at this time. Due to this change of plans we’re reducing the price of the retreat from $495 to $425.
We are bringing Grandfather Soldier Bear back from the Lakota Reservation to officiate some ceremony initiating men into Mindful manhood. Andrew and Thomas will be pouring water for our lodges and doctoring all of the men and offering some formidable teachings and ceremony from the Lakota traditional ways. You will find in this newsletter what Grandfather taught us last year regarding the 7 essential standards for manhood in the Lakota community. We envision that men from Andrew’s Buffalo Warrior Society will join us on the hill. Perhaps some men from the Pine Ridge Reservation in South Dakota will accompany Grandfather.
Please keep in mind that we are first and foremost a community of men. I stress the word “community” because we are not just in the business of putting on retreats. We have been offering our Sacred Path Retreats for the past 24 years. Since that time we have grown into a community of men that gather together for the purpose of putting our lives on track by following a Devotional Path. As we continue to expand our Mindfulness, strengthen our fellowship and recommit to our families, it’s apparent that we’re living the good life. We are in fact examples of our mission statement, “Bringing good men together and bringing out the best in them.”
Our community has thrived for almost 25 years, enjoying easy times and enduring tough times. Many of our men have handled their own troubles in large part because they have had this community to lean on and have experienced the support and love of brothers that understand and care. We are witnessing more young men come into our ranks now. They need what we have to offer and we are learning from them. They’re finding their own places with us.
The theme of this retreat is A Time of Ashes: Initiation into Mindful Manhood on the Path of the Spiritual Warrior. You can read about “ashes work” in a separate piece included in this newsletter. On the hill we’ll unite to create ritual ceremony to commemorate rites of passage for all of the men spanning the ages from youth to Elder. We can create ceremony for the young men that are finding their way in the world. We can create ceremony for the men in the middle of their lives that are traversing the tricky passage through midlife. We know how important the community can be when one is journeying through the dark part of the forest. Older men have much to offer to the men in the middle. That time of the dark night of the soul can be harrowing, and not having to go it alone can certainly bolster one’s spirits when the light at the end is hard to see.
As older men cross over into Elderhood we need to recognize accomplishments. We need to welcome our older men into the generational kingdom of the Elders. Grandfather Soldier Bear is the perfect Elder to initiate us into this higher realm of devotion. As a community we have witnessed many trials and tribulations and have been learning the lessons taught by each of the three levels of manhood.
I will facilitate a process that will bring into focus the significance of life’s lessons. It should clarify the timeframe that we have for accomplishing our destinies. There will be a variety of breakout sessions and a couple of surprises. Men have told me that they’re bringing new men with them. Our numbers were down for the April retreat because we had 14 men who needed to drop out due to the flu. Let’s boost our numbers in October. Invite one or more men to accompany you. Forward this newsletter and print out the PDF of the flier to hand out. Let’s join together to create the best retreat ever.
In brotherhood,
Stephen
To download the flyer for the Fall 2011 Sacred Path Retreat, click HERE
To download the fill-in application for the Fall 2011 Sacred Path Retreat, click HERE
Saturday, September 3, 2011
A Time of Ashes: Initiation into Mindful Manhood
The Path of the Spiritual Warrior
The title and inherent theme of this retreat is: A Time of Ashes: Initiation into Mindful Manhood on the Path of the Spiritual Warrior. Robert Bly in his groundbreaking book about men, Iron John, published over 20 years ago, took up the issue of naïveté, numbness, depression and katabasis in the chapter titled The Road of Ashes, Descent, and Grief.
The Greeks spoke of katabasis as an abrupt drop when a man no longer feels like a special person. Bly states that these days katabasis comes about through addiction to alcohol, drugs, food, sex, etc. “The man loses his health and ends up with thin legs, flat energy, deprived of wife and children, deprived of friends, house, money. He loses his job, self-respect, and every mark of his former art and life.”
Bly goes on to say that in the nineteenth century, men characteristically failed to notice the female suffering, and in this century, men have added another inattention: they characteristically have failed to notice their own suffering. Men endeavor to stay above it, away from it rather than dealing with it by going down and into it, to learn from it. He encourages men to take the downward path as an elective to avoid the crisis or potential disaster that can arise from katabasis. Depression is a form of katabasis. The epidemic of anxiety is wreaking havoc in the lives of millions of men. Exploring one’s grievances and getting in touch with one’s grief can be the antidote.
It appears that psyche arranges a severe katabasis if the man does not know enough to go down on his own. Bly suggests that, “With intitiators gone from our culture, we do not receive instruction on how to go down on our own... To live the life of ashes is very different from dropping into katabasis. It doesn’t require a fall in social status. It is not so explosive; there is something about ashes that is steady, even lethargic... Ashes and cinders in fairy tales are code words for the ashy, sooty, depressed, ‘out of it’ time.”
“The word ashes contains in it a dark feeling for death; ashes when put on the face whiten it as death does...some men around thirty-five or forty will begin to experience ashes privately, without ritual, even without old men. They begin to notice how many of their dreams have turned to ashes.”
Bly gives us, “...By contrast, the old men in traditional initiation lead the young men to the Beneath Father, near where the ancestors live and where snakes are... Initiation asks the son to move his love energy away from the attractive mother to the relatively unattractive serpent father. All that is ashes-work. When a man enters this stage he regards Descent as a holy thing, he increases his tolerance for ashes, eats dust as snakes do, increases his stomach for terrifying insights, deepens his ability to digest evil facts of history, accepts the job of working seven years under the ground, leaves the granary at will through the rat’s hole, bites on cinders, learns to shudder, and follows the voice of the old mole below the ground.”
When we reach crossroads in life, we all search for answers differently. In one of the daily lessons in Science of Mind: A Guide for Spiritual Living, I read that when Jesus was facing the fateful hours preceding the culmination of his destiny he paced in the garden. Joseph Campbell went to a cabin for five years, the Buddha sat under a tree, some of us meditate or pray, others listen to music, and still others walk in nature. There is not just one way. What is important is that we make some time to go deep within to seek our answers. A retreat from the world offers that time.
Campbell writes that a young Native American was given this advice at the time of his initiation: “As you go the way of life, you will see a great chasm. Jump. It’s not as wide as you think.” We can become what we imagine if we have the courage to move into our dreams. Our October retreat offers you that opportunity.
This upcoming retreat will, for the 24th year in a row, bring together good men to bring out the best in them. We’ll assemble about 25 staff members and upwards of 75 participants. We dedicate this time for gathering the men of our community to receive great gifts. What can result from leaving your homeland and coming up on the mountain can make an immeasurable difference in your life. Those of you that have been here before know that to be true. Your homecoming will commemorate that which can be gained by your taking the path of ashes and doing good work in the way of the spiritual warrior. We’ll experience time for descent and ascent; time for self-reflection and expression; time for solitude and engagement; time to laugh and to cry; time for work and for play and ultimately time to bring out the best in your self.
Grandfather Soldier Bear will return from the Lakota Reservation in South Dakota to be with us again this year bringing the tribal teachings of manhood and will conduct a formal initiation into Elderhood. I know that our Lakota brothers, Andrew Soliz and Thomas Alvarez, will be pouring water for our Sweat Lodges. John Mafrici will travel down from Oregon to facilitate our Sacred Breathing Sessions. MCLA Associate Directors Steve Branker and Dan Franklin will be by my side to take the helm on guiding the flow of this retreat. Master drummers Christo Pellani and Grant Mays will build the energy. The devoted men of the Wisdom Council will be present as Tribe Leaders and to be of service as needed. Even though we assemble a coterie of remarkable teachers, it’s you and all of the other men that comprise the Sacred Path Community that render these retreats so successful. It’s not uncommon to hear the same comment year after year, “this retreat was the best.”
To download the flyer for the Fall 2011 Sacred Path Retreat, click HERE
To download the fill-in application for the Fall 2011 Sacred Path Retreat, click HERE
A Message from Andrew Soliz
Dear Brothers,
I am happy to say that once again we will be running sweats for the upcoming retreat in October. This will be our seventh year doing ceremony together. I have been honored to bring my loved ones to share their teachings as well. I hope to bring my cousin Thomas with me as well as Soldier Bear/Grandfather.
Since we met last, I have put together teachings from indigenous warrior societies from around the world with an emphasis on Native American cultures. I am grateful to say that Stephen has asked me to share this with the community this fall. We will be learning the Medicine wheel and its use as a tool in our lives for healing and direction.
The Medicine Wheel is a tool, a map of life and for life. It symbolizes the individual journey we all must take to find our own path. It is a physical manifestation of Spiritual energy, an outer expression of an internal dialog. It allows us to see what is going on inside us. It helps us with our vision to see exactly where we are and in which areas we need to develop to reach our full potential.
Along with an ancestral healing process and healing from the sweat lodges this will be a retreat of profound impact for us all. I look forward to seeing everyone again.
Peace,
Andrew
I am happy to say that once again we will be running sweats for the upcoming retreat in October. This will be our seventh year doing ceremony together. I have been honored to bring my loved ones to share their teachings as well. I hope to bring my cousin Thomas with me as well as Soldier Bear/Grandfather.
Since we met last, I have put together teachings from indigenous warrior societies from around the world with an emphasis on Native American cultures. I am grateful to say that Stephen has asked me to share this with the community this fall. We will be learning the Medicine wheel and its use as a tool in our lives for healing and direction.
The Medicine Wheel is a tool, a map of life and for life. It symbolizes the individual journey we all must take to find our own path. It is a physical manifestation of Spiritual energy, an outer expression of an internal dialog. It allows us to see what is going on inside us. It helps us with our vision to see exactly where we are and in which areas we need to develop to reach our full potential.
Along with an ancestral healing process and healing from the sweat lodges this will be a retreat of profound impact for us all. I look forward to seeing everyone again.
Peace,
Andrew
The Seven Ways of Life
By Grandfather Soldier Bear
1. WACEKIYE - Prayer to and for all of creation. Pray every morning and thank Creator for giving us another day. Before sleep time, thank Creator for giving us a good day. "Anpetu wasteh” means “good morning” in Lakota. Always remember and pray before meals. Pray that people will have open minds before meetings – we call meetings “omniciye”.
2. WAOKIYE – Be helpful to children and elders, and help every person in whatever way you can. We call children “wakaneza”. “Wakan” means sacred as well as meaning The Creator. As Lakotas, we chastise anyone who harms a child.
3. WAUNSILA – literal translation is to have pity for, to have empathy or compassion for someone. The compassion for a fellow human goes further and includes all of the living creatures in our universe.
4. WOWICAKE – Honesty in all that you do and say. Be true to yourself and speak of things you know to be true. Not being honest with oneself is self-deception. Many things are the same - light and dark, heat and cold – these are the same thing and are different in degree only. Honesty and dishonesty are not the same – a lie is a lie and the truth is the truth.
5. WAOHOLA – Respect for all of the Creator’s children, i.e. mankind and all of the things in nature. Have and show respect for your elders. Especially have respect for the women, for they are your grandmothers, mothers, sisters and wives. Be like a man and protect women; never abuse them mentally, physically or spiritually. If you do, you will no longer be a man. That is our belief as Lakotas. I hope that every man could witness what happens when danger threatens a herd of elk or buffalo. [ed. - The males encircle the females and calves, horns facing outward, protecting them with their lives.]
6. WOKSAPA – Wisdom, knowledge that can help mankind. Wisdom does not come with age or with the accumulation of knowledge. Wisdom is the process of applying what knowledge you have in a good way for the benefit of your fellow man.
7. WAHWALA – Humility is recognizing that in comparison to the Creator we know very little and understand even less. When we practice the first five ways and understand the significance of them in a spiritual manner, we may gain a little wisdom. When we actually use our wisdom to help someone and we do it without expecting any acknowledgment from anyone, and we do it with heart, then and only then will they say, “He is a humble person.” I have never heard a truly humble man say that he was humble.
Thursday, August 4, 2011
Director's Message for August 2011
Greetings Sacred Path Community,
Do you ever stop to consider the risks you tend to take or avoid in the process of navigating the day-to-day trajectory of your life? We humans are called on to make decisions on a daily basis that contain some element of risk. Even getting in the car and traveling a few blocks is not without some risk. There are those of us that are natural risk-takers or thrill seekers, and on the other end of the spectrum we find those of us that are considered risk-avoidant. Where do you believe you fall along this continuum?
Life seems to be predicated on a series of transactions that either maximize the potential for risking successfully or mitigate the pitfalls associated with the less than favorable consequences from a risk gone awry. How do you navigate this process? Do you find it relatively easy, inconsequential, or quite challenging to take the necessary steps to stretch out of your comfort zone? What’s at stake when you decide to take the risk to do something perhaps new or bold or daring?
I reflected on this the other day after reading the morning lesson in Daily OM, titled Risking to Take a Chance. The message contained the following information:
“If you are considering taking risks today, you may find the following exercise helpful: Give some thought to times in the past when you have taken on new challenges or responsibilities. Think about the adjustments you made to meet your new obligations. Recall how this experience helped you to grow and achieve your goals. This exercise can motivate you to push through with your risk-taking impulses. Reflecting on the times we succeeded in taking risks can give us the confidence we need to take chances in the present. We have a wealth of blessings in our lives now that came about because we were willing to take a risk. Though we had no way of knowing how our risks would turn out, we used our knowledge and a measure of faith to move ahead into the unknown. In hindsight we can appreciate that our willingness led us to successful outcomes. Remember the good that has manifested in your life as a result of the risks you’ve taken, and you will have the confidence you need to take more chances today.”
When you reflect on attending the Fall Sacred Path Men’s Retreat, do you consider the stakes or what might be at risk by participating? For newcomers, the risk might be connected to the unknown. For others, it might have to do with some component of the retreat that carries an element of risk. Maybe it’s to open up and communicate something authentic about yourself to the other men, or perhaps it’s to take the first step onto a path you never thought you’d be able to cross. What are you willing to relinquish in order to allow change to occur? Maybe the risk has more to do with what might be activated at home or at work as a result of your taking the time away for yourself from your normal activities. Maybe there is what you risk in not going to the retreat that contains aspects of loss, disconnection, isolation and loneliness. So, there may exist risk in going as well as the potential risk of not going.
As you contemplate whether you are registering for the retreat or not, please do give careful consideration to what you risk by going or not going as the case may be. I hope that you will conclude that the risk of staying away outweighs the risk of taking the leap of faith and joining your brothers for this community event. You just may discover that what you risk can be hazardous to your misery.
Read about what we are putting together for this retreat and let Spirit move you accordingly. I know it’s going to be great, now discover it for your self.
In brotherhood,
Stephen
To read about the upcoming retreat, click HERE
To download the fill-in application, click HERE
Do you ever stop to consider the risks you tend to take or avoid in the process of navigating the day-to-day trajectory of your life? We humans are called on to make decisions on a daily basis that contain some element of risk. Even getting in the car and traveling a few blocks is not without some risk. There are those of us that are natural risk-takers or thrill seekers, and on the other end of the spectrum we find those of us that are considered risk-avoidant. Where do you believe you fall along this continuum?
Life seems to be predicated on a series of transactions that either maximize the potential for risking successfully or mitigate the pitfalls associated with the less than favorable consequences from a risk gone awry. How do you navigate this process? Do you find it relatively easy, inconsequential, or quite challenging to take the necessary steps to stretch out of your comfort zone? What’s at stake when you decide to take the risk to do something perhaps new or bold or daring?
I reflected on this the other day after reading the morning lesson in Daily OM, titled Risking to Take a Chance. The message contained the following information:
“If you are considering taking risks today, you may find the following exercise helpful: Give some thought to times in the past when you have taken on new challenges or responsibilities. Think about the adjustments you made to meet your new obligations. Recall how this experience helped you to grow and achieve your goals. This exercise can motivate you to push through with your risk-taking impulses. Reflecting on the times we succeeded in taking risks can give us the confidence we need to take chances in the present. We have a wealth of blessings in our lives now that came about because we were willing to take a risk. Though we had no way of knowing how our risks would turn out, we used our knowledge and a measure of faith to move ahead into the unknown. In hindsight we can appreciate that our willingness led us to successful outcomes. Remember the good that has manifested in your life as a result of the risks you’ve taken, and you will have the confidence you need to take more chances today.”
When you reflect on attending the Fall Sacred Path Men’s Retreat, do you consider the stakes or what might be at risk by participating? For newcomers, the risk might be connected to the unknown. For others, it might have to do with some component of the retreat that carries an element of risk. Maybe it’s to open up and communicate something authentic about yourself to the other men, or perhaps it’s to take the first step onto a path you never thought you’d be able to cross. What are you willing to relinquish in order to allow change to occur? Maybe the risk has more to do with what might be activated at home or at work as a result of your taking the time away for yourself from your normal activities. Maybe there is what you risk in not going to the retreat that contains aspects of loss, disconnection, isolation and loneliness. So, there may exist risk in going as well as the potential risk of not going.
As you contemplate whether you are registering for the retreat or not, please do give careful consideration to what you risk by going or not going as the case may be. I hope that you will conclude that the risk of staying away outweighs the risk of taking the leap of faith and joining your brothers for this community event. You just may discover that what you risk can be hazardous to your misery.
Read about what we are putting together for this retreat and let Spirit move you accordingly. I know it’s going to be great, now discover it for your self.
In brotherhood,
Stephen
To read about the upcoming retreat, click HERE
To download the fill-in application, click HERE
Openings Available in Dr. Johnson's Evening Men's Groups
Openings are now available in Dr. Stephen Johnson's evening men's therapy/support groups. There is one space available on Tuesday night in Beverly Hills, and two openings are available on Wednesday night in Woodland Hills. For more information, call Dr. Johnson at 818-348-8948 or e-mail drj@drstephenjohnson.com.
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Men in Grief Seek Others Who Mourn as They Do
By PERRY GARFINKEL
In 1990, Sam and Gretchen Feldman cashed out on their share of a national chain of men’s apparel stores and retired to Martha’s Vineyard, Mass. There, they devoted their time to volunteer work and an active social calendar. The following years were golden ones for the Feldmans, but in 2007 Mrs. Feldman learned she had cancer. She died a year later. The Feldmans had been married 53 years, and Mr. Feldman’s grief was palpable to friends who knew him as a buoyant, resilient personality.
“There was a huge hole in my life that no amount of activity could replace,” said Mr. Feldman, now 82. “And except for my two daughters, there was no one I could turn to for solace.”
There was a local bereavement group for spouses, but Mr. Feldman opted out when he learned it consisted only of women.
“I just didn’t think women would relate to my pain,” he said. “And, frankly, I come from a generation that feels uncomfortable exposing our sadness and vulnerability to the opposite sex.” The loss of a loved one is a profoundly heartbreaking experience, but it is not the same for everyone. Research increasingly suggests that men and women experience grief in different ways, and the realization has bolstered a nascent movement of bereavement groups geared to men throughout the country. Many of them are affiliated with hospitals and hospice centers.
Concern about reaching men in grief has gained new urgency with shifting demographics. The number of men age 65 and older increased by 21 percent from 2000 to 2010, nearly double the 11.2 percent growth rate for women in that age group, according to census figures. As the gender gap in life span narrows, experts suggest that more men will be facing the loss of loved ones, particularly spouses.
Many will be not be prepared for the experience. The loss of a spouse often is crushing for men physically as well as psychologically. In a 2001 paper published in The Review of General Psychology, psychologists at the University of Utrecht in the Netherlands confirmed earlier data showing widowers have a higher incidence of mental and physical illness, disabilities, death and suicide than widows do. While women who lose their husbands often speak of feeling abandoned or deserted, widowers tend to experience the loss “as one of dismemberment, as if they had lost something that kept them organized and whole,” Michael Caserta, chairman of the Center for Healthy Aging at the University of Utah, said by e-mail.
The Harvard Bereavement Study, a landmark late 1960s investigation of spousal loss, found that widowers experienced the death of a wife as a multifaceted tragedy, a loss of protection, support and comfort that left many at sea. The men in the study relied heavily on their wives to manage their domestic lives, from household chores to raising their children, the researchers noted. The grief of men is compounded, Dr. Caserta added, by the fact that so many have been reluctant to directly address real feelings of deep sadness; until recently, men were expected to be emotionally controlled and inexpressive. Simply persuading grief-stricken men to attend a bereavement group is still no small challenge.
“While there’s strong indication that grief therapy helps men, historically men generally don’t join groups,” Phyllis Silverman, a grief researcher and an author of “Widower: When Men Are Left Alone,” said in a telephone interview.
There are also differences in the length of time men grieve, compared with women, and how long it takes to move on. An old axiom that “women mourn, men replace” turns out to be untrue.
“It used to be thought that men grieve acutely and heal more quickly, and that women grieve chronically over a longer time period,” said George A. Bonanno, a clinical psychology professor at Columbia University in New York. But now, Dr. Bonanno said, many researchers believe that grief follows a more complex pattern in both men and women. “No matter what sex, we oscillate between positive and negative emotions, between waves of sadness about the loss and hope for the future,” he said in a telephone interview. “This can be frustrating for men, who often seek the ‘quick-fix’ approach.”
Sherry Schachter, director of bereavement services at Calvary Hospital in the Bronx and a grief specialist for 25 years, said in a telephone interview: “While women grieve intuitively, open to expressing their feelings, men are ‘instrumental’ grievers. They’re not comfortable with talking about their feelings, and they prefer to do things to cope.”
In a men’s group she has run for the last few years, she said, “I never ask, ‘How do you feel?’ Rather, I ask, ‘What did you do?’ ”
In some cases, what men are doing is taking grief counseling into their own hands. Mr. Feldman started a biweekly bereavement group for widowers on Martha’s Vineyard, and two years ago spearheaded the Men’s Bereavement Network, a nonprofit organization seeking to establish and support grief groups for men nationwide. The network is helping to establish bereavement groups for men in places as diverse as DePere, Wis.; Clearwater, Fla.; and Danvers, Mass.
At a recent peer-led gathering of the Martha’s Vineyard group begun by Mr. Feldman, eight men in their late 40s to late 80s sat around the dining room table at the home of the session leader, Foster Greene. Dr. George Cohn, a local psychiatrist, sat alongside, for the most part a silent observer.
A retired fisherman, at 85 one of the older members of the group, spoke in a low voice, looking mostly into his coffee cup. His wife of 54 years died in 2010.
“I don’t know about you guys,” he said, quickly glancing around the table of men, “but for me it gets harder, not easier.” The other men nodded.
Later Dr. Cohn said, “Sometimes that’s all a man wants or needs — a sympathetic ear.”
In 1990, Sam and Gretchen Feldman cashed out on their share of a national chain of men’s apparel stores and retired to Martha’s Vineyard, Mass. There, they devoted their time to volunteer work and an active social calendar. The following years were golden ones for the Feldmans, but in 2007 Mrs. Feldman learned she had cancer. She died a year later. The Feldmans had been married 53 years, and Mr. Feldman’s grief was palpable to friends who knew him as a buoyant, resilient personality.
“There was a huge hole in my life that no amount of activity could replace,” said Mr. Feldman, now 82. “And except for my two daughters, there was no one I could turn to for solace.”
There was a local bereavement group for spouses, but Mr. Feldman opted out when he learned it consisted only of women.
“I just didn’t think women would relate to my pain,” he said. “And, frankly, I come from a generation that feels uncomfortable exposing our sadness and vulnerability to the opposite sex.” The loss of a loved one is a profoundly heartbreaking experience, but it is not the same for everyone. Research increasingly suggests that men and women experience grief in different ways, and the realization has bolstered a nascent movement of bereavement groups geared to men throughout the country. Many of them are affiliated with hospitals and hospice centers.
Concern about reaching men in grief has gained new urgency with shifting demographics. The number of men age 65 and older increased by 21 percent from 2000 to 2010, nearly double the 11.2 percent growth rate for women in that age group, according to census figures. As the gender gap in life span narrows, experts suggest that more men will be facing the loss of loved ones, particularly spouses.
Many will be not be prepared for the experience. The loss of a spouse often is crushing for men physically as well as psychologically. In a 2001 paper published in The Review of General Psychology, psychologists at the University of Utrecht in the Netherlands confirmed earlier data showing widowers have a higher incidence of mental and physical illness, disabilities, death and suicide than widows do. While women who lose their husbands often speak of feeling abandoned or deserted, widowers tend to experience the loss “as one of dismemberment, as if they had lost something that kept them organized and whole,” Michael Caserta, chairman of the Center for Healthy Aging at the University of Utah, said by e-mail.
The Harvard Bereavement Study, a landmark late 1960s investigation of spousal loss, found that widowers experienced the death of a wife as a multifaceted tragedy, a loss of protection, support and comfort that left many at sea. The men in the study relied heavily on their wives to manage their domestic lives, from household chores to raising their children, the researchers noted. The grief of men is compounded, Dr. Caserta added, by the fact that so many have been reluctant to directly address real feelings of deep sadness; until recently, men were expected to be emotionally controlled and inexpressive. Simply persuading grief-stricken men to attend a bereavement group is still no small challenge.
“While there’s strong indication that grief therapy helps men, historically men generally don’t join groups,” Phyllis Silverman, a grief researcher and an author of “Widower: When Men Are Left Alone,” said in a telephone interview.
There are also differences in the length of time men grieve, compared with women, and how long it takes to move on. An old axiom that “women mourn, men replace” turns out to be untrue.
“It used to be thought that men grieve acutely and heal more quickly, and that women grieve chronically over a longer time period,” said George A. Bonanno, a clinical psychology professor at Columbia University in New York. But now, Dr. Bonanno said, many researchers believe that grief follows a more complex pattern in both men and women. “No matter what sex, we oscillate between positive and negative emotions, between waves of sadness about the loss and hope for the future,” he said in a telephone interview. “This can be frustrating for men, who often seek the ‘quick-fix’ approach.”
Sherry Schachter, director of bereavement services at Calvary Hospital in the Bronx and a grief specialist for 25 years, said in a telephone interview: “While women grieve intuitively, open to expressing their feelings, men are ‘instrumental’ grievers. They’re not comfortable with talking about their feelings, and they prefer to do things to cope.”
In a men’s group she has run for the last few years, she said, “I never ask, ‘How do you feel?’ Rather, I ask, ‘What did you do?’ ”
In some cases, what men are doing is taking grief counseling into their own hands. Mr. Feldman started a biweekly bereavement group for widowers on Martha’s Vineyard, and two years ago spearheaded the Men’s Bereavement Network, a nonprofit organization seeking to establish and support grief groups for men nationwide. The network is helping to establish bereavement groups for men in places as diverse as DePere, Wis.; Clearwater, Fla.; and Danvers, Mass.
At a recent peer-led gathering of the Martha’s Vineyard group begun by Mr. Feldman, eight men in their late 40s to late 80s sat around the dining room table at the home of the session leader, Foster Greene. Dr. George Cohn, a local psychiatrist, sat alongside, for the most part a silent observer.
A retired fisherman, at 85 one of the older members of the group, spoke in a low voice, looking mostly into his coffee cup. His wife of 54 years died in 2010.
“I don’t know about you guys,” he said, quickly glancing around the table of men, “but for me it gets harder, not easier.” The other men nodded.
Later Dr. Cohn said, “Sometimes that’s all a man wants or needs — a sympathetic ear.”
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
