Tuesday, June 1, 2010

Director's Message for June 2010

Greetings Sacred Path Community,

I’m writing to you from Palm Desert on the Saturday of our Memorial weekend. I am taking the opportunity to spend another weekend with my 90-year old mom. What a beautiful day. The weather is perfect. I feel blessed to be living in paradise on earth. As we exit the month of May and the celebration of our mothers we enter the month of June and the occasion to celebrate fatherhood. There are a few special events taking place this month that I’m really looking forward to:

The first is our Day for Men on June 12th, featuring Catherine DeMonte, LMFT, our guest presenter for the morning session on Women 101: A discussion for and with men, about women, by a woman. You can read more about her presentation on our blog and on the flier for the event. This session provides a rare opportunity for you to be able to learn, ask questions and candidly discuss issues about relationships with women in a user-friendly setting. Whether you are single or married, this day promises to offer insights and potential solutions to some of the more challenging and often frustrating concerns that men have regarding their relationships with the opposite sex.

During the afternoon session I will offer some insights pertaining to Sacred Relationships, the nature of true Soul Mates and the two pure paths to Spiritual Enlightenment. My talk will include elements from Paramahansa Yogananda’s Darshan on Jesus’ teachings regarding marriage.

We’ll be able to divide up into two groups comprised of those who are married and those who are single. Since the issues that each are dealing with may be distinct, the small group work should provide the opportunity to not only discuss the information presented earlier but also to explore your personal concerns in an intimate setting. We will conclude the day with a large group open forum to discuss what came out of the small group work.

We can deal with the challenges of living a celibate single lifestyle or one that includes dating with sexual engagement. We can also discuss the nature of spiritually centered companionship as well as long-term relationships including how to rekindle those that have lost their passion. For those of you who are recently divorced or are contemplating whether to end a relationship this day may be very helpful and healing.

Each registrant will receive my 20-page article in its entirety titled: Why Men Fall for Dangerous Relationships. All others can read it in a serialized format. The first installment appears in this newsletter and two more follow in the July and August newsletters. For those attending the event, I will include another of my articles: How to Rekindle a Loving Relationship: Is the love lost or just misplaced? These are synthesized from sections of the book I’m writing. The flier and registration form for this event is included herewith.

The 2nd event this month is the First Annual BOND (Brotherhood Organization of a New Destiny) Conference on Fatherhood and Men. It’s taking place on the Westside in the afternoon on Saturday, June 19th. It’s free and includes lunch. I will be participating on a panel discussion to include these topics:

• What It Means To Be A Man
• How To Overcome Anger
• What Do Women Want?
• Successful Marriage and Dating
• Sex vs. Love
• Dealing With Difficult Women

Since it’s the Father’s Day weekend I hope that many from our community will choose to commemorate by attending this event. You will find further information about the conference in this newsletter.

The 3rd event will be a presentation of certificates of achievement to the young men that participated in the spring Call to Adventure Retreat. This will take place on Saturday, June 26th. All that attended the retreat and anyone else interested in gathering to honor these young men that have made a commitment to live an honorable life of Mindful Manhood are welcome. Please check with us for further information about this event.
MCLA will host one more one-day event at Holy Spirit Retreat Center on September 25th, and our 23rd Annual Fall Sacred Path Men’s Retreat will convene on October 21 – 24th, 2010. Looking forward to seeing you on the 12th.

Namaste,
Stephen


To download the flyer/application for the June 12 Day for Men, click HERE

Dr. Stephen Johnson: Why Men Fall for Dangerous Relationships - Part 1

The life of a good man is a continual warfare with his passions.
-Samuel Richardson (1689-1761) British novelist

I recall being in a theater, watching the hit movie of 1987, Fatal Attraction, about a married attorney (played by Michael Douglas) who has a fling with a work colleague (Glenn Close), and when he later tries to pull away from the entanglement, she becomes insanely obsessed with him and refuses to let go – to the point where she goes to the man’s house and tries to kill his wife (played by Anne Archer). I was riveted to my seat with a chill running through my body. Somehow I knew this was more than a movie. It had a driving force behind it that seemed to connect men, without external acknowledgement, into a secret club to which no one wanted to admit membership. Without exchanging even a glance, men left the theatre having participated in an experience that portrayed a hidden ritual of manhood, of which most had firsthand knowledge. This movie sent a shockwave that moved deep within men’s psyches. It touched the nerve endings of men’s collective souls, unleashing a torrent of anxiety-bound confusion. He who succumbs to such a woman’s manipulative ways may soon realize that something is terribly wrong, yet he doesn’t know how to extricate himself from her snare – or better yet, how to avoid her on day one.

At some point in the lifetime of every man, a woman appears who can – consciously or unconsciously – collude with him to bring about his downfall. Unless the man knows how to spot her, how to deal with her or avoid her entirely, he may find himself an unsuspecting member of that “secret club”, exposed and disgraced along with such notables as former President Bill Clinton; presidential hopefuls Senator John Edwards and Senator Gary Hart; Governor Mark Stanford of South Carolina; Italy’s Premier Silvio Berlusconi; talk show host David Letterman; Reverend Jim Baker; televangelist Jimmy Swaggart; Los Angeles Lakers basketball superstar Kobe Bryant, and more recently, international golf pro Tiger Woods and the recently divorced spouse, Jesse James, of Oscar winner Sandra Bullock. More men are no doubt waiting in the wings for their turn.

As a psychotherapist in practice for nearly forty years, I have worked first-hand with men whose “dangerous relationship” stories I have come to know intimately. I have been deeply touched by the toll such liaisons have taken on their lives. I’ve winced with each vivid realization of the wreckage inflicted on family members, friends and even fans. I could no longer stand by and watch more and more men stumble blindly along the same perilous path that so many have traversed before.

What is a Dangerous Relationship?
Starting with that of Adam and Eve, a relationship qualifies as “dangerous” when the stakes are high and the consequences dire. ESPN baseball analyst Steve Phillips picked a 22-year-old co-worker to have an affair with, and when he tried to break it off, the “woman scorned” threatened Phillip’s wife and children – just as in Fatal Attraction when the Glenn Close character tells the Michael Douglas character, “I will not be ignored!” It is a chilling moment as he realizes he’s in big trouble. While not all such liaisons end in physical violence, many do end with the “outing” of the relationship, which may derail the man’s career, destroy his family and bring him to his knees in a painfully destructive way. Sometimes the man recovers; sometimes the consequences for him last a lifetime.

Look closely at those video clips of President Bill Clinton working the rope line one bright autumn day. There is a flirty girl in a beret that stands out from the crowd. She gazes at the President a little too adoringly – and the President gives her a hug that is just a bit too familiar. The potential for trouble is revealed in that picture, as the young woman we now know as Monica Lewinsky threatens to topple the venerable position held by the most powerful man in the world. It was ultimately Clinton’s own brazenness that brought about the impeachment hearings. When asked later on why he had the dalliance with Monica Lewinsky, his reply was, “I’ve thought about it a lot, and unfortunately it was for the most morally indefensible reason -- because I could.”

A run-in with such a woman happens to high-profile men, to ordinary men, and to men you know personally. You may have witnessed a good friend making a poor decision about the company he keeps, sometimes with unfortunate or even tragic consequences. Some of these men, thanks to their own dynamics, unwittingly conspire to bring about their own downfall.

We, the somewhat less powerful, the less influential, may envy the privileged pack that often gets away with being bad. While we may live vicariously through their exploits, they seem impervious to their own actions. However, should we slip away to consort with forbidden fruit, our wives would leave us, our kids would look at us in disgust, and our careers would falter. We would wind up living in a one-bedroom apartment, scraping by to keep our (former) families living in the style to which we/they had become accustomed.

How common are such relationships? Much more common than you might think. Dangerous liaisons have been the subject of many films (including the aforementioned Fatal Attraction), such as The Last Seduction, Basic Instinct, Damaged and Disclosure.


Who Are Dangerous Women?
Though this is admittedly a generalization, the kind of woman who tends to snare a man into a dangerous relationship typically is one who seems to have no limits and who respects no boundaries. She doesn’t care if the man is married or single. It only matters that she wants him, and she will stop at nothing to have him. She will seduce him, manipulate him, and threaten him -- all because of a deep-seated sense of emptiness and craving for control. Her biggest issue is abandonment. She is terrified to be alone, and eventually the object of her desire begins to feel that, instead of being in relationship with her, he has become her emotional hostage.

Such a woman doesn’t engage in a relationship, she takes a prisoner. As things unravel, she can be treacherous. She may stalk him, scream at him, slash his tires, threaten suicide, write letters to his wife -- or worse. It has been said that “hell hath no fury like a woman scorned,” and the reality of this can become all too apparent to a man under certain conditions. Typically, she brings out the worst in a man, not the best.

Within my practice as a psychotherapist, I hear many such stories, including those from men who have fallen from grace in their lives as the result of a real-life dangerous relationship. In the book I’m writing called Man Up! What it takes to be a Good Man today, one case in particular stands out as an example of a perilous relationship in which no one exited unscathed.

One of my patients, who we’ll call Mike, met a woman, who we’ll refer to as Denise, in a bar one lonely night and struck up a conversation over many drinks. The alcohol made it ultra-easy for them to share far too much about each other in a first-chance meeting. Their instant passion turned volatile, and ultimately the relationship propelled itself to a tragic end when the woman killed herself. Mike had to face how his own neediness and narcissism blinded him to the allure of a borderline personality disorder suffered by his femme fatale.

Mike, of course, was badly shaken by the tragic outcome of this perilous relationship. It was his wake-up call. He decided to take a break from dating until he figured out why he’d allowed himself to get caught up in this relationship, and learned how to spot – and heed -- the red flags so it wouldn’t happen again. Eventually, he went back to dating, married again, had two children, and today is appreciative of the fact that he leads a balanced, sane life.

Fall From Grace
When Tiger Woods toppled from his pedestal, you could hear the crash for miles around. Tiger’s fall from grace is one of the most shocking collapses of character and popularity of any nonpolitical figure, certainly in modern day and perhaps ever. A USA Today Gallop Poll reported that Tiger sustained a drop in approval from 87 percent in 2005 to 33 percent, with an unfavorable rating of 57 percent. As we watch from the sidelines as Tiger attempts a comeback that some believe was too soon, we’re witnessing the physical and emotional strains on a champ attempting to climb back onto his pedestal. His number-one ranking in the world of golf is now in peril.

For the past twelve years I have worked with the Catholic Archdiocese of Los Angeles, counseling their priests who were in need of help for one reason or another. Among the priests with whom I worked, there have been those that were having illicit affairs. Some of the relationships were the result of loneliness, and some were the result of sexually compulsive or addictive behavior. Many of them had come to the realization, through treatment, that their personal falls were more into Grace than from Grace because they’d been forced to face their transgressions and learn things about themselves that actually improved their lives in the long run.

Here is a story about a married Episcopal priest who took the fall. This individual was not a patient; he was the priest of the church that my family was attending at the time. One Sunday while I was in church with my wife and our three children, we were stunned when an announcement was made that our pastor had just been relieved of his duties as rector of the church effective immediately, due to allegations that he had overstepped the bounds of propriety and had made sexual advances at a number of female parishioners. There were expressions of shock and disbelief on the faces of the congregation when they heard this. Many wept while some looked blankly at one another, searching and hoping for some sign that might indicate that this was a mistake. How could this person who had been of such help to so many be accused of these indiscretions? He had been there during the births and the deaths, standing at the bedsides and the grave sites, baptizing the new little ones, giving counsel to those bereft, cheering on the school athletic teams, encouraging us to stick together and help one another after the Northridge earthquake of 1994. Everyone seemed to like and trust him so much. How could this have happened?

The thought immediately came into my mind -- another fall from grace! There have been so many, and now Father Tim. It came to light following the incident that Father Tim was undoubtedly having an affair with one of the female parishioners, and when it was about to be exposed she attempted to put the full blame on him, insinuating that he was acting out sexually with other women as well. From what we understood, no one else stepped forward to corroborate those insinuations. Father Tim subsequently left the priesthood and went through a divorce. The consequences of his choice were quite obviously dire. His unwise choice brought him down hard.

There was also an attorney in my practice who became involved in a dangerous relationship, careening from one eruptive episode to another. Each time he would attempt to extricate himself from his perilous partner she would become enraged, taking out her revenge in a variety of creative ways, including ordering a multitude of take-out food from various establishments to be delivered to his office all at the same time, throwing rocks through his windows, chasing him in her car and attempting to block him or smash into his car, putting a naked picture of him with his business card in prominent places throughout Beverly Hills, calling his elderly mother to inform her that he had been killed in an auto accident, and much to my dismay, threatening to kill his therapist. Yes, the web can ensnare other innocent parties within one’s intimate circle. This woman, who clearly had mental and moral issues she failed to deal with, was eventually sentenced to prison.

Read part two next month, featuring "The Seven Types of Men Most Vulnerable to Dangerous Relationships.

BOND Conference on Fatherhood & Men June 19

BOND, the Brotherhood Organization of a New Destiny, will be hosting its First Annual “Conference on Fatherhood and Men” Saturday, June 19, 2010. The announcement comes on the heels of a recent study by the Pew Research Center which shows that a record 41 percent of births in 2008 were to single mothers, that’s an increase from 28 percent in 1990.

“The purpose of this conference is to awaken men and to help them understand that the survival of their families and this nation depends on them getting it right,” said BOND Founder and President, Rev. Jesse Lee Peterson. “The entire afternoon is designed to equip men with the tools they need to become emotionally and spiritually fit—so that they can take charge of their lives.”

Who: BOND, the Brotherhood Organization of A New Destiny

What: Conference on Fatherhood and Men with Panel Discussion and Workshop on:

What It Means To Be A Man
How To Overcome Anger
What Do Women Want?
Successful Marriage and Dating
Sex vs. Love
Dealing With Difficult Women

When: Saturday, June 19, from 1-4 p.m. (Event is free and open to all men. Lunch included)

Where: 6146 West Pico Blvd., Los Angeles, CA 90035 (S.E. Corner of Pico & La Cienega)

To RSVP call (323) 782-1980, e-mail bond@bondinfo.org, or visit www.bondinfo.org The Brotherhood Organization of a New Destiny is a 501 (c)(3) nonprofit organization whose purpose is “Rebuilding the Family by Rebuilding the Man.” Contributions are tax deductible to the amount allowable by law. Rev. Jesse Lee Peterson is available for speaking engagements. For information call (323) 556-2623.

Pix for Father's Day from the Bizzaro Boys

We're a happy family celebrating Father's Day...

...so don't mess with us!