Sunday, November 29, 2009

The Hunter-Gatherer Cure for Depression

Human bodies have not evolved fast enough to adapt to the demands of modern life. So believes psychologist Stephen Ilardi, PhD, author of The Depression Cure and associate professor of clinical psychology at the University of Kansas. Although we’re living longer and theoretically have better health care, the risk for serious depression has been increasing for more than a century. The disorder now afflicts one-quarter of Americans (a trend mirrored across most of the developed world), and has more than doubled over the past decade alone.

Dr. Ilardi told me that he has long puzzled over the epidemic of depressive illness, which continues to worsen despite the widespread use of antidepressant medications. In fact, the risk for depression is high throughout the industrialized and modernized world, but low among traditional and aboriginal cultures. Interestingly, modern-day aboriginal peoples enjoy dramatically lower rates of many forms of illness that commonly afflict Westerners -- heart disease, diabetes, asthma, obesity and allergies among them. Dr. Ilardi believes that we should add depression to the list of "diseases of modernity."

OUR HUNTER-GATHERER ANCESTORS

Until about 10,000 years ago, all humans were hunter-gatherers, living a lifestyle we know much about from the study of contemporary foraging groups. Dr. Ilardi’s "aha" moment came while reading the work of anthropologist Edward Schieffelin, PhD, who studied the Kaluli, an aboriginal group living in the highlands of Papua New Guinea. Although the Kaluli have a low life expectancy, high infant mortality and considerable intergroup violence, Dr. Schieffelin found that they suffer virtually no clinical depression. As Dr. Ilardi struggled to make sense of this surprising finding, he stumbled upon an important insight: the hunter-gatherer lifestyle features several elements -- ranging from abundant physical activity to sunlight exposure to omega-3 consumption -- that modern science has shown to be powerfully effective in fighting depression.

Maybe, thought Dr. Ilardi, the human species never evolved "antidepressive genes" because our bodies and brains simply weren’t designed for modern life -- and our brains were protected for hundreds of thousands of years by the numerous antidepressant elements of hunter-gatherer life. As an example, Dr. Ilardi cites the fact that many of the compounds we need for survival aren’t made by our bodies -- we haven’t evolved the ability to manufacture them, he says, because we’ve always been able to get them directly from our diets. Similarly, he theorizes that the human brain has no ability to stave off depression because until 10,000 years ago -- the blink of an eye in evolutionary terms -- all people lived an "antidepressant lifestyle." Dr. Ilardi has spent the last four years developing and researching a treatment program for depression, Therapeutic Lifestyle Change (TLC), involving six curative lifestyle elements from the past that he asks his patients to weave back into the fabric of modern life. The program is described in depth in his recently published book, The Depression Cure.

THE SIX ELEMENTS OF AN ANTIDEPRESSION LIFESTYLE

1. Consume abundant omega-3 fatty acids. Hunter-gatherers ate a much more balanced diet than we do today, one rich in omega-3 and omega-6 fatty acids in a ratio of about 1:1. Over the past century, omega-6 fats began to dominate human fat consumption (due to the use of processed seed oil and eating meat that was grain-fed), to the point where the ratio of omega-6s to omega-3s is now about 17:1. Dr. Ilardi’s advice:Since omega-3 fats have proven antidepressant properties, take a daily fish-oil supplement that provides at least 1,000 mg of EPA (the version of omega-3 with the strongest research support in fighting depression).

2. Avoid ruminating on negative thoughts. Hunter-gatherers lived in the moment -- survival depended on it. A well-researched and effective strategy for fighting depression encourages people to learn to interrupt rumination and focus instead on staying in the moment. Advice: Be continually engaged in what you are doing and monitor yourself to keep from brooding. Increase social interaction and shared activities. When you spend time alone, do things that keep your mind busy, like reading, watching television, painting, playing a musical instrument or cooking. Replace ruminative thoughts with positive ones. Write your thoughts down, and give yourself permission to walk away from them.

3. Get regular sunlight to keep your body clock in sync. Our ancestors spent much more time outdoors in the sunlight than we do. Sunlight not only resets the body clock each day -- necessary for healthy sleep and hormone regulation -- but it also enables us to manufacture vitamin D, which regulates 500 different genes expressed in the brain. Some researchers now say that most Americans are deficient in vitamin D, which is strongly anti-inflammatory... and, according to Dr. Ilardi, "a depressed brain is an inflamed brain." Advice: 10 to 15 minutes of sunlight exposure daily between 11 am and 3 pm, depending on your skin pigment and the time of year, plus take 1,000 IU (international units) to 2,000 IU of Vitamin D in winter.

4. Stimulate key brain chemicals through physical exercise. Hunter-gatherers probably were physically active for three to four hours each day. That may be unrealistic today, but Dr. Ilardi says that it doesn’t take that much exercise to fight depression. Research at Duke University found, for instance, that 30 minutes of brisk walking three times per week was as effective at alleviating depression symptoms as the antidepressant Zoloft after four months, and considerably more effective at a follow-up six months later. By increasing dopamine and serotonin activity, exercise actually changes the brain chemistry, says Dr. Ilardi. Advice: 40 minutes of aerobic exercise three times per week, including 10 minutes to ramp up and 30 minutes of aerobic (just able to converse) activity.

5. Emphasize social connection in order to avoid the harmful effects of isolation. Hunter-gatherers didn’t spend much time alone. The typical ancient group had between 30 to 150 members, and most worked, cooked and slept together. Nowadays we are alone a lot -- in our cars, at home, etc. Advice: Experience in-person community as much as possible.

6. Increase healthier sleep for brain and body recovery. Our ancestors got about nine to 10 hours of sleep each night, but many Americans are somewhat sleep-deprived, with 30% getting under six hours according to CDC figures. One recent study from the Stanford University Sleep Lab reported that most adults feel best after eight or nine hours of sleep.Advice: Make eight hours of sleep your goal. The Depression Cure lists 10 ways to improve your sleep habits.

Dr. Ilardi is conducting random-control trial research with a group of people he describes as severely depressed and difficult to treat. To date, about one-quarter of those on a wait list and receiving traditional therapy or medication have responded favorably over a 14-week period. In Dr. Ilardi’s Therapeutic Lifestyle Change group, approximately three-quarters of the group have gotten better.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Director's message for November

November 1, 2009

A few weekends ago while I was out of town, I checked my e-mail and noticed that I was beginning to receive a flurry of messages from a variety of sources sending me breaking news updates regarding an unfolding crisis at a retreat in Sedona, Arizona. As it turned out, one of the events during the retreat was a Sweat Lodge that apparently had gone terribly wrong, and several people attending the Lodge had collapsed and become quite debilitated, including a few people that died as a consequence. Paramedics were called in to administer first aid and a number of participants had been whisked to the hospital. I have read and watched televised accounts of this tragic event and have spoken to those concerned with how this might impact our work.

I received a message from friends of mine, Hank and Mariangela, who have a retreat site in Springdale, Utah, called The Center for True North. Hank had attended a number of Sacred Path retreats and is an Emeritus member of our Wisdom Council. Mariangela has written a letter to James Arthur Ray, the individual who conducted the retreat and ran the Sweat Lodge. I am including at her behest the letter in this newsletter along with my response to Mariangela and Hank.

Our 22nd Annual Fall Sacred Path Men’s Retreat took place last weekend. We had just under 50 participants, including staff. The number attending was shy of our average but consistent with what one might anticipate due to the economy and other factors. The quantity of attendees was down somewhat but the quality of the participants was quite high. It was quite evident that the men came to do their work by going deep and connecting intimately and Mindfully. There were some surprise appearances from men who could not participate in the entire weekend but also who could not stay away. At times during the weekend I would look up and see a familiar face, a member of our community who knew that even being on retreat a couple of days was worth it. I’m happy to report that Tom Couper’s encounter with a scorpion was not more serious. He felt much better on Monday and the scorpion may have regretted having to sting Tom, but the men at the fire pit who attended to Tom allowed the critter to go his way without harm. Thank you, Tom, for being the good and stalwart man that you have demonstrated so consistently even under duress.

With thanks to the well-placed guidance of Steve Branker and the other key members of our Wisdom Council, I found the structure, continuity and depth of the program to be solid, smooth and profound. The men who facilitated the breakout sessions, including Nick Rath’s sessions on parenting, Dan Franklin’s sessions on intimate relationships, Phillip Jennings’ martial arts sessions and John Mafrici’s Sacred Breathing sessions served us well. I am also grateful to Andrew and Thomas who poured water for our Sweat Lodge ceremonies. Their blend of humor and compassion went a long way to easing the angst of enduring a challenging experience, especially for first timers.

I had attempted to record the five talks that I presented on the Mindfulness practices and the issues pertinent to most men these days. Unfortunately, due to technical difficulties only two of the presentations were actually recorded. I am placing the talk on Patience and Shame on the blog so that those that were on retreat who would like to listen to it again may do so, and those that would like to know more of what we deal with on retreat can have a listen.

I indicated to those on retreat that we currently have no money in our scholarship account, having awarded approximately $6,000 in scholarships to approximately 25 boys from the inner city who attended our Call to Adventure Retreat last April. I asked men to consider whether they would like to participate in a Call to Adventure Retreat this coming April or another Men’s retreat instead. If we were to hold a CTA retreat we would need to have enough men who wanted to attend as a father and son team, by bringing one or more other young men who are family members, or who are being mentored. If we were to invite mentors and boys from the inner city to attend, we would need to have donations into our scholarship account in order to subsidize their participation.

What I’m asking of the community is to let me know if you can support a CTA retreat by committing to attend through early enrollment and /or providing donations into our Walter Atkinson Memorial Scholarship Fund. If you would prefer to have another men’s retreat in April please indicate that preference. I will need to make the decision by the 1st of the New Year as to what we’re doing in April. If we are holding a CTA and offering scholarships to inner city youth, I will put a program in place to get to know the boys who will be attending in advance and set it up so that they earn the right to attend the retreat by demonstrating the ability to participate at a level that will support all in attendance rather than being a distraction or bringing chaos into the retreat. I am also requesting of the mentors from South Central LA that they assist by raising a good portion of the scholarship proceeds from those within their ranks and support systems willing to help.

I have not made the firm commitment to the camp for an April retreat. It is my intention to complete and publish my book in 2010, and that has become a priority. I have reduced the one-day events to 3 this coming year from the 6 that I’ve facilitated each year for the past few years, and I’m also willing to forgo a retreat in the spring unless I have enough indication and support to allow it to be effortless.

The next one-day event will be held at Holy Spirit Retreat Center in Encino on Saturday, February 6th. This will be a colloquium style Gathering of Men, a day designed to explore through talks, processes and talking-stick large-group and small-group sessions what it takes to be a good man these days. It should serve as a reunion for those who have attended past retreats as well as an opportunity to introduce new men to our community. We will not be conducting Sacred Breathing sessions but we will have a couple of meditation periods. This will be an interactive day focused on the salient issues pertinent to men in their 20’s up through the more senior years of development. We will deal with health, relationship, work and the potential crisis points in men’s lives and how to avoid them and heal from them. Please mark your calendars now to save the date. More information and a registration form will be provided a little later.

Wishing you and your family a wonderful Thanksgiving.
Stephen

Mariangela Landau: Truth is What the Darkness Most Fears

“Playing Full On” Is Linked To Valor

(An invitation to James Arthur Ray and those impacted by the events of October 8th, 2009)

At the outset of this series of articles, offered in three parts, I feel compelled to acknowledge that although I have followed the events of and related to James Arthur Ray’s Spiritual Warrior retreat in Sedona, Arizona on October 8th (which left three people dead and more than 20 ill), I do not know James Ray and have never attended any of his seminars or retreats. However, as a member of the human family I have been unalterably impacted by the events of October 8th. It is because of the enormity of these events and all that they have catalyzed in me that I offer my thoughts and feelings in a three part series. In this part I address the concept of “playing full on” and its inter-reliant link to valor.

One needn’t be a mystic, scholar or possess above average intelligence to construe that what transpired in the life of James Ray is an opportunity for him to walk his talk and apply the principles he teaches (each thing that shows up in one’s life is something personally created; who we are reflects what we attract to our lives). I find offensive the assertion that the participants who died and those stricken created what transpired solo, as if Mr. Ray is exempt from any part in its co-creation, let alone culpable for negligence. At the very least, consider that it was a co-creation, that this has shown up in the life of James Arthur Ray because he personally created it; who he is reflects what he has attracted. As a medium, I am confident that Kirby Brown, James Shore and Liz Neuman did not enthusiastically, intentionally “choose” to die. Nevertheless, as they continue to process what transpired, I do feel they are seeking for their deaths to serve the highest purpose possible.

That high purpose requires a series of heroic, “warrior” acts from James Ray. My sense is that many feel that it is too late for him to step into that role, as doing so might reek of a legal leveraging ploy; while others would likely deem that role a feigned maneuver for the sake of soliciting societal admiration. I’ve read articles in which Mr. Ray is portrayed as a cavalier, counterfeit charlatan and others in which he is acclaimed for possessing natural integrity and indisputably contributing to people’s lives. An event of this immensity almost always incites polarized points of view. Polarized viewpoints will neither serve the highest purpose for the deaths of Kirby Brown, James Shore and Liz Neuman nor bring the profound healing sought by those struggling in the pain-ridden pool of post-traumatic bewilderment and betrayal. In addition, undoubtedly the litigious actions already underway, the possibility of criminal charges, Hyperion’s postponement of the publication of two of his books and Minnesota Senator Kloubucher’s request for the U.S. Department of Justice and Federal Trade Commission to investigate both what happened at the retreat and Mr. Ray’s advertising techniques will assuage some of the deep ache and make deposits into the restitution accounts of those who have lost. However, I submit that these actions will not bring profound healing nor serve the highest purpose. I am implying here that I have an idea about what might, and believe that if Mr. Ray were to answer this call, he would find a river of relief, appreciation and support.

My outreach to Mr. Ray issues forth from the core of my hopeful, prayerful and expectant heart, and since I have considerable concern that my words might not have sufficient authority to sway Mr. Ray, I include a few of my favorite quotes (strategically placed) in this article. I extend an earnest and urgent invitation to James Ray to embody authenticity as the highest spiritual principle by going courageously within to obtain the answers to why – not why on an event level; not why related to the materials used to construct the sweat lodge; and not just why on a facilitator/coordinator/leader level; but WHY on a pure, vulnerable, revealing, and unmodified accountable human being level. “When an inner situation is not made conscious, it appears outside as fate.” – Carl Jung

We deeply and desperately need not to be further betrayed and disappointed by leaders/facilitators/role models that either decline walking their talk, pretend to do so, or do so just enough to slide between the cracks. We need him to be a true champion - to vulnerably disclose why he felt so inflexibly and dogmatically compelled to “push” people and why he ran from the sweat lodge event when tragedy struck. The bold, brave stand for our healing and his, lies in his courageous choice to apply “playing full on” to this situation and ride its wave so that he can share with us that perhaps he was shocked, appalled and even guilty as he beheld the aftermath of the Sweat Lodge – people dead, unconscious, wandering around in various states of distress, chaos and bewilderment. I implore him to accept that we need him to examine and acknowledge that perhaps part of him is not simply continuing on with his work because, as he stated “it’s too important not to”, but because the terrified part of him is running and hiding to perhaps elude, feign, rationalize and substantiate. “You meet your destiny on the road you take to avoid it.” – Carl Jung

My intent is that the energy embedded in these words will so stir Mr. Ray that he will immediately cancel all of his upcoming speaking and retreat engagements; organize a safe Sacred Circle that includes a few contemporaries who can support his journey to his inner shadow lands, to the emotionally wounded places in him, so that he might cease avoiding his destiny, so that in confronting his own shadow, he might find his own light. “To confront a person with his own shadow is to show him his own light.” – Carl Jung. I invite him to link “playing full on” with valor, to go beyond his comfort zone and take an honestly raw and courageously vulnerable stand by holding a free televised public gathering in which he shares the personal truths he has bravely confronted and uncovered. I advocate for his refunding the entire Spiritual Warrior Retreat fee to each 2009 participant or their next of kin as a gesture of compensation for their loss and duress. I urge him to set up a forum facilitated by qualified therapeutic trauma specialists for the survivors of the 2009 Spiritual Warrior Retreat, for those who’ve lost consciousness, shattered bones and injured eyes in past events, and for all his loyal clients who are now experiencing shame and confusion. I heartily recommend that he compensate the families of Kirby Brown, James Shore and Liz Neuman for their hospital, transport and funeral expenses, the hospital expenses for each of the 2009 participants that required that level of care and rehabilitation costs and loss of wage package for Sidney Spencer. I recommend that he establish a four-year college fund for each of James Shore’s three children, a loss of wage package for James Shore’s family, scholarships funds in the amount of $50,000 yearly for 10 years for artists in the name of Kirby Brown and for a humanitarian cause in the name of Liz Neuman. I’m not implying that each individual impacted by the events of October 2009 shouldn’t seek civil suit damages. Rather, I’m advocating for Mr. Ray’s volitional outflow of truth and compensatory gestures and for his immediate dissolution of James Ray International followed by a three year long vision quest sabbatical during which he fully addresses the healing of the personal issues that became the fuel and flint of the events of October 8th, 2009. I request he hold another free televised public gathering at the end of the three years to share his healing process so that we might be in the presence of an instrument of bona fide transformation that contributes so dynamically to our evolution that we are catapulted into the world many of us dream about. I urge him to become the place from which a genuine quantum leap occurs. No one can transform anything they are unwilling to acknowledge. No exceptions, no matter what.

Mr. Ray, I leave you with words attributed to the Christ -

“If you bring forth what is within you,
what you bring forth will save you.
If you do not bring forth what is within you,
what you do not bring forth will destroy you.”

~ The Gospel of Thomas

For the link to part 2 of this article, click HERE
For the link to part 3 of this article, click HERE
Mariangela Pino Landau is the founder and director of a spiritual organization called The Center for True North®, and the author of Spiritual Adulthood

Dr. Johnson's Reply to Mariangela and Hank Landau

Dear Mariangela and Hank,

I just read your article and commend you for taking this matter on in a direct, firm and commanding manner. As soon as this tragic event took place and hit the press I began receiving word of it from those that wanted to make sure that I was aware of what had transpired. I received messages over that weekend from at least a half dozen different sources.

As you know, we just completed our 22nd annual Fall Sacred Path Men's Retreat this past weekend. We had 50 participants, including staff, and we conducted 3 sweat lodges. I believe you know that I started holding lodges for my events commencing in the mid-80's. I have always invited Traditional Native American Sun Dancers to pour water for our lodges. Our lodges have always been conducted with the utmost safety, dignity and honor to the Lakota ways. My very first sweat lodge was conducted by Grandfather Wallace Black Elk, Great Grandson of the legendary Chief Black Elk. That lodge was filled with Native Americans including Grandfather Semu of the Chumash Tribe. It was an intense and challenging experience for me but I knew that I was in safe hands and that I was being pushed to my edge but that I was protected from above and within.

Andrew Soliz, who pours water for us now, spoke about the lodge led by Mr. Ray in Arizona. Andrew's cousin Thomas co-led our lodges. He is a member of AIM (American Indian Movement). They both indicated that they did not know Mr. Ray but discerning from what they had heard they knew that he did not run his lodge in a proper way and that many elements of it were inappropriate, abusive and negligent.

I am troubled by the fact that Mr. Ray calls his events Spiritual Warrior retreats. I founded the Men's Center of Los Angeles and the Sacred Path Men's Retreats in the mid-80's, and the subtitle of the Sacred Path Retreat has always been: The Way of the Spiritual Warrior. I heard these words spoken to me by the Great Spirit, "The Sacred Path, The Way of the Spiritual Warrior." I was inspired and instructed to bring good men together and to bring out the best in them and that they would therefore naturally choose to give back to others. Thousands of men of all ages have passed through the portals of our retreats without physical harm or emotional shame or abuse. Mariangela, you intimately know the profound nature of this work, and Hank, you have personally experienced the power of this work firsthand. When it is done in a good way, people benefit greatly. Many have been healed and helped on the Sacred Path.

I went to Mr. Ray's web site to learn more about him. I have read comments by people that have attended this event and others that he has conducted. I feel an aura of ego attached to Mr. Ray's teachings. There appears to be a mercenary tinge to his work that smacks of avarice and entitlement. When one is run by one's ego and pride, one can be misguided and mislead those that follow. I believe we are living in a time in which false prophets are being exposed. One of the men attending our retreat, for example, had lost over $2 million dollars from his life savings through investing in Bernard Madoff's ponzi scheme. I feel a sense of urgency that people need to awaken to the importance of exercising Mindfulness these days in discerning those that are real and truly committed to an honorable path with integrity from those that are essentially self-serving narcissists taking advantage of trusting souls. Thank you, dear friends, for being gatekeepers of The Path and sourcing the Divine word so that others may more clearly distinguish the twists and turns on their journeys to personal enlightenment. I would hope that Mr. Ray would take your admonition to heart and allow himself to be humbled and brought to a place in which he will do the right thing now. If you wish to include my words on your blog, you may.

With love and admiration,
Stephen

Scott Kalechstein: Finding My Father

"Good work, Scott. Now it's time to find your father."

When I participated in a retreat with my Mom in 1991, those were the last words the facilitator spoke to me. Find my father? What did he mean by that? Somehow I knew healing my relationship with Dad was vital, but how to go about it was another story. At the time the gulf between us seemed insurmountable, and I did not take the facilitator's words to heart. My feelings of being criticized and rejected by Dad were my deepest wound.

Before he was 30, my father fought in World War II, became a doctor, and married my mother. Their first two children were girls, and then I, the final one, plopped out. I can imagine my father's excitement about having a son, someone to guide from boyhood to manhood, to continue the family name, someone to be proud of, perhaps even someone to follow in his footsteps. In my early years I was the apple of his eye, and he was my knight in shining armor. We played sports and games, and often went fishing together.

As adolescence approached, however, it became abundantly clear that my feet were hell bent on following another path – any path but his! In school I was having behavioral problems. I was feeling all kinds of difficult feelings about myself and my life, feelings that I needed help sorting out and understanding. I expressed my inner angst by becoming a class clown and rebel, defying any and all rules.

To my credit, I was very creative and original in my acting out. I also displayed signs of brilliance in the subjects I was interested in. But when report card time rolled around, I was filled with dread. Having my parents read those things was a very traumatic experience for me. Sometimes I was punished. I got more upset each time my parents' disapproving magnifying glass was focused on my poor grades and attention getting schemes. I responded by doing more things that would bring me disapproval and punishment.

Eventually, I learned that I would be treated less harshly if I punished myself, so my inner critic was born. My parents saw me being hard on myself, and so eased up on me. Self-reproach is a great protection plan, and being skilled in guilt and self-criticism was a large part of the shadow side of our family tradition.

My Dad had no idea how to deal with me. He grew silent and distant, erecting a wall and pretending that he didn't care. That was even more painful to me than my mother's voiced disapproval. I hated him for that, and expressed my anger just as covertly, by also pretending that I didn't want anything to do with him. We lived under the same roof, but we were a thousand miles away from each other.

I continued to have trouble with school until the time I chose to drop out and pursue my interests in music and metaphysics. I became totally focused on my spiritual growth, the quest for enlightenment, and God – a fact that sent shivers through my father's mind. My father, somewhat of an atheist, had given birth to a son who was thumbing his nose at intellectual, practical concerns, and doing the "God" thing. While I don't believe my spiritual searching was simply an expression of my war with my father, he sure took it that way. There were many hard feelings between us, feelings that hardened into cement as time went by.

For much of my twenties, I went about my life without much of a relationship with my dad. We had stopped trying to change each other, but the walls remained, thick and cold between us. We had both written off the relationship as incapable of improvement.

Things all began changing four years after that facilitator told me it was time to deal with Dad. Finally taking the facilitator's advice, I wrote my father the below letter, and he wrote one back. Two human beings with a history of separateness began to cross old, outdated borders and to get to know each other.

Dear Dad,
I have been thinking a lot about you these days, and I want you to know my thoughts. It seems to me that in my pain, confusion and my struggle to define myself as someone separate from you, I rejected you entirely, along with everything you stood for. Lately I've been seeing that in my rebellion, I have set aside a part of myself that has not been allowed to develop and that can make me a more whole person inside. I have come to regret that rebellious side of my personality, and I am setting out to make changes.

You tried to teach me, by your example, how to be a disciplined, reliable provider for oneself and for a family. You showed me how to live safely in the world, with a sense of security and structure. You modeled success in ways that I did my best not to emulate. And I am feeling very sorry about that. It was as if I turned away from your most powerful way of showing me that you loved me – the way you lived your life.

Dad, I can sense that my work in the world, my relationships with women and my sense of self-esteem are all affected by this stance. I am working diligently in my life to develop within myself the qualities you tried to pass one to me. Ouch! It's hard for a thirty-two year old with Peter Pan Syndrome to become an adult. But my life does depend on it.

Dad, you are a part of me, and it's time I stopped resisting that and started accepting and working with the gifts you have given me. You have passed on to me a legacy of character traits that are my missing link in my development as a person.
I love you, Dad. I don't want to wait until you are on your deathbed, or until you are gone, to feel and to express that. You have given me so much. I want you to know, as late as it may be, that I am beginning to receive and to learn from you and your life. Growing up is a scary thing, but I'm getting there!
Your son,
Scott

Sending the letter felt like a huge, but necessary risk. How would he respond to such a bearing of my soul? I waited for his reply, nervously opening up the mail each day. Each time the phone rang, I imagined it was him. What would he say to me? What would I say to him? Would my letter make a difference, or would I end up regretting that I ever reached out? Ten days after I sent my letter, I got his response. I opened it up and started crying after the first sentence, right there in the Postal Annex.

Dear Scott,
Your letter has touched me deeper than I can ever convey to you in words. I cried like a baby during and after reading it. You have come a long way, farther than you realize! Scott, don't berate yourself for rejecting me and my values and my world. It was I who rejected you when you didn't conform to what I wanted for you. Rejection is something you learned from me! I blame myself. Don't forget, I was supposedly the adult, and you were the child. I should have handled things wiser and more maturely.

Scott, listen to me very carefully. Let's not dwell on the past, except if it can help us understand the present and prevent us from making the same mistakes over again. As I said before, you have come a long way, and I have reacted to your changes very positively. You say growing up is scary and difficult. Please remember, I am still trying to grow up! Let's help each other.

Scott, I love you very much. I always have! I hope any scars are temporary and reversible.
Always,
Dadio

I read the letter again and again. Who was this wise, tender, approachable man? Was this my father? I called him up. "Dad, I got your letter." "And I, yours, Scott." We both fumbled for words, but couldn't find any. Finally, my father said, "Scott, I'm all choked up right now. I can't seem to talk." "I feel the same, Dad." Another clumsy, but heart-filled silence. We both managed to say, "I love you", and then had to get off the phone. The feelings were too rich for words, but a new beginning was acknowledged.

I visited my family soon after that. My time with my father was sweet and meaningful. I found myself genuinely interested in him, his past, his dreams, his regrets. I asked him questions as if I we were just starting out. We had some significant catching up to do.

We speak on the phone often these days. It's not always easy to talk to him. I question at times how much to reveal, and what to talk about. Sometimes it flows, and sometimes it feels awkward. We are profoundly different in our beliefs, our lifestyles and our frames of reference. But we are two men relating to each other in the present, not burdened by the past, expressing our caring and support.

For my father and I, both expertly trained in the self-defense of hiding our hearts to cover up our hurt, our current relationship is somewhat of a miracle. We are both finding out together that love is stronger than steel, and that the pain of the past can be put behind us. For men in this culture to be more interested in being close than in being right is indeed something to celebrate!

The holiest place on earth is where an ancient hatred has become a present love. -- A Course in Miracles

Kent Nerburn: The Cab Ride I'll Never Forget

Twenty years ago, I drove a cab for a living. One time I arrived in the middle of the night for a pick up at a building that was dark except for a single light in a ground floor window.

Under these circumstances, many drivers would just honk once or twice, wait a minute, then drive away. But I had seen too many impoverished people who depended on taxis as their only means of transportation. Unless a situation smelled of danger, I always went to the door. This passenger might be someone who needs my assistance, I reasoned to myself. So I walked to the door and knocked.

"Just a minute," answered a frail, elderly voice.

I could hear something being dragged across the floor. After a long pause, the door opened. A small woman in her 80's stood before me. She was wearing a print dress and a pillbox hat with a veil pinned on it, like somebody out of a 1940s movie. By her side was a small nylon suitcase.

The apartment looked as if no one had lived in it for years. All the furniture was covered with sheets. There were no clocks on the walls, no knickknacks or utensils on the counters. In the corner was a cardboard box filled with photos and glassware.

"Would you carry my bag out to the car?" she said. I took the suitcase to the cab, then returned to assist the woman. She took my arm and we walked slowly toward the curb. She kept thanking me for my kindness.

"It's nothing," I told her. "I just try to treat my passengers the way I would want my mother treated."

"Oh, you're such a good boy," she said. When we got in the cab, she gave me an address, then asked, "Could you drive through downtown?"

"It's not the shortest way," I answered quickly.

"Oh, I don't mind," she said. "I'm in no hurry. I'm on my way to a hospice."

I looked in the rear view mirror. Her eyes were glistening.

"I don't have any family left," she continued. "The doctor says I don't have very long."

I quietly reached over and shut off the meter. "What route would you like me to take?" I asked.

For the next two hours, we drove through the city. She showed me the building where she had once worked as an elevator operator. We drove through the neighborhood where she and her husband had lived when they were newlyweds. She had me pull up in front of a furniture warehouse that had once been a ballroom where she had gone dancing as a girl.
Sometimes she'd ask me to slow in front of a particular building or corner and would sit staring into the darkness, saying nothing.

As the first hint of sun was creasing the horizon, she suddenly said, "I'm tired. Let's go now."

We drove in silence to the address she had given me.

It was a low building, like a small convalescent home, with a driveway that passed under a portico. Two orderlies came out to the cab as soon as we pulled up. They were solicitous and intent, watching her every move. They must have been expecting her. I opened the trunk and took the small suitcase to the door. The woman was already seated in a wheelchair.

"How much do I owe you?" she asked, reaching into her purse.

"Nothing," I said.

"You have to make a living," she answered.

"There are other passengers."

Almost without thinking, I bent and gave her a hug. She held onto me tightly.

"You gave an old woman a little moment of joy," she said. "Thank you."

I squeezed her hand, then walked into the dim morning light. Behind me, a door shut. It was the sound of the closing of a life.
I didn't pick up any more passengers that shift. I drove aimlessly, lost in thought. For the rest of that day, I could hardly talk. What if that woman had gotten an angry driver, or one who was impatient to end his shift? What if I had refused to take the run, or had honked once, then driven away?

On a quick review, I don't think that I have done anything more important in my life. We're conditioned to think that our lives revolve around great moments. But great moments often catch us unaware—beautifully wrapped in what others may consider a small one.

Pictures of Fall Retreat
















Have a Chuckle: Man Hug/Cry Walkers

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=v12F0bZkJ4E