Los Angeles Men's Center/ Sacred Path: August 2010

On Saturday, September 25th from 8:30 to 4:30 at Holy Spirit Retreat Center we will convene for: Men and Women: Autonomy, Interdependence and the Co-Creative Alliance. An invitation is extended to men and women to join in a day to safely open themselves to an exploration of the significant themes that seem to consume people’s lives today.

There are so many stresses and strains that pull on men and women as individuals these days. Unrelenting pressures tear at the fabric of intimate relationships and families causing people to become helplessly confused leading to a tendency to lock and load into unremitting conflict. This breakdown of systems frequently leads to the relationship coming apart at the seams.

During our Day for Men event at Holy Spirit Retreat Center in June, Catherine DeMonte, MFT, shared her thoughts and feelings about the nature of relationships between men and women including what she considered to be some of the pitfalls regarding the assumptions and expectations that men and women make about each other. She went on to speak about where she feels that women miss-understand men and tend to sell men short. She also spoke about how men and women could deepen their love for each other through an expanded understanding and capacity for anticipating each other’s needs. I had heard from women that they wished that they could have participated in the event. That awareness stimulated the consideration to create a day for men and women to gather with the intent to explore, discuss and learn from each other. With that in mind I extended an invitation to Catherine to join us again and I invited Dr. Bruce Derman to participate as well. I believe we will include another woman presenter and I am considering whom I might add to the panel.

Catherine DeMonte, MFT has a private practice in Calabasas where she treats children, couples, and families. She helps people address and heal the blocks and wounds that keep them from being their most authentic Selves. Her gifts include warm empathy and the ability to get to the heart of the matter. It's often said about her that she can hear what isn't said. When working with couples she doesn't take sides. She is on the "side" of the relationship. Catherine is passionate about helping people return to the feeling that inspired couples to get together in the first place. Her presentation will focus on: Balancing Our Lives as Women. She suggests that finding balance can be quite challenging for a woman these days and can spill over into the relationship with the man in her life. She states, “Having time for our selves while feeling solid & whole emotionally, physically, and spiritually is difficult for a lot of women. It seems something always has to give. How do you find time & balance while maintaining high quality relationships with your partner, children and others?” Catherine will inspire women, who juggle many demanding roles and responsibilities in today’s fast-paced and stressful society, to learn to live joyfully while leveraging their two most precious resources, time and energy! It sounds like men will benefit from this information as well.

Dr. Bruce Derman has been a friend and colleague for over twenty years. He is a clinical psychologist in private practice for forty-two years in Woodland hills and Santa Monica who specializes in couple relationships, sex therapy, eating disorders, divorce mediation and coaching. He has written three books on relationships including, We'd Have a Great Relationship if it Weren't for You. Bruce will present on the theme of his new book, The Hole, and the role that “the hole” plays in couple relationships. The Hole deals with the greatest fear that couples have...emptiness. Couples often struggle with the unending ups and downs of trying to fill their individual holes from the outside with things, such as money, obsessive sex, porn, affairs, emotional tirades, powering, and many other things rather then accepting the nature of their emptiness. Bruce will share with the group members his perspective that emptiness lies beneath the core of everyone's journey and understanding and accepting this concept is crucial to finding peace in one's life and ultimately one’s intimate relationship. The alternative to this quest is constant negative consequences or a lifetime of chasing and defending images leading to the possibility of divorce, as each person seeks out new answers to their bottomless holes.

In my work, specifically with men in relationship, I have focused on helping them become more Mindful. In so doing, men have become more discerning about the tools and skills that help to stabilize and reinvigorate their intimate relationships. I will focus my contribution to the day on Mindful Relationships and how true soul mates realize that their relationship serves as a crucible that is durable enough to allow the right alchemical elements to coalesce maximizing the potential for enlightenment to occur. At the heart of most spiritual teachings is the understanding that Sacred Companionship is one of the two pure paths leading to personal liberation and evolved consciousness. It’s not an easy rode to hoe but the journey along the path promises big results.

At the heart of it, both men and women want the same thing from each other in a relationship: to feel "gotten" and understood. But because we approach getting our needs met differently, both men and women are too often left feeling like their partners don't understand or appreciate them. So many men say that they don't feel valued by their women, and so many women say they don't feel cherished by their men. Men often speak of not having enough sexual attention from their partners, and women often say they don't get enough emotional connection. How can we bridge that gap? How can both get their needs met? The intention of this colloquium is to provide a safe space for men and women to learn from and to support each other authentically and compassionately as we delve into the issues.

Space is limited. Download the flier to register so that you can reserve your place.

To download the flyer/application, click HERE

Seven Types of Men Most Vulnerable to Dangerous Relationships

What kinds of men are the most susceptible to the women who can pull them into liaisons that we are describing here as “dangerous,” the women who turn treacherous when men try to pull away or end it with them? Much has been written to help women spot and avoid dangerous men, but little to help men avoid similar disasters.

1. The Naïve Man: Known as Puer Aeternus, eternal boy or Peter Pan syndrome, the naïve man is typically younger, softer, and more passive. He hasn’t made transition from boyhood to manhood. Trapped in his boyish ways, he has poor boundaries, flies from commitments and difficult situations, minimizes ugly facts, transcends his own dark side, often sees the world through rose-colored glasses, and essentially resists growing up. He seems to feel a sense of satisfaction in being attacked by his woman, and doesn’t fight back. Instead, he retreats to his cave to brood. He may create a secret relationship with a woman he believes truly understands him and will treat his wounded inner child with kindness. He makes idealistic assumptions and doesn’t examine the dark side of the woman he’s with, setting himself up for betrayal by her in the end. Some women want a passive man so that they can control him as a result of acquiescing to or compensating for some familiar scenario in their own backgrounds. Perhaps they had a dominant mother and a passive father, or perhaps men had wounded them in the past.

2. The Adrenaline-Driven Man: This is the classic Type-A personality. His throttle is set for full speed ahead. He can’t stand to be bored and avoids boring people. He loves challenges and risks. He won’t settle for less than what he feels he deserves. He can’t tolerate being stuck, held back, slowed down, or having to contend with the mundane. He participates in extreme sports and loves to stretch out of his comfort zone in everything he undertakes, from gambling and business ventures to women. He may volunteer to serve in the Special Forces division of the armed services or the bomb squad, where he overcomes his fears with a mixture of courage and adrenaline-driven bravado. The dangerous woman poses a challenge to him. She’s wild and can’t be tamed, and she would naturally be attracted to his style of living life on the edge. A dangerous woman will get his blood boiling and adrenaline flowing.

3. The Man in Mid-life: Question: How do you know when a man has entered midlife? Answer: When he starts dying his hair, purchases a new younger, hipper wardrobe, buys a convertible sports car and equips it with a young blond. Around age 40, this man may begin a quest for “something better.” He may begin parading around in peacock fashion, hoping that an attractive woman or women will notice. Inside, he is screaming to be seen, admired, adulated and adored. When he no longer feels like a special person, he becomes vulnerable to anxiety and depression and may start abusing drugs and alcohol. He may also be facing looming financial, career, legal or marital disasters. The ancient Greeks referred to this as Katabasis or Great Fall. He may seek relief from his despair in an out-of-bounds relationship with a woman who tells him he’s “special,” although he lacks the clarity to make a wise love choice. At first, he’s just relieved to have finally found “the one” – until it sours.

4. The Man Filled with Longing: He longs for something other than what he’s got. He fantasizes about his younger years and starts eying women half his age. It’s not uncommon for men who are in their mid to late 50’s, who have been married for twenty or more years, to experience their relationships as dull and devoid of romance and passion. He knows he’s beyond midlife and feels an urgency to recapture his youth before it’s too late. In the movie Moonstruck the question is asked: “Why does an older man have an affair with a younger woman?” The character played by Olympia Dukakis responds, “Because he’s afraid to die.” A man like this fears aging, so when his wife matures into the mundane world of matronhood, he may lose interest in her and turn to maidens who are succulent and carry the nectar of eternal youth. He may rush into a divorce – or drive his wife into dumping him. As a therapist, I know that aging men and women can do the work to help weatherproof their relationship and protect it from the aggressions of a dangerous woman, but the work is painful and many couples aren’t willing to do it.

5. The Narcissist: Narcissus was a beautiful man who was promised a lavish life so long as he heeded his mother’s warning to never gaze upon his own features. Ignoring her pleas, Narcissus saw his reflection in the waters of a spring and fell in love with himself, gazing at the mirror of water until he starved to death. According to Greek legend, a flower named for him sprang up in the spot where he died. The moral of this story warns of the perils of self-absorption. The Narcissist is doomed by his own shallowness, and dominated by his needs. He fears mediocrity and wants to be seen as special. Charming, intelligent, and talented, he may rise to prominence. But inside he feels empty; fears intimacy; seeks approval and admiration. He, too, fears aging and losing control. Desperate to restore his feeling of youth and vitality, he seeks out the company of beautiful women. He’s a magnet for young maidens who will adore him -- at least temporarily. When the luster fades, and he loses control, he starts to resort to less than charming behaviors. Narcissistic males fall along the continuum from fairly benign to pathologically malignant, becoming overly controlling, deceitful, manipulative, threatening and even psychopathically dangerous.

A male manifesting a more severe form of narcissism may have suffered an attachment disorder arising from an early break within a primary bond typically existing between him and his mother. This can cause a deeper split in his psyche creating the development of a borderline personality disorder. A man with this disorder can appear to be quite charming and together; however, his persona has been crafted to hide a dark shadow side to his personality. Narcissists are often ingenuous and duplicitous. Men like that lead double lives and are the prototype of the sheep in wolf’s clothing; the poster boy as personification of the modern day false prophet.

As with borderline women, men with this disorder don’t maintain proper limits or respect appropriate boundaries, exhibiting a lack of impulse control. At first, a woman will believe that she has met Mr. Wonderful only to later realize that her dream-guy has become Mr. Nightmare. If he seems to be too good to be true, you’ll undoubtedly discover that your initial suspicions were correct. The Jekyll-Hyde split in his demeanor will betray that he is no doubt a borderline-disordered male and that things will typically begin to go from bad to worse before the relationship explodes or implodes.

A man with this disorder is love-avoidant. It’s not that he doesn’t crave love; it’s just that he doesn’t trust it or understand it in its fullest expression. A borderline male tends to pull women toward him and then push them away when they get too close. He starts off adoring the objects of his attraction and then winds up devaluing and rejecting them. Seducing women feeds his narcissistic longing for attention. It holds the hope of filling his core emptiness and quelling his addiction. The problem is that he can’t live with them and he can’t live without them. Therein lies the rub.

Since a borderline can’t form healthy attachments and sustain solid viable relationships he takes hostages. He will typically choose women that are needy and that he can control. This is a way of avoiding the more together and powerful woman that would trigger his fear of rejection and abandonment. If he should happen to choose a solid and healthy partner he will have to weaken her by reducing her through derision to self-doubt and lowered-self-esteem. This way he can maintain his artificial sense of control and stave off his dreaded fear of being alone with himself.

6. The Man Who Would be King: He’s the ultimate “success object.” He’s successful, ambitious, with a ravenous appetite for power and possessions. He may unwittingly be willing to sacrifice hearth and home for something that he feels he must have -- more money, prestige, fame or adulation. Charismatic and intelligent, he commands attention and displays his wealth and power in the company of others. He has a sense of entitlement and surrounds himself with admirers who do his bidding. But he’s perpetually dissatisfied and must continue to pursue new conquests. He is an easy mark for a dangerous woman looking for a man-on-the-rise, a woman who believes that only she has something to offer him that he needs in order to fulfill his quest. She opens the door to heightened passion and ardor so enchanting that he cannot resist her. She imbues him with intoxicating nectar, setting him on fire.

The man who would be king feels privileged to reach out for whatever he desires and longs for, and has an unconscious drive to own all the best women in the land. We might think of former presidents John Kennedy or Bill Clinton as being the prototype for this kind of man. Clinton, similar to his hero, John Kennedy, felt a sense of inflated entitlement manifesting in the belief that he deserved to satisfy his desire for whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted it -- including women. In fact, Kennedy evidenced that he felt he deserved to have his pick of the best women in the land, and he chose perhaps the epitome of the most widely desired vixens of the moment, Marilyn Monroe.

7. The Sexually Addicted Man: Lust has been around since the dawn of time. The theories on why people self-destruct using sex and love run the gamut. One man acts out his addiction by having multiple sex partners and another man obsesses over a woman who is emotionally unavailable to him. Others derail their lives by compulsively masturbating (sometimes as much as five to twenty times a day), having inappropriate fantasies or extramarital affairs, continually logging onto pornographic web sites on the Internet, or hurting themselves sexually with a variety of objects or self-destructive behaviors. Sometimes children of broken families, who live in environments that feature molestation or affairs, may grow into adults who can't distinguish between what's acceptable and what's not. The problem can be made worse by the many sexual images portrayed in the media these days, and of course, alcohol and drugs never make a potentially bad situation better.

It's important to understand that sexual addictions don't happen overnight. They take time to develop. But when they're full-blown, a man won't be able to resist the repeated urge to enter into a potentially dangerous “love relationship” with a sexual object or experience that gives him pleasure and the illusion of intimacy. This last sentence defines an addict: He's hooked and can't say no. To reiterate, the object of his addiction gives him two things: pleasure and an illusion of intimacy.

Not everyone who struggles with sexual compulsions is an addict. Some men abuse their sexuality for a period of time and then grow out of it. Many men with a regrettable sexual experience in the past put it behind them and move on. But not everyone is so fortunate. Some men block emotional pain with sexual pleasure. Over time they have to try increasingly risky forms of sexual behavior in order to deaden the pain. Eventually their world revolves around sex and dangerous relationships. Their obsession has taken over their life. Male and female sex addicts are magnets for each other. It is believed that about 8 percent of men in the United States (and 3 percent of women) have the disorder, but few of those affected are getting the help they need.

The Relationship Minefield
Whether you’re a man or a woman who just read this article, perhaps you personally identify with or recognize someone that is exhibiting some of these tendencies. No doubt you have been struck with the realization that the nature of relationships between men and women these days can seem like a minefield strewn with carefully concealed IED’s. Let’s consider what men can do to avoid unwittingly triggering one of these relationship mines and how to avoid the pitfalls of dangerous relationships.

12 Things Men Can Do to Avoid “Dangerous” Relationships

1. Know Thyself: Look inward and tell yourself the truth about where you may be vulnerable. Seek counsel. Read what’s written on the subject.
2. Recognize Red Flags: As we saw in the case of Mike and Denise, people tell us who they are right off the bat. We need to improve our skills at recognizing what’s in front of our eyes and what our gut instincts “know.”
3. Put the Brakes On: If you’ve already jumped in, step back and evaluate. Notice what’s going on. Watch out for the tendency to form instant intimacy and to take things too fast in the relationship before you really get to know whom you’re dealing with.
4. Only Stay if You Bring Out the Best in Each Other: If you don’t like yourself when you are around her; if you display sides of yourself that disappoint you, that's a red flag. Start asking yourself questions: Is this good for me? Is it good for her? Will it hurt anyone?
5. Don’t Keep the Relationship a Secret: Show the relationship the light of day. Share with a trusted friend or objective advisor who will give you unbiased feedback. Seek professional help. Get into therapy. Be open to the counsel. Learn from the experiences of others in the news and in your social circle.
6. Seek out a Mentor: Look for an older man who can share his own personal wisdom. Challenges are rarely brand new. Most elders have encountered the same challenges before and can be of help by sharing their lessons learned.
7. Handle the Problems at Home: Talk openly and honestly with your primary partner regarding any issues or concerns that have been bothering you. Clear your resentments rather than allowing them to fester and mount up to the point that you feel justified in acting out. Clear your feelings frequently. The truth works; therefore, tell the truth as quickly, completely and compassionately as possible.
8. Think it Through: AA tells recovering alcoholics who are tempted to drink to “think the drink through to its logical conclusion.” Do the same with your relationships. What’s the logical outcome of this relationship, and is that what you really want in your life?
9. Deal with Aging: Face issues of aging and mortality in a mature and responsible way, not by succumbing to a dangerous liaison. Accept that you can only slow down the clock by so much, and then there comes a time to take stock of one’s current life situation with a level of personal accountability.
10. Work on Your Integrity and Character: Integrity may be defined as what you do even when you think nobody would find out. If you believe in marriage fidelity, then take only those actions which are consistent with that value. The truth usually comes out in one way or another, including in physical or psychological ways.
11. Focus on Future, Positive Goals: What dreams have you held out for yourself, your partner and your family? Contemplate your values, your principles and your personal ethic. Consider the importance of those who have shared your life through thick and thin, high and low periods. These are your real friends and allies. Value those who care about you for who you really are, rather than those who care about who they think you are.
12. Make a Course Correction: It’s never too late to get back on The Path. A wise man once said, “Know where you’re going and who’s going with you…and don’t get those reversed.”

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Stephen J. Johnson, Ph.D., MFT is the founder and Director of the Men's Center of Los Angeles, which was formed in 1988 and creator of the Sacred Path Men’s Retreat (since 1987) and Call to Adventure Rites of Passage Retreat for boys and men (since 2000). Having been awarded Masters and Doctoral Fellowships, he earned his advanced degrees from the University of Southern California. He has taught in a number of venues and is a published author. A licensed Psychotherapist in private practice since 1972, Dr. Johnson stands in the forefront of the developing field of Male Psychology and Gender Dynamics. For more information regarding Dr. Johnson: www.DrStephenJohnson.com

This article is copyrighted and may only be excerpted or reprinted with permission by the author.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

Director's Message for August 2010

Day for Men and Women September 25th

Why Men Fall for Dangerous Relationships - Part 3 of 3

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