Director's Message for December 2010

Seasons Greetings, Sacred Path Community,

I hope that you and your loved ones had a great Thanksgiving and are enjoying the celebration of Chanukah and looking forward to Christmas as we close out 2010 and welcome in 2011. A New Year marks the opportunity for new beginnings; therefore, it’s a perfect time to recommit to your intentions as you continue to improve your life. Those of you who were at the Phoenix Rising Fall Retreat are well on your way to following up on the breakthroughs you created for yourself on the mountain. These past couple of years have been challenging for many, and as we approach the fateful date of December 21, 2012, it’s most important to put our lives in order and rise up to fulfill our destiny as we are called on to make a positive difference in our own lives and those of others and the world at large.

How Do We Get Ready For 2012?

“Realize that the higher self, the inner voice, is you. Bring your projections home as your own developmental potential. Ask that deeper self to take dominion within your personality selves, and shift your identity from your ego to your essence. This is the key step to being born as a more universal human. Then, find life purpose. Ask to know what you are born to do. Follow the compass of joy. Seek out those who affirm the highest in you. Where two or more are gathered in the name of that highest dimension or your being there, ‘I Am’ is in your midst. Everyone is needed. Everyone is called. The greatest blessing any one of us can have is to say, ‘yes’ to the dormant potential within us. Reach out to those who attract you, and connect with as many others doing the same as you possibly can.” Barbara Marx Hubbard (Evolutionary Futurist)

The epidemic of bullying across the country contributing to the increase in teen-age suicide has sparked national concern prompting anti-bullying measures that are now being passed. In this newsletter we are including information to assist you in dealing with the problem of bullying. You may know someone who is currently suffering, and this information may save a life.

My friend and colleague, Dr. Bruce Derman, who was one of the presenters at our day for men and women has published his latest book, titled The Hole: A fable that takes you on a journey through the struggle with emptiness in your life. Bruce suggests that “This is a fable for anyone who has dared to ask the question: Do I keep trying to fill the HOLE or do I accept my emptiness? Emptiness lies beneath the core of everyone's journey, and understanding this concept is crucial in order to find peace in one's life. Travel with Dirk and Dawn in their countless struggles to fill the HOLE, so that you can learn the secrets of this intense human dilemma.” If you attended the Colloquium, you had an opportunity to hear Bruce speak about emptiness and nothingness where we tend to fear that life is meaningless. If you purchased and read the book, you learned how to take the journey to transforming your fears, as well as how to accept your own emptiness and discover a love, passion and power that can serve as a guide for the rest of your life. I really enjoyed the fable and concur with Bruce’s premise. I recommend it to you and suggest that it would make a great holiday gift. Other books by Dr. Derman: We'd have a Great Relationship if it weren't for you, and We could've had a Great Date if it weren't for you. You can obtain these books from Bruce’s web site: therelationshipdoctor.net or from amazon.com.

Wishing you and yours a blessed holiday season and a joyous New Year,
Stephen

Upcoming Events: Mark Your Calendars NOW!

We invite you to register for the next Day for Men at Holy Spirit Retreat Center on Saturday, February 5th. This Practicum will focus on bringing your life into balance featuring practices designed to assist you in releasing what’s not needed and embracing what’s important and significant to your life now. We’ll experience Mindfulness Meditations and Rebirthing Breathwork and how earth, air, water and fire are powerful elements for cleansing your energy field and supporting your overall well-being. We’ll discuss clearing practices for sustaining a more relaxed, rested, focused and alert state of inner knowing. For those of you who have asked for a more experiential workshop allowing for emotional release and energetic reinvigoration and revitalization, this is it. And, I’ve invited my friend and spiritual guide, Leonard Orr, (the father of Rebirthing and New Age Spiritual teacher) to present an evening and daylong program for men and women on Friday, June 3 and Saturday, June 4th. This will be a very special opportunity for those in attendance, so set the dates aside. We’ll provide more information in the coming months.

Also, mark your calendars for the Spring Sacred Path and Call to Adventure Retreat, April 7-10. More information will follow. Please keep in mind that we have a special invitation to raise funds for this retreat that will be matched up to $10,000. Charlie Atkinson is encouraging us to secure donations upwards of $10,000 and he will match them, so we have the potential of bringing in at least $20,000 that could make it possible to provide scholarships for many participants at the CTA Retreat. Please consider making a donation. Just make contact with us and we’ll give you the details.

To download the flyer/application for the 2/5/11 Day for Men, Click HERE

A Day for Men with Dr. Stephen Johnson 2/5/11

SPIRITUAL PURIFICATION
The Science of Everlasting Life
Holy Spirit Retreat Center
Saturday, February 5, 2011

There are practices that support and sustain our ability to maintain balance as we traverse the ups and downs of life’s course for us today. The stresses and strains can take their toll if we’re not prepared and equipped to deal with them. This practicum will present information and practices to fortify you in dealing with these challenges as you determine how you will interface with this fast-paced and increasingly hectic world.

It is important to master a conscious relationship with earth, air, water and fire. These are the basic elements of the physical body and the physical universe. They are forever interpenetrating each other in an intelligent way. Basic spiritual purification practices clean and balance the Energy Body that brilliantly creates and maintains the physical body as well as keeping the mind in a state of equanimity and bliss: the peace that passes all understanding.

Spiritual purification is simple and actually pleasurable. Body-Mind rejuvenation and renewal can be achieved as we sustain the eternal process of becoming more alive and vital. The results of spiritual purification practices and philosophy, including Sacred Conscious Breathing and Mindful Meditation on Empowering Affirmations, can heal the death urge promulgating a slowing and reversal of the aging process and mastery over Physical Immortality.

Leonard Orr believes that “This is the best time in human history to achieve
personal practical mastery. We are entering the Age of Truth when everyone will take responsibility for themselves, their enlightenment, and our quality of life.”

For forty years, Stephen Johnson, Ph.D. has been bringing out the best in good men. In 1974, while a Doctoral Fellow in Rehabilitation Psychology at the University of Southern California, Stephen published his research on the Benefits of Yoga Therapy on Self-Concept, Conflict Resolution and Emotional Adjustment. He went on to study a post-doctoral curriculum for four years at the National Academy of Metaphysics and was one of a group of individuals assisting Leonard Orr during his pioneering work with the powerful breathing process called Rebirthing. This became the foundation for the blending of spirituality and psychology that has been at the heart of Stephen’s personal evolvement and his professional practice as a psychotherapist and educator. This is your opportunity to participate in a life enhancing experience with Stephen and a gathering of men who are committed to living conscious lives. You are invited to attend this Practicum on Spiritual Psychology.

To download the flyer/application for the 2/5/11 Day for Men, Click HERE

5 Strategies to Prevent Your Sensitive Son from Being Bullied

by
Dr. Ted Zeff

Did you know that twenty percent of the population has a sensitive nervous system and the trait is equally divided between males and females? Therefore, 20% of all males are sensitive, or one out of every five boys has a finely tuned nervous system. A highly sensitive boy (HSB) can be easily overwhelmed by noise, crowds, fearful of new situations and shy away from aggressive interactions. He generally reacts more deeply and exhibits more emotional sensitivity than the non-sensitive boy which unfortunately could result in being bullied.

According to the National Association of School Psychologists, 160,000 children miss school every day in the United States for fear of being bullied; more than 50 suicides have been linked to prolonged bullying; and approximately 85% of school shootings have revenge against bullies as a major motive. School-related bullying has led to depression and poor school performance in many children.

Although research has shown that infant boys are more emotionally reactive than infant girls, by the time boys reach the age of five, they have usually learned to repress every emotion except anger. Societal values emphasize that males should be aggressive, thick-skinned, and emotionally self-controlled, which is the opposite of a sensitive boy. When boys don't conform to the "boy code" and instead show their gentleness and emotions, they are usually ostracized and humiliated.

Bullies tend to target kids who seem different from others. Since the eighty percent of non-HSBs are hardwired neurologically to behave in a different manner than the twenty percent of HSBs, many sensitive boys do not fit in with the vast majority of boys and risk being bullied. Bullies also target kids who don't fight back and who react deeply to teasing. Research shows that 85% of HSBs avoided fighting and most sensitive boys react more strongly to bullying than other boys.

How can we prevent our sensitive boys from being bullied?

Develop Confidence in your Son by Support from Mom, Dad and Other Adults

The unconditional love and support from parents and other adults will give your son the confidence he needs to face difficult situations. Unfortunately, when the burden is placed on one or two frequently stressed-out adults, it's difficult to give the unconditional love and support a sensitive boy needs. Studies have shown that boys who had positive, loving relationships with other adults (grandparents, aunts, uncles, etc.) reported having more positive experiences as a child than those who did not have these additional relationships. Sensitive men from India and Thailand reported experiencing happier childhoods than those from North America which may be due to the role of the extended family and community in raising children in those cultures. So invite your extended family and friends to share their love with your son.

Some people believe that boys need stronger discipline than girls. However, your sensitive son can learn a lesson better when he is calm and receptive, so when you are disciplining your son it's vital to talk to him in a gentle manner. When you set limits in a calm, yet firm manner it will not lower his self-esteem.

Mothers generally spend more time with their children so they are frequently in a position to bolster their son's confidence. However, fathers (or uncles, grandfathers, or other male role models) need to spend special, positive time with their sons. While a father needs to teach his son how to stand up for himself, he also has to understand, protect, and encourage his sensitive son. Both the father and the son benefit when dad accepts his son's trait of sensitivity instead of trying to mold him into a non-HSB. It's important to model setting limits with others so that your son will learn how to set boundaries if he is humiliated for his sensitivity so he won't get bullied.

Make School a Safe Place for your Son

Parents should regularly discuss their son's progress with his teacher, talk to other parents, and volunteer in the classroom. If you find out that a teacher is mistreating your son, you need to immediately let the teacher and principal know that their behavior is unacceptable. If the teacher is not receptive to changing his or her behavior, you should not let your son remain in the classroom.

If your son gets bullied in school it's important to let him know effective methods to handle the situation. According to the Youth Voice Project which surveyed 11,000 teens in 25 schools, the most effective solutions to stopping bullying was accessing the support of adults and peers. Less effective strategies were ignoring the bullying, telling them to stop, and walking away.

Learning self-defense can give your son more confidence when confronted by bullying. You could ask the P.T.A. or the principal to arrange for a professional to come to the school to offer an anti-bullying program. If your son has tried the methods I mentioned above but the bullying does not stop (or becomes violent), contact your son's school. Your son's safety and sense of well-being is of prime importance, so you have every justification to bring the issue to his teacher, school counselor, and/or principal. If your son's physical safety is in jeopardy and the school authorities won't intervene, you could contact the police. However, it may be more prudent to remove your son from a potentially physically violent situation if the bullying escalates to that point.

The good news is that there are options to attending public school, such as progressive private schools (i.e. Montessori, Waldrof, Steiner) that may be more conducive to your son's emotional and educational needs than a large public school. Homeschooling is ideal for most sensitive boys since the HSB thrives in a safe, quiet, less-stimulating environment where they are free to pursue both core and creative subjects at their own pace. To compensate for the lack of social interaction, it's important for your son to get together with other children who are also being homeschooled, hire tutors and enroll him in special classes.

Help your Son Obtain Peer Support through New Friendships

Most boys prefer to socialize in large groups, yet our sensitive boys usually prefer to interact with only one friend or play by themselves. Since they shy away from aggressive, combative interactions, HSBs may have difficulties making friends with other boys. It may be better for your son to have just one friend rather than trying to be accepted by a group of non-HSBs. However, it could be beneficial for your son to learn how to navigate through the majority nonsensitive boy culture as long as the friends involved remain respectful. Take some time to discuss friendship with your son and emphasize how important it is to be with friends who respect him. It's important for your son to create a balance between spending time alone and with friends or he may not learn successful interpersonal skills.

Help your Son Become Physically Fit

When a boy becomes involved in sports, he feels accepted by his peers, which increases his self-esteem. Most boys are involved in some team sports but research indicates that 85% of sensitive boys did not participate in team sports and most preferred to participate in individual exercise. Since HSBs do not perform well under group pressure and may be deeply hurt by the cruel culture of malicious "boy teasing" while playing sports with other boys, they generally avoid such interactions.

Regardless of athletic ability, it's important for your so to participate in physical exercise since it will help him become healthier, stronger and more confident. When an HSB has someone to teach and encourage him how to play various games, he could thrive, even in the insensitive world of male sports. However, before your son joins a team, you should talk with the coach and possibly other parents to make sure that the players are treated with respect and are not overly competitive. The key is to find athletic activities that your son authentically enjoys.

As previously mentioned, learning some form of self-defense can really empower a sensitive boy, helping him feel safe and better able to fend off bullies if needed. It's important to let the instructor know that your son needs support from the trainer. The sensitive boy who masters some form of self-defense becomes less fearful, more confident and frequently more sociable.

Increase your Son's Self-esteem

Research has shown that the more dissatisfied a boy is with his body, the poorer his self-esteem. Therefore, a sensitive boy who reacts more deeply to teasing about his physical appearance than a non-HSB is at risk for developing low self-esteem. Though the media can be a strong influence on your son, as an adult in his life you are the stronger influence by letting him know that his body is perfect exactly as it is. Discuss how the media is perpetuating myths about what a male body should look like.

An important aspect of a positive body image involves good health. Stress affects health and since your son may be more vulnerable to stress than the non-HSB, it's important to help him maintain a preventative health-maintenance program by making sure he eats a healthy diet, take supplements, gets enough sleep and regular exercise.

Finally, while your son's self-esteem may be diminished by his not fitting in with nonsensitive children, he will feel worthwhile as he receives nourishment from his spiritual pursuits. Since most HSBs have a proclivity toward spirituality, you can increase his self-esteem by encouraging your son to learn meditation, prayer, spend time in nature, or read spiritual books about the great sensitive and compassionate spiritual heroes like Christ, Moses and other saints and sages.

There are millions of parents of sensitive boys trying to help their sons cope in a world that does not appreciate sensitivity in males. I'm sure that as you begin using the suggestions in this article you will start seeing a positive change in your son as he becomes a strong, confident, and happy boy.

Dr. Ted Zeff is the author of "The Strong, Sensitive Boy." For more information on the book please visit Amazon.com/StrongSensitiveBoy.

What's the Best Way to Deal with a Bully?

By
Stephen J. Johnson, Ph.D.

Many school-age children feel that they are misfits and simply don’t fit in with the “in-group” or even the general population of their peers. Kids that are perceived as weird or different can become the target of bullies and become vulnerable to depression, anxiety and the threat of suicide. A 2005 Harris poll found 90 percent of gay and lesbian teens say they’ve been bullied in the past year. And nearly two-thirds of these students feel unsafe in school, according to a 2009 survey by the Gay, Lesbian and Straight Education Network. In September 2010 alone, three teens took their lives after homophobic taunting. The epidemic of bullying across the country has sparked national concern, prompting anti-bullying measures that are now being passed.

“The majority of kids are very reluctant to tell adults they’ve been bullied,” states Kevin Jennings, assistant deputy secretary for the U.S. Department of Education’s Office of Safe and Drug-Free Schools. Experts encourage parents to pay close attention to changes in behavior. A happy child can suddenly become withdrawn or pretend he’s ill to avoid school. If your child seems unhappy and withdrawn and tells you that he or she has no friends at school, that’s a red flag and warrants further exploration

Have you had any personal experiences in dealing with a bully? What did you do about it? Most people have, perhaps when they were young and maybe as adults as well. This was a topic that Yahoo.com wanted to address in their format called, “Answers on the Street.” Their producers, who invited me to be their psychology expert for some of the episodes that were to have a human-interest focus, contacted me. I went into their studios to film the episodes on a variety of topics and this is one of them. I’ve included here an outline of the information that I provided when asked the following questions. An edited version of the interview may be found by logging onto: www.answersonthestreet.yahoo.com

1. Who is a bully? What do bullies do to bully someone?

a. They are children or adults who seek out a victim to attack emotionally and/or physically.
b. They taunt, tease and insult in order to gain power and control over another.
c. They can be relentless.
d. They can be cruel and violent.
e. They like to dominate others.
f. They may have personality disorders.

2. Why do people become bullies?

a. They may need to cover feelings of inadequacy.
b. They may lack good adult role models.
c. They may be bullied by one or more family members at home or by another bully outside the house.
d. They may have fallen into a bullying peer group.

3. Do you know of any ways to deal with a bully?

a. Act Brave -- Take a firm, commanding and non-belligerent stand to let the bully know that you will not allow him to continue his actions.
b. Ignore -- Neutralize the bully’s attempts by not resisting or paying attention. Don’t feed energy to the bully’s efforts.
c. Tell an adult – Speak to someone who is an ally like a parent, friend, teacher, coach, etc.
d. Don’t resort to bullying-back. Avoid aggression and violence.
e. Seek the help and support of friends.

4. Should you stand your ground with a bully or walk away?

Either strategy can be effective under the appropriate circumstances. You might consider that one way to take a stand is to walk away when it’s called for. It doesn’t mean that you’re a wimp or coward by taking the path of least resistance.

5. What would you do to avoid a confrontation with a bully?

Attempt to create space or distance between you and the bully. When that’s not possible, take the bully aside and speak to him privately. Ask him why he doesn’t like you. Try to find out what’s eating at him that’s causing him to take out his anger on you. What are the issues that are causing the pain inside the bully? You don’t have to be his therapist but you can be therapeutic by taking an interest in what may underlie the bully’s behavior. Knowledge is power.

6. Should I raise my voice?

Attempt to speak in a firm and commanding voice rather than rigid and demanding one. Your words have power, and when used with finesse they convey a more powerful message than the one that is delivered with a shout. One doesn’t necessarily hear you any more clearly when you raise your voice. However, a raised voice in a controlled manner can be impressive when necessary.

7. Why do people become victims of bullies?

a. A bully can single out people who isolate.
b. The victims are perceived as different.
c. They have poor social skills.
d. They are at the wrong place at the wrong time.
e. They tend to be silent types.
f. They are carriers of shame.

8. What are some signs that someone is being bullied?

a. Symptoms of school distress like failing grades and loss of interest.
b. Physical symptoms like stomachaches, headaches, nausea, and loss of appetite.
c. Emotional symptoms of anxiety, depression, difficulty sleeping, suicidal ideation, self-mutilation.
d. Disheveled and torn clothes.
e. Missing belongings.
f. Unexplained injuries.
g. Repeated requests for money.

9. How can you help a child who is being bullied?

a. Talk to your child.
b. Ask general and non-confrontive questions.
c. Get a detailed narrative of what’s occurring.
d. Avoid interrupting or judging.
e. Remain calm.
f. Avoid premature solutions.
g. Be patient.
h. Help your child avoid being a target or a victim.
i. Create strategies for dealing with the bully.
j. Enroll the child in a martial arts class.
k. Contact the bully’s parents. Enlist their support to speak with their child so that there is an understanding of the consequences. Have the bully apologize/make amends and replace stolen property or repay for the loss. Seek an introspective understanding concerning the misconduct.
l. Watch for signs that the behavior may not have stopped.

10. What if a child is bullied online?

a. If you’re a child, speak to your parent about what’s happening.
b. Parents should remain calm, cool and collected in reviewing the evidence that has appeared online.
c. Discuss with your child where he/she thinks this may be originating.
d. Deal with it reasonably by contacting the parents of the offender or reporting it to the online server or the cyberspace authorities.
e. No one can truly hide out in cyberspace.

11. You’re a bully if you do any of these things to someone else:

a. You call them names.
b. You spread rumors about them.
c. You make up stories to get them into trouble.
d. You take their friends away, leaving them on their own.
e. You tell other people not to be friends with them.
f. You hit them, kick them, trip them up or push them around.
g. You make remarks about their culture, religion or color.
h. You make remarks about their looks or weight.
i. You make remarks about their disability or medical condition.
j. You don’t choose them to be your partner in class.
k. You leave them out when you’re choosing a team for a game.
l. You tell them you’re busy and then go off to enjoy yourself with others.
m. You take away their possessions or demand money from them.
n. You damage their property.
o. You hide their books or bag.
p. You make jokes about them when you can see they’re upset.
q. You send them nasty text messages or make silent calls on their phone.
r. You indulge in horseplay when you know they are not enjoying it.
s. You make threats about nasty things that will happen to them.
t. You’re going along with the crowd who are doing any of these things.
u. You make homophobic remarks about them liking other boys or other girls.

12. What are some questions you can ask a younger child?

a. Who are your child’s friends and what does he/she like about them?
b. Has he/she dropped old friends and got new ones?
c. What does your child think about the bullying victim?
d. What games do they play at school and who decides who can join in?
e. Is your child afraid of anyone else? There is often a ringleader and children go along with him/her because they are afraid they may be the next targets if they don’t.
f. Could your child be upset because of a change in family circumstances, i.e. separation, bereavement, or a new baby?

13. What are some questions you can ask an older child?

a. How he/she feels about the victim and what they don’t like about him/her?
b. Who else is joining in the bullying?
c. Why are they are doing it?
d. Have they thought of the effect bullying is having on the other person?
e. Is he/she joining in because they’re afraid of the consequences if they don’t?
f. How does he/she think the person being bullied must feel?
g. Does he/she realize that attacking someone else is a criminal offense?
h. Does he/she realize that sending abusive e-mails, text or phone messages are a criminal offense?
i. If the bullying complained about were happening to him/her, what would he/she want done about it?

14. Finally, what are some thoughts for parents to consider?

a. Do you encourage your children to stand up for themselves and could their assertiveness be construed as bullying?
b. Do you tell your children to hit back?
c. Are you confrontational?
d. Are you aggressive if another parent complaints to you about bullying?
e. Are you critical of teaching staff in front of your child?
f. Do you give your children space to talk about things that may be upsetting them?
g. Do you try to work with the school on problems?

15. Here are some web sites that you can turn to for further help:

www.stopbullyingnow.hrsa.gov
www.stopbullyingspeakup.com
www.glsen.org/bullying
www.adl.org/combatbullying
www.wiredsafety.org
www.youtube.com/user/itgetsbetterproject
www.pacer.org/bullying

Wednesday, Dec 8 10:00 pm E! Investigates: Teen Suicide

Teen suicide has been increasing for the past 30 years - E! Investigates will try to discover what may behind the increase in this tragic trend. Hosted by Laura Ling. For more info: www.eonline.com/on/shows/thsi/index.jsp

Medicine Dance Winter Solstice Project 2010

Part the Veils.
Reveal the Underlying Meanings of the Season.

Come---Move, Connect and Feast with us


MEDICINE DANCE
presents
Winter Solstice Project 2010

TRANSITION

Movement & Music
Ceremony
Celebration

with
Fred Sugerman, Christo Pellani & the Winter Solstice Project Band

Saturday, December 18th, 2010

@The Church In Ocean Park
235 Hill St.
Santa Monica, CA 90405 (NW corner of 2nd and Hill)
-parking on the street or meters between Main and Ocean just West of the Church-

$25.00
9:30-2:00 pm, potluck following

details provided following reservation
fsugerman@yahoo.com or 818.608.9848

As we Remember who we REALLY are, let us gather in preparation for the longest night of the year; send a clear message to our Selves, each Other and the Earth, that we are willing participants and co-creators of Transition.

How? Music and Movement
Candle Lighting
Feasting (potluck)

Warmly,

Fred Sugerman
Medicine Dance
818.608.9848

Director's Message for November 2010

November 1, 2010

Greetings Sacred Path Community,

I have frequently heard the words, “this retreat was the best,” following each retreat that we’ve held for the past 23 years. Somehow these words felt different this time, maybe because I witnessed just how extraordinarily profound this event was for so many in attendance. I had remarked during one of my talks that we are not a big operation, but rather we seem to be a “boutique” retreat. We have not endeavored to duplicate our retreat or to take it all over the world. Yet we have something that has endured for over twenty years and holds enough power that it has drawn men back to it again and again, with many men claiming to have attended more than 20 retreats.

The word that resonated for me was “community.” We indeed have become a community of people that have connected in a good way. In fact, the men and the women that support them have found friendship and kinship on a Sacred Path. You can view the pictures and read what many men have said about this retreat. I wish to convey here that the camaraderie and fellowship exuded over the 4 days that we were together on the mountain was rich and overflowing with true support and love.

There were highlights: some of them for me included a heartfelt communication between a father and son; watching one of our disabled men accomplish, with the assistance of his brothers, every task put before him; the candor and depth of the sharing in the community times; how all of the men went full out to stretch beyond their limiting beliefs to create significant breakthroughs; the warmth and sincerity of Grandfather Soldier Bear’s communications in the large group and individually; that which brought the laughter as well as the tears; and, simply, the friendship and brotherhood that was so present.

Comprising the 55 men in attendance, we had those that came from various parts of the country including the east coast. The team of 3 men that facilitated the board-breaking, glass and fire walks came in from Texas. Charles Horton, a fire-walk facilitator, commented that of all of the events that he has led all over the world, “this one was his favorite.” He was blown away by the intensity of the drumming and how all of the men went full out. Another young man offered his services by providing healing bodywork for many of us. The Inipi ceremonies conducted by Andrew and Thomas, including the fire keepers, Vince and Tom, provided a great gift. Scott and the men that assembled and took down the container were selfless in their offering and the container itself continues to develop and go up smoothly under Scott’s creative guidance.

I feel such gratitude to all of the men on the Wisdom Council that held space, and a special thanks to Tom Couper for taking the point on bringing his vision for this retreat to fruition, and to Steve Branker for pulling all of the disparate elements together into a greater sum than its parts. It’s times like this that reinvigorate and lend credence to the overall vision that so many have held for our community. I personally feel that we are called to carry this vision forward as new men find their way onto the Sacred Path. As the dust settles on this retreat and as we turn our attention to the Spring Call to Adventure retreat, it is with a sense of accomplishment that we acknowledge what we have created together. It’s with a sense of awe and wonder that we focus on what will be born out of the ashes of the Phoenix’s descent into the fire and the transformation into what comes next.

There will be a one-day event on February 5, 2011, followed by our Call to Adventure Retreat on April 7-10 (early this year due to Easter and Passover), and then an event with Leonard Orr, the father of Rebirthing, on Friday night, June 3 and Saturday, June 4. Please mark your calendars now; further details will follow.

Charlie Atkinson, Walter’s son, has offered up to $10,000 in matching funds for all donations offered to support the CTA retreat this April. So, please consider making a donation to the Walter Atkinson Scholarship Fund. With $20,000 in our scholarship account we can bring a lot of kids from the inner city to the retreat. Your donation is tax deductible. Checks can be made payable to: Millennium Oaks Institute (our 501c3 not-for-profit corporation) and mailed c/o: MCLA, 21243 Ventura Blvd., Suite 214, Woodland Hills, CA, 91364.

Namaste,
Stephen

PHOENIX RISING IMAGES

To view the entire photo gallery and upload your own pictures, click HERE

Firewalk, Moonrise, and Spirits Rising

Grant, Matthew and John

Phoenix Rising (Wings Spread)

Tony and Grandfather Soldier Bear

Phoenix Rising (Human Form)

PARTICIPANTS' IMPRESSIONS OF THE RETREAT

My Dear Fellow Firewalkers,

I'm writing this to pass on a message to you from my 87-year-old mother.

What you should know about my Mom is that over her lifetime she has created her own set of spiritual practices that help her and the people around her. One of these practices I call "Holding Vigil" and it goes like this: whenever she thinks of a person, be it family or friend or some person or group of people that she knows is suffering, she pauses in the middle of what she is doing, focuses her attention on them, feels respect and love and appreciation for them, wishes them the very best, and then goes on about her day. So my mother holds vigil for people many times throughout the day.

When I told my mother we were going to do a firewalk during this retreat she wasn't too uncomfortable with it because she knows some people in her community who have done it. However she said, "While I know I don't have to do something like that and I'm glad I don't, I hope you learn what you want to and I'm going to hold many vigils for you and the other men."

I just got off the phone with Mom. She said she just needed to call to make sure I was okay. I could tell she was relieved that we were all safe. She said that she held many vigils for us and awoke a few extra times at night. She asked how it went. I told her we had a great time, that we were well prepared and, even more importantly, that we all helped each other. She said, "Well please tell those good men, 'Thank you,' for helping my son and making sure he got home safe."

Thank you for helping me.

I love you with all of my heart, brothers,

Tom Couper

~~~~~~~~~~

Stephen-

Words won't express the gratitude I have for you especially and for all the staff who shape the experience you have created up on the mountain. I think Tom said it best on Sunday when he acknowledged you as "the father of our retreat". As all of us have fathers or are fathers and stepfathers, you mindfully, compassionately and lovingly touched so many men's lives and the lives of those around them by association while building a lasting men's community and legacy for generations to come.

Please accept these photos and others that will be sent shortly to Grant for the website in time for the November newsletter. If some photos are blurry it's because I prefer to capture the spirit of the moment in natural light rather than disrupt the vibe with distracting flashes, especially during more private intimate, breakthrough moments. On firewalk night, when other flashes started firing, I decided to take a few when the guys started requesting individual souvenirs.

This retreat was yet another "full emotional discharge / full emotional recharge" for me and so many others. As many men stated, it really was "the best retreat yet" on so many levels. I agree.
Tommy quipped that it was a real "barn-burner" and I believe he was right, literally and figuratively, now wasn't he?

Thank you so much Stephen,

Love,

Rob Bruce

~~~~~~~~~~

I’ve just come down the mountain from probably the most profoundly transformative three-day experience I have ever had.

This was my fourth retreat in a row, and although each and every prior one has been a deeply moving and mind- and heart-expanding experience, this weekend's retreat just hit the mark on so many levels for me. The theme, "Phoenix Rising," and the opportunity to firewalk as a demonstration of how one's mind can be trained to accomplish the extraordinary really resonated with me. I have wished to release beliefs and behaviors that have limited me in achieving my purpose and true contentment for so long.

The sweat lodge ceremony has been an event that I've looked forward to at each retreat since my first time, and I always love how Andrew incorporates the ancient traditions into an examination of the confusing world we live in today. The temporary discomfort of "suffering while we can," while praying for that which blocks us and holds us back from obtaining what we really desire to be left behind, is a small price to pay. I truly love the beauty and mysticism of this ceremony. And I was so honored to be included among men who others have said are needed to steer us into and through the tremendous changes that are on our not too distant horizon. The experience left me humbled and grateful beyond words.

The series of events on Saturday that precipitated that evening's firewalk unfolded in a manner that could only have been led by a divine hand, from Christo's energizing movement session to Dr. Johnson's morning message on faith, to community time that included the most powerful exchange between a son and his father I have ever witnessed. The firewalk preparation we received, orchestrated with perfection and executed with unbelievable love and compassion, energized us so that we could all be 100% conscious, committed and ready to take that first step onto the hot coals. I watched each man cross that bed of fire, cheering him on as he went, and celebrating with him in the joy of accomplishment - just as my brothers had done for me.

I truly feel blessed to have been a participant in this retreat. I now feel that I really am a member of this community of fine men. I thank all the men who work tirelessly to organize, staff and lead this remarkable event. Your love and welcoming acceptance is appreciated more than mere words could ever express.

In brotherhood,

Sterling Meredith

~~~~~~~~~~

Overall the 2010 Fall Sacred Path Retreat was really the “Best Ever” in the eighteen years that I have been attending the retreats. I have come out of this retreat with a feeling of accomplishment and restored energy like no other. I can't say enough on how well this retreat went. Great work...

Have a wonderful day.

Namaste,

Your Brother Dan Stanton

~~~~~~~~~~

I have been on two retreats. During the first retreat I experienced fear about every challenge, and occasionally that fear was paralyzing. Even though I knew there was going to be a firewalk challenge this retreat, I did not feel fear. I did the firewalk, and looking back I can honestly say that for the first time in my life I had faith that I would be safe, and I was.

Gary Kress

~~~~~~~~~~

Brother Tom:

I want to take a moment to again thank you for being the driving force behind the firewalk. As I look back on it now, though the walk itself was anticlimactic, what the men achieved as a whole was beyond measure. Jose sweated, broke wood, walked on glass and 1000-degree ash, and the love and support that surrounded these moments was off the scale. I witnessed emotional releases on a scale I have not seen in the previous retreats, and was humbled by them. The sharing of Aubry and Scott and the bonding I witnessed fills my eyes with tears even now in the memory of it. My walks and discussions with Soldier Bear are smooth whispers of the gentleness of that soul, and the moments shared are diamonds in my heart's treasure chest. My talks with other men there gave me support in my own task of looking deep...deeper. My experiences during the Retreat are still under review and assimilation. But I needed to share this with you after I read your last email.

Were it not for your drive, this Retreat would not have been what it became. I started out to the Retreat with fear in my heart and my spirit unsure of what the next step was, or if it should ever be taken. The sky was overcast and rain was in the wind. Sunday morning as I walked about the Retreat area, I was overwhelmed with a profound sadness I have not previously experienced. Tears leaped to my eyes as I walked and realized it was over. I had to leave. I had to go back down. I had thought that I had packed it away until Tommy started singing in the Container, and being me, I allowed it to stand forth. When I backed out of the Container, it was one of the hardest departures I have ever experienced in my life. When I left, the sky was clear and sunny, my spirit rode a winged horse, and the fear was gone.

When I came home and was able to adjust again to this zone of time, I looked in my journal and found the following poem. I thought it summarized the Retreat for me very well:

Hollow is the call to the soul
Wreakless the need to pursue;
Unknown the merit of its mere
Quietly heart – step soft the halls
Let no echo of thy want come forth
No hint of what the soul recalls
Raise ocean of thought, wave of feeling
Allow once more your full being
To flow to Spirit’s wholeness

Thanks again. Because of your drive, this Retreat for me was the best. You have my love and blessing, brother, this you know. The gift I gave you in the Container was partial payment for the Retreat you gave me.

Love,

Phillip Jennings

~~~~~~~~~~

Hello Brothers,

Where should I start? I would like to point out that this was the most moving experience of my life, both in terms of not being afraid to do anything that’s presented to me or put in front of me on my path in becoming the best I can be in life. The things in which we all took part reflect my whole past/history and help me deal with the future. Not only have I realized that my life is more and more important as each day passes, but that my life means a lot to others. In addition, there are a lot of people like all of my brothers from the retreat who have genuine hearts and that will listen, show their emotions, and not judge me or their brothers. I must admit I feel that I am not just part of a team, but part of a group of men that I feel will be with me for the rest of my life. It’s something no one can ever take away from me. I will have you all in my heart from now forward, whether we see each other at the retreats every 6 months or not (God forbid). The memories will always be with me, and nothing can ever take them away. Thank you for being so kind, and most of all, SO REAL and not fake like so many people are in this world. The stories everyone shared were so moving that many times I couldn’t hold back my emotions as they spoke to my heart and I cried like a kid. I learn from all of your stories, and they help me in my life. I respect all of you for being as strong as you are to get up and be open to the deepest, most personal things in your lives. That means so much to me, and I think, to everyone else at the retreat. Dr. Johnson and your entire staff, you are so amazing! You are special human beings of whom I consider a few souls in a million can be. I see that what you do is strictly from your heart, and that’s what makes these retreats and all of you so special to me in my life and my spiritual journey. I Love You ALL and I thank you very much from the bottom of my heart for allowing me to be part of something so special!

Manny Valencia

~~~~~~~~~~

I have just returned from the Fall 2010 Sacred Path Men's Retreat. I am rejuvenated and inspired. Our weekend of activities included a "sweat lodge," "walking on fire" (not as scary as it sounds) and communal meetings where we "take the talking stick" and "speak from the heart" about our experiences as men. It is there in this magnificent array that we can open up and share our deepest concerns, our failed dreams, and our hopes for the future. We find that we are not alone in our fears and that our childhood wounds that often involve our fathers (and sometime mothers) are not unique to us. We learn about ourselves and we heal in the company of good men.

There's plenty of fun as well, with glorious trails for vigorous hikes up the mountain, Sunday morning meditation on the point overlooking the vast Pacific Ocean and even a ropes course for the man who craves that "thrill." We are also treated to amazing meals that provide another wonderful opportunity to gather and get to know each other better. This was my 6th retreat and once again, I met some terrific men whom I know will become lifelong friends.

At the Sacred Path Retreat, I am finally among a community of men where I feel that I belong, where I can open up and be myself. I have truly found the feeling of acceptance and brotherhood that I did not have as a young boy. I was not close to my Dad and, as a result I could not find myself or my place in this world as a man. It affected my relationships with both men and women. I am slowly healing myself in this unique world of "a community of good men" that Dr. Stephen Johnson has created with the Men's Center of Los Angeles and the Sacred Path Retreats. It is not a "cure-all" and there is much I need to do individually, but it is a place to go to... to reflect, to listen, to give myself permission to be who I am. It is the home I did not have.

Jeffery Passero

THE SEVEN WAYS OF LIFE

By Grandfather Soldier Bear

1. WACEKIYE - Prayer to and for all of creation. Pray every morning and thank Creator for giving us another day. Before sleep time, thank Creator for giving us a good day. "Anpetu wasteh” means “good morning” in Lakota. Always remember and pray before meals. Pray that people will have open minds before meetings – we call meetings “omniciye”.

2. WAOKIYE – Be helpful to children and elders, and help every person in whatever way you can. We call children “wakaneza”. “Wakan” means sacred as well as meaning The Creator. As Lakotas, we chastise anyone who harms a child.

3. WAUNSILA – literal translation is to have pity for, to have empathy or compassion for someone. The compassion for a fellow human goes further and includes all of the living creatures in our universe.

4. WOWICAKE – Honesty in all that you do and say. Be true to yourself and speak of things you know to be true. Not being honest with oneself is self-deception. Many things are the same - light and dark, heat and cold – these are the same thing and are different in degree only. Honesty and dishonesty are not the same – a lie is a lie and the truth is the truth.

5. WAOHOLA – Respect for all of the Creator’s children, i.e. mankind and all of the things in nature. Have and show respect for your elders. Especially have respect for the women, for they are your grandmothers, mothers, sisters and wives. Be like a man and protect women; never abuse them mentally, physically or spiritually. If you do, you will no longer be a man. That is our belief as Lakotas. I hope that every man could witness what happens when danger threatens a herd of elk or buffalo. [ed. - The males encircle the females and calves, horns facing outward, protecting them with their lives.]

6. WOKSAPA – Wisdom, knowledge that can help mankind. Wisdom does not come with age or with the accumulation of knowledge. Wisdom is the process of applying what knowledge you have in a good way for the benefit of your fellow man.

7. WAHWALA – Humility is recognizing that in comparison to the Creator we know very little and understand even less. When we practice the first five ways and understand the significance of them in a spiritual manner, we may gain a little wisdom. When we actually use our wisdom to help someone and we do it without expecting any acknowledgment from anyone, and we do it with heart, then and only then will they say, “He is a humble person.” I have never heard a truly humble man say that he was humble.

CONNECTION COUNTS: Firewalks, Championships and Brotherhood

By Dan Franklin, MFT, Director of Counseling Services

As an unabashed Los Angeles Laker fan for the last thirty years, I was unapologetically, emotionally moved by the ring ceremony before their first game this season. I trust and hope many of you saw it. Perhaps some of you were moved by it as I was. It actually brought tears to my eyes. In an unusual departure from typical ceremonies of this sort, each player introduced and praised another of his teammates. The resulting embraces and display of respect, love and affection they have for one another was clearly evident and undoubtedly one of the reasons why this team or any team, be it in sports or in life, succeeds to the degree that this team has succeeded. Talent and ability are important factors in life, but esprit de corps, loyalty and trust moves mountains and apparently win championships.

All this was reinforced by Bill Plaschke the next day in his article in the sports section of the Los Angeles Times. While a marvelous writer, Bill’s not always a sentimentalist by any stretch of the imagination. Here he spoke of “hugs and mutual respect”. It’s the kind of expression men aren’t always comfortable with, but can often be found in followers of sport. It immediately brought to mind our very recent Sacred Path Retreat, typically an extraordinary event, but this one was championship caliber as every man there could attest to. That same commitment to each other to operate as a trusting, caring team was evident throughout the week-end. Men don’t often find these kind of opportunities to be there for each other as is found in sports or in real combat for that matter. It’s one reason why many men look to their own playing days on sports teams or the military as among the most meaningful days of their lives.

We did a fire-walk this time, as others may share in this newsletter. I’ll leave it to them to share the details. It is enough to say it was quite an experience. As a metaphor, it parallels the walk through fire that any sports team of men or boys, or females for that matter, go through to end an arduous season with victory. In the Lakers case, it was a repeat championship, no easy task. In our case, it was a victory over fear, doubt and our own sense of limitation.

Plaschke in his article went on to say “the Lakers were champions because they were connected, and Tuesday’s memorable ceremony put a face on that connection while giving voice to its strength”. Our retreats are special because the men on the mountain are connected as well. While we don’t have a long season to grow and bond together, many of us have been attending for over twenty years, and the newest “teammates” seem to quickly find their place among us. It is a recipe that quickly cooks into a richly flavored stew of friendship, camaraderie and trust that is necessary for the events to work. And work they do.

Just as the Lakers have a proud tradition of success, so do the men of the Sacred Path, and my hat’s off to both teams. Both are winners, dedicated to excellence, determination and the love of the experience undertaken and each other. It is part of what’s not just good but what’s great about being a man. May the Lakers and the Men of the Sacred Path know many victories in the future - and in the end - for both teams - it isn’t so much about winning as how you play the game - in sports and in life.

Register for the Pheonix Rising Fall Retreat Now!

Click HERE to download the PHOENIX RISING Fall 2010 Sacred Path Retreat Flyer
Click HERE to download the PHOENIX RISING Fall 2010 Sacred Path Retreat Application
Click HERE to read Dr. Johnson's message on the PHOENIX RISING Retreat

Director's Message for October 2010

October 1, 2010

Greetings Sacred Path Community,

I’m enthused by the response that we’re receiving thus far for the Phoenix Rising Fall Sacred Path Men’s Retreat. Men are obviously excited by the prospects of being able to learn how to engage the phenomenon of mind-over-matter, empowering them to safely perform a FIREWALK. The team that we’re bringing in from Houston, Texas will present a seminar on Saturday, featuring information and processes designed to teach the principles allowing men to accomplish feats that expand beyond the ordinary into the realm of the extraordinary. The real purpose of all of this is to create breakthrough experiences demonstrating one’s capacity for transmitting the accomplishments into other practical fields of endeavor.

In addition to this part of the retreat, we will facilitate all of the other elements of the retreat that men have resonated with throughout the 23 years that we’ve been hosting the Sacred Path events. We’ll have a full Wisdom Council staff on board, with men flying in from all parts of the country to serve as Tribe Leaders and support personnel. And we’re blessed once again to invite Andrew Soliz to pour water for our Inipi (Sweatlodge) Ceremony.

Also, some of the men have asked if they could bring their sons, nephews or other young men to the retreat, and we are open to that possibility and will deal with each potential enrollment individually. Steve Branker will meet with the prospective younger men to make sure that this would be a good experience for them and that they could integrate well into the men’s community for this retreat.

If you haven’t registered yet for this retreat, I want to request that you send in your registration form now so that we can count you in for what will surely be a memorable experience. If you’ve been contemplating whether you can attend, or are perhaps experiencing resistance to participating, I encourage you to take the leap of faith and join your brothers on the mountain this month. We’re available and happy to speak with you personally to answer questions and discuss any of your considerations. We will convene in the late afternoon on Thursday, October 21st and adjourn at 3pm on Sunday the 24th. Please don’t let this opportunity come and go without you being one the reasons it was a success.

I wish to thank Dr. Bruce Derman, Dan Franklin, Catherine DeMonte, Gina Cloud and Andrea Fisher, our guest presenters during our day for men and women last Saturday at Holy Spirit Retreat Center. You can read a review of the event in this newsletter.

I’m welcoming Michael Lynch into my practice as an intern in training. Michael brings a rich variety of experience and will be seeing clients at a reduced fee primarily out of my Beverly Hills office. He is available to see clients in the Woodland Hills office as well. Please read the information about Michael in this newsletter and consider whom you might refer to him.

I’m looking forward to reconnecting with my brothers and making new friends at the upcoming retreat. See you on the mountain.

In the spirit of brotherhood,
Stephen

P.S.: Here are some words of praise from a woman who sees what our retreats can do for her man: "Wow, you guys rock! All of you have so much to contribute to each other and I can not even imagine the powerful miracles happening before, during and after your upcoming retreat!

I am deeply moved and grateful to know that all of your contributions to the retreat group are contributions to each individual, family and our world. I send my love and peace to all of you with emphasis on The Retreat as a whole for the most powerful miracles ever!"

Click HERE to download the Fall 2010 Sacred Path Retreat Flyer
Click HERE to download the Fall 2010 Sacred Path Retreat Application

Introducing Michael Lynch, M.A.

Michael Lynch, M.A. (Registered MFT intern #61045) is pleased to announce he will now be providing therapy services in the Beverly Hills area under the supervision of Stephen J. Johnson, Ph.D., MFT. “I look forward to learning and growing as a therapist under the mentorship of Dr. Johnson and collaborating with the teams from both of his organizations: The Center for Holistic Psychology and The Men's Center of Los Angeles.”
Michael received his Masters degree from Antioch University in 2009 and did his traineeship and many of his internship hours serving the San Fernando Valley’s low-income community at the non-profit Center for Individual and Family Counseling in North Hollywood.
Michael works with individuals, couples, and families of all ages, races, genders, and sexualities. While viewing existential psychotherapy as the base for his work, Michael pulls from all modalities and leaves no road to healing unexplored.
When appropriate Michael also integrates his background as a comedy writer in the entertainment industry – including late night television, sitcoms, morning radio, new media and a book due this fall – into his therapy work. He believes that therapy need not be a grim process and that when we can laugh at our problems they no longer have power over us.
More information can be found on his web site – www.michaellynchtherapy.com

Rich Manners: Review of September 25 "Day for Men and Women"

The Day for Men and Women held on September 25th was an overflowing cornucopia of information dealing with both relationships between couples and with one’s relationship to oneself. The six presenters – Dr. Stephen Johnson, Andrea Fisher, Catherine DeMonte, Dan Franklin, Dr. Bruce Derman and Gina Cloud, had so much knowledge and good counsel to share that we had a problem keeping to the time limits.

Dr. Johnson spoke on the importance of mindfulness in relationships between men and women as well as that of staying in the now, not wasting time either on rehashing past problems or being apprehensive about future difficulties.

Andrea Fisher used her own fascinating life story to illustrate how her own psychotherapy and a fierce determination to find her own path to joy and contentment could be a model for anyone wishing to attain balance and self-realization.

Catherine DeMonte stressed the need for balance in one's life and relationships using the metaphor of a table with 4 legs representing the physical, emotional, mental and spiritual parts of one's being, and that if we fall short in any one or more areas, the legs will not be even and the table - and the relationship - will be out of balance.

Dan Franklin’s presentation centered around the deconstruction of false beliefs (such as, “I must always be perfect”) that each of us carry with us, keeping us from living in the present and robbing us of energy that we could be using for positive action. These beliefs need not be replaced with other beliefs, but instead can be eliminated entirely, leaving us open to live 100% of the time.

Dr. Derman spoke on the subject of his new book, The Hole, in which he describes the one thing that all of us fear: emptiness. He declared that in order to attain true peace of mind and happiness, each of us must not ignore the hole or emptiness inside us and in our relationships with each other, but get to know and befriend it.

Gina Cloud introduced us to material from her new book, W.O.M.A.N. She related how women in today’s American culture have abandoned the roles that nature intended for them, such as receptivity, softness, nurturing, yielding, and tranquility, balancing the heat, solidity, and aggressiveness of men’s yang with their yin. They have also minimized the spiritual importance of their cyclical nature and have adopted the linear nature of men.

Some of the participants evinced a desire for more processes, sacred breathing and talking-stick work that are usually offered at our practicums. Still others mentioned that even though they would have liked to hear more personal information from the participants, they did walk away with a lot of valuable instruction and enjoyed connecting with others. Although the workshop received mixed reviews, many of us felt that it was a worthy experiment that garnered much needed information for us all.

Excerpted from Jed Diamond's newsletter: www.menalive.com

Today the diagnosis of prostate cancer typically begins with an abnormal prostate-specific antigen (PSA) test or perhaps a worrisome finding on a digital rectal exam (DRE). If either the PSA test or DRE suggests cancer, transrectal ultrasound or a prostate biopsy will be performed.

But researchers continue to look for a more accurate way to screen for prostate cancer by testing potential biomarkers to supplement the use of PSA. For example, a biomarker called early prostate cancer antigen-2 (EPCA-2), identified by Johns Hopkins researchers, shows promise but confirmatory studies are needed.

Now, an experimental test that measures levels of a protein in the urine called ANXA3 could help make screening for prostate cancer more accurate. ANXA3 plays a role in cell differentiation and migration.

The study, which comes from Germany and Austria and was published in The Journal of Urology (volume 181, page 343), included 591 men who were being screened for prostate cancer using digital rectal examination and PSA testing. A total of 368 had prostate cancer, and 223 did not.

The researchers found that among the 244 men with PSA levels between 2 and 6 ng/mL, ANXA3 testing missed prostate cancer half the time but had just a 13% rate of false positives. Among the 280 men with PSA levels between 4 and 10 ng/mL, ANXA3 testing missed prostate cancer half the time but had just a 10% rate of false positives. The rate of false positives was even lower when ANXA3 and PSA values were combined.
Up to 75% of all prostate biopsies are unnecessary. The authors of this study predict that the use of ANXA3 could potentially reduce this number to 17%. If further studies support the use of ANXA3 tests, thousands of men could forgo painful, costly biopsies they don't need.

Stephen Johnson: She Says You Don't Communicate

In the movie, The Prince of Tides, there was a particular scene that sticks out in my memory. The adult son, played by Nick Nolte, is standing on a pier with his aging, alcoholic father, who is baiting a fishhook. “You know, I love you,” Hurt says to his father. Without looking up, the father replies after a brief pause, “The Padres beat the Dodgers last night. Did you know that?” He then furtively raises his eyes from the task of preparing the hook to glance at Hurt in a cryptic fashion. Women hearing that line might be inclined to say, “He’s unable to communicate with his son.” Men, on the other hand, see through the disguise. They know the father is communicating, “I love you, too.”

This kind of communication, however, is typically one of the things that drive women crazy about men. If a daughter was professing her love for her mother, the communication between the two would most likely be more responsive and exude a feeling tone that was rich, if not effusive, with emotion-laden expression. The more obscure brand of communication that men are noted for is what often gives women the impression that men are not good communicators and are not in touch with their feelings.
What men seem to intrinsically know, however, is the fact that even when they are talking about sports, business, politics or women they are also sharing feelings. They just do it in code or through actions.

Linguist, Deborah Tannen, Ph.D., in her book, You Just Don’t Understand: Women and Men in Conversation, presented ground-breaking research confirming what we suspected all along, which is that men and women have innately different communication styles. Her thesis is that men engage the world as individuals in a hierarchical social order in which they are either one-up or one-down. She states, “In this world, conversations are negotiations in which people try to achieve and maintain the upper hand if they can, and protect themselves from others’ attempts to put them down and push them around. Life, then, is a contest, a struggle to preserve independence and avoid failure.”

If we trace male behavior back 40,000 years when the masculine societal role was more clear-cut, men were hard-wired to be warriors and hunters. Their communication styles needed to be quick, to-the-point and decisive. Self-preservation and basic survival demanded that men cut off their emotions and think, plan, strategize and take action. Men needed to be wily and cunning and intimately connected to their animal instinct.
Since a man is genetically driven by his provider-protector mode, he tends to be non-emotional. He does this so that he can focus on the problem, determine what’s wrong, figure out if it’s a threat that has to be dealt with, and then find a way to deal with it. He doesn’t want to be caught with his back to the door. He wants to stay free and have a clear view so he can determine what moves he has to make. His sense of personal independence, therefore, is held in the highest regard.
Tannen contrasts the masculine scenario with information that suggests that women tend to approach the world as individuals in a network of connections. “In this world,” she states, “conversations are negotiations for closeness in which people try to seek and give confirmation and support, and to reach consensus. They try to protect themselves from others’ attempts to push them away. Life, then, is a community, a struggle to preserve intimacy and avoid isolation. Though there are hierarchies in this world too, they are hierarchies more of friendship than of power and accomplishment.”

Women’s roles have historically been based on their capacity for giving birth, raising children and homemaking. Their primal instinct is to sit on the nest while men’s primal instinct is to circle the nest. The nesting instinct combined with the capacity for child rearing sets women up to be natural face-to-face communicators. The satisfaction of basic needs is more readily attained through intimate exchange. Men tend to be programmed to survey and surmise from a distance. Their natural inclination is to follow objects moving through space and make solitary and often crucial decisions regarding what they see. Their communication process with others is a more shoulder-to-shoulder approach as they scan the horizon and assess the situation. Women are therefore predisposed for interdependent, collaborative relating and men are geared-up for independent, isolated decision-making.

Communication between men and women is a continual balancing act, juggling the conflicting needs for intimacy and independence. If women speak and hear a language of connection and intimacy, while men speak and hear a language of status and independence, then communication between men and women can truly seem like they are speaking entirely different languages as suggested by John Gray in his book, Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus.

In our contemporary culture the demands of survival have shifted requiring men and women to adapt to an ever-changing role structure. More and more women are working outside the home sharing the provider responsibilities with men while more men are improving their parenting skills and sharing the duties of homemaking. This raises the expectations that through shared experiences men and women are going to have an easier time communicating. It has been my observation, however, that the only thing that has been raised is the stakes. The external stresses on men and women have dramatically increased, putting more internal pressure on them to communicate even more efficiently and effectively. The difficulty is that communication seems to be at an all-time low judging from the high divorce rate and manifest evidence that couples appear increasingly dissatisfied with the quality of their relationships.

In my psychotherapy practice with couples I find myself constantly called on to help men and women comprehend and accept their different communication styles. It is important that the individuals realize that because they have unique ways of conversing it doesn’t necessarily mean that they are incompatible. I attempt to help couples build a bridge to span their different emotional languages. It’s a bridge that allows them to cross from their own ends at different rates and to meet somewhere over the chasm that separates them.

When I evaluate a couple’s capacity for communication, the first thing that I assess is the degree of safety that exists between them. I believe that if they can feel safe with each other, then they can also be vulnerable with each other. Vulnerability essentially means capability of being wounded. Each individual needs to feel safe to be open, trusting that the other will not wound him or her. This sets the stage for intimate contact. True intimacy therefore stems from a couple’s ability to be authentically honest and vulnerable with each other in a safe environment.

The language of intimacy expresses, “We’re close and the same.” The essential element providing connection here is symmetry. The symmetry of connection is what creates the presence of community or the feeling that, “We are in this together, struggling for the same thing... closeness.” This understanding allows us to relax into the realization that, “Even though we are different and have unique ways of expressing ourselves, we want the same thing.” This shared awareness reinforces the feeling of mutuality, which is the basis or foundation for satisfying communication.

Excerpt from: Wisdom of Wolves, by Twyman Towery

No other mammal shows more spirited devotion to its family, organization or social group than the wolf. The members of the wolf pack hunt together to insure survival of the group, but they also play, sing, sleep, scuffle and protect each other. A wolf's purpose for existing is to insure the survival of the pack.

A wolf pack is made up of parents, aunts, uncles, brothers, sisters, half brothers and half sisters - it is truly an extended family organization. And though generally only the Alpha male and Alpha female produce pups, every member of the pack participates in the nurturing and education of the young. Each pack member assumes responsibility for the food, shelter, training, protection and play where the pups are concerned, for the pack realizes that the young are their future.

The loyalty exhibited between wolves is well known and documented. But a Montana man who has used his summers for years to study wolves in Alaska gave me a different view of wolf loyalty. He told about a couple he knew who lived in an extremely remote area with their two sons in a log cabin they had made by hand. This family also included two wolves they had raised from earliest puppyhood, rescuing them from their den after their mother had been indiscriminately shot and the pups left to die. This was the only family the wolves had ever known, having only lived with humans as their pack mates.

One day the parents were cutting wood about a mile from home when one of the boys accidentally turned over a kerosene lamp (there was no electricity), and a raging fire began to consume the wooden structure. The two wolves immediately dashed toward the flaming cabin where the two boys were trapped inside, immobilized by smoke and fear. The parents were far behind, so the wolves gnawed and fought their way into the cabin and pulled the boys outside to safety. Though both wolves were badly burned, their loyalty to their "pack" meant the difference between life and death for these two members of their "pack."

The Wolf Credo, written by Del Goetz, truly captures what the wolf is all about:

Respect the elders.


Teach the young
Cooperate with the pack.

Play when you can.


Hunt when you must.


Rest in between.

Share your affections.


Voice your feelings.


Leave your mark.

© Del Goetz

Director's Message for September 2010

September 3, 2010

Greetings, Sacred Path Community,

I’ll be brief here since I’d really like you to take the time to read about the two upcoming events that we’re excited to announce in this newsletter.

The first is a day for men and women at Holy Spirit Retreat Center on Saturday, September 25th. Most of our events are for men but we don’t want to leave our sisters out in the cold, so on the 25th we’ll have a wonderful opportunity to gather for a heartfelt day of learning, living and loving.

The second event is our 23rd Annual Fall Sacred Path Men’s Retreat just 7 weeks from now (October, 21-24) at Gindling Hilltop Camp, located 15 miles north of Malibu and 2 miles up on a ridge overlooking the ocean. We have a big surprise for you, so please do read further. We’re supporting you through offering these programs and we’re grateful to you for returning the gesture through your enrollments. It does let us know that what we’re providing is meaningful.

Have a great Labor Day holiday weekend.

All my best,
Stephen

To download the flyer/application for the September 25th Day for Men and Women, click HERE
Click HERE to download the Fall 2010 Sacred Path Retreat Flyer
Click HERE to download the Fall 2010 Sacred Path Retreat Application

Day for Men and Women September 25th, 2010

There are so many stresses and strains that impact the lives of men and women as individuals these days. Unrelenting pressures tear at the fabric of intimate relationships and families causing people to become confused leading to a tendency to lock and load into unremitting conflict. This breakdown of systems frequently leads to the relationship coming apart at the seams. What’s the answer when we are questioning which way to turn for help?

Science of Mind teacher, Ernest Holmes, suggests that: “Love is a language which is universal, interpreted through every living soul and understood by all. Love will find the solution to every problem, will answer every question, and will ultimately vanquish every foe. Love begets tolerance; tolerance begets understanding, an understanding which is able to put itself in the other person’s place.”

On Saturday, September 25th from 8:30 to 4:30 at Holy Spirit Retreat Center we will convene for: Men and Women: Autonomy, Interdependence and the Co-Creative Alliance. An invitation is extended to men and women individually or as couples to join in a day to safely open themselves to an exploration of the significant themes that seem to consume people’s lives today and to drink deeply from the well of tolerance, understanding, compassion and love. This colloquium is designed to be informative and interactive and especially heartfelt.

I have invited five guest presenters to join me in facilitating this event. Three men and three women will hold the space for what will no doubt be a wonderful community gathering.

Catherine DeMonte, MFT has a private practice in Calabasis where she treats children, couples and families. She helps people address and heal the blocks and wounds that keep them from being their most authentic Selves. Her gifts include warm empathy and the ability to get to the heart of the matter. It's often said about her that she can hear what isn't said. When working with couples she doesn't take sides. She is on the "side" of the relationship. Catherine is passionate about helping people return to the feeling that inspired couples to get together in the first place. Her presentation will focus on: Balancing Our Lives as Women. She suggests that finding balance can be quite challenging for a woman these days and can spill over into the relationship with the man in her life. She states, “Having time for our selves while feeling solid & whole emotionally, physically, and spiritually is difficult for a lot of women. It seems something always has to give. How do you find time & balance while maintaining high quality relationships with your partner, children and others?” Catherine will inspire women, who juggle many demanding roles and responsibilities in today’s fast-paced and stressful society, to learn to live joyfully while leveraging their two most precious resources, time and energy! It sounds like men will benefit from this information as well. www.catherinedemonte.ocm

Dr. Bruce Derman has been a friend and colleague for over twenty years. He is a clinical psychologist in private practice for forty-two years in Woodland hills and Santa Monica who specializes in couple relationships, sex therapy, eating disorders, divorce mediation and coaching. He has written three books on relationships including, We'd Have a Great Relationship if it Weren't for you. Bruce will present on the theme of his new book, The Hole, and the role that “the hole” plays in couple relationships. The Hole deals with the greatest fear that couples have...emptiness. Couples often struggle with the unending ups and downs of trying to fill their individual holes from the outside with things, such as money, obsessive sex, porn, affairs, emotional tirades, powering, and many other things rather then accepting the nature of their emptiness. Bruce will share with the group members his perspective that emptiness lies beneath the core of everyone's journey and understanding and accepting this concept is crucial to finding peace in one's life and ultimately one’s intimate relationship. The alternative to this quest is constant negative consequences or a lifetime of chasing and defending images leading to the possibility of divorce, as each person seeks out new answers to their bottomless holes.
www.relationshipdoctor.net

Gina Cloud is a deeply devoted teacher, author, speaker, dancer, and mother of a teenaged daughter. She works with women and men, facilitating deep transformational work using the alchemical blending of techniques from all over the world. She is also passionate about empowering young girls and her work has a strong focus on the biological cycles of women. She is deeply committed to teaching self-empowerment to others in a way that brings forth each person’s authentic self, expressed in true beauty and radiating through the heart. www.GinaCloud.com

Gina Cloud will be focusing her presentation on the subject of her book, W.O.M.A.N.: A New Definition. W.O.M.A.N. is an acronym for W.ild, O.pen, M.agical, A.uthentically-empowered, N.ectar. From a spiritual perspective, there is a refocusing in the world today towards the Sacred Feminine, yet many women are living a more masculine existence, which in turn impacts men and the roles we play with each other. This new definition is a spark that could facilitate the process of transformation and the reclamation of balance in the polarities between women and men.

Dan Franklin, MFT, J.D. is the Director of Counseling Services for the Men’s Center of Los Angeles and in private practice as a California state licensed Marriage and Family Therapist with offices in Beverly Hills and Woodland Hills. He specializes within his general practice in couples counseling and intimacy issues, promoting personal and inter-personal empowerment and rapport building within relationships.

As is probably always the case, we are doomed to live in interesting times. With a shaky economy and changing lifestyle and career choices and imperatives for men and women, the dynamics of relationships are more complicated than ever. Dan Franklin’s portion of the program will explore the impact that expectations and reality are having on men in particular, their identities and self-worth and the impact on male/female relationships.
Andrea Fisher considers herself to be a strategic partner assisting others to heal from hardships and personal challenges. She has a lot of passion for supporting men as they traverse a path leading to an opening of their hearts and an expansion of their minds as they access their hidden potential.

Andrea Fisher is a potent speaker who assists others to heal from hardships and personal challenges. Through her own journey and introspective process she has gained an insight and compassion that she freely shares. She has a lot of passion for supporting men as they traverse a path leading to an opening of their hearts and an expansion of their minds as they access their hidden potential. She offers a safe, inviting presence and playfulness that is sure to inspire.

Andrea is a life coach and student of psychology working with men and their feelings. Through her own personal transformation of overcoming great pain and suffering she has been a catalyst for others in helping them to face their own challenges. She now serves as an inspiring coach and an insightful guide through sharing her courage and commitment to help others.

Stephen J. Johnson, Ph.D., MFT is licensed Psychotherapist in private practice since 1972. He is a gifted facilitator and a master guide for the experiential journey. Using his skills as a psychotherapist and the sensibility of a wisdom teacher, he creates a context that allows a freedom of expression, an access to one’s pain, and a doorway to transformation. He acts as a gatekeeper to personal expansion, guide for the spiritual journey and mentor to the opening heart. Dr. Johnson stands in the forefront of the developing field of Male Psychology and Gender Dynamics. www.DrStephenJohnson.com

In my work specifically with men in relationship I have focused on helping them become more Mindful. In so doing, men have become more discerning about the tools and skills that help to stabilize and reinvigorate their intimate relationships. I will focus my contribution to the day on Mindful Relationships and how true soul mates arrive at the realization that their relationship serves as a crucible that is durable enough to allow the right alchemical elements to coalesce maximizing the potential for enlightenment to occur. At the heart of most spiritual teachings is the understanding that Sacred Companionship is one of the two pure paths leading to personal liberation and evolved consciousness. It’s not an easy rode to hoe but the journey along the path promises big results.

At the heart of it, both men and women want the same thing from each other in a relationship: to feel "gotten" and understood. But because we approach getting our needs met differently, both men and women are too often left feeling like their partners don't understand or appreciate them. So many men say that they don't feel valued by their women, and so many women say they don't feel cherished by their men. How can we bridge that gap? How can both get their needs met? The intention of this colloquium is to provide a safe space for men and women to learn from and to support each other authentically and compassionately as we delve into the issues.


Space is limited. Download the flier to register so that you can reserve your place.

To download the flyer/application, click HERE

Phoenix Rising: Into the Fire and out of the Ashes. The 23rd Annual Fall Sacred Path Men’s Retreat October 21-24, 2010

It’s finally here. Your opportunity to sign up for the time of your life is right now. Read about the exciting plans for our upcoming men’s retreat and join with your brothers as we are transformed by fire.

A phoenix is a mythical bird that is a fire spirit with a colorful plumage and a tail of gold and scarlet (or purple, blue, and green according to some legends). It has a 500 to 1000 year life-cycle, near the end of which it builds itself a nest of twigs that it then ignites; both nest and bird burn fiercely! They are reduced to ashes, from which a new, young phoenix or phoenix egg arises, reborn anew to live again. The new phoenix is destined to live as long as its old self.

In all things there is a natural cycle of endings and new beginnings that furthers the aim of making significant changes along the journey from birth until death. A phoenix is a symbol for transformation. Like a phoenix rising from the ashes we too have the ability to deeply transform our selves through determined focus and skillful actions in combination with intuitive understanding regarding our life purpose.

Let me ask you a question. When you first became aware that we were going to hold a Firewalk ceremony at the fall Sacred Path retreat, what crossed your mind and perhaps more importantly, what did you feel; excitement, enthusiasm or resistance? The most common feeling arising from those that have not done a Firewalk before is, fearful. Perhaps your mind said, “that’s dangerous” or “how stupid,” or, “what’s the point? or even, “I can’t do that.” Quite reasonable reactions and I can tell you this: I did the firewalk with the Tony Robbins Institute over 20 years ago and all of the normal feelings and thoughts came up for me as well, and I did it anyway. Even though I initially felt the fear, I chose not to let it hold me back. And what I got from doing the firewalk I credit as being one of the most compelling and life changing experiences of my life. In fact, I did it four times on three entirely separate occasions and I invited dozens of friends to join me for the experience of a lifetime.

When I was a youngster I suffered from a lot of anxiety and would typically let my fear hold me back. I would go to extremes to create excuses to hopefully legitimize why I couldn’t follow through with things that scared me. Eventually, I had the presence of mind to make an agreement with my fear. I told it that I would no longer allow it to hold me back and that it could come along with me or stay behind but I would no longer allow it to have the power over me to keep me from moving forward with my life.

Certainly it’s important to set appropriate limits and boundaries. We don’t have to do everything in order to prove that we’re courageous or manly. It’s just as important what we say “no” to as it is what we say “yes” to and that distinction can help to keep us safe and secure.

In the mid-1970’s when I experienced the Rebirthing process I learned a lot more about my fears and what had caused them. I also learned that breathing into fear allows it to transmute into excitement. It occurred to me at the time that fear was really excitement without breath and that it was a lot easier to get off of my heels and onto my toes when I didn’t hold my breath.

Susan Jeffers, Ph.D. in her breakthrough book, Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway, published 20 years ago asks her readers to ponder the question, “What is it for you? Fear of public speaking, asserting yourself, making decisions, intimacy, changing jobs, being alone, aging, driving, losing a loved one, ending a relationship?” She goes on to state, “...Fear seems to be epidemic in our society. We fear beginnings; we fear endings. We fear changing; we fear ‘staying stuck.’ We fear success; we fear failure. We fear living; we fear dying.” Dr. Jeffers posits that, “...fear is primarily an educational problem, and that by reeducating the mind, we can accept fear as simply a fact of life rather than a barrier to success.” What she discovered is that, “At the bottom of every one of our fears is simply the fear that we can’t handle whatever life may bring us.” She realized that, “If we knew we could handle anything that came our way, what would we possibly have to fear? The answer is: NOTHING!” Dr. Jeffers concludes that, “All we have to do to diminish our fear is to develop more trust in our ability to handle whatever comes our way!”

The firewalk is more than the experience of learning how to walk on fire without burning yourself. It’s a metaphor for how to confront your fears, your limited beliefs and how to take the leap of faith in all aspects of your day-to-day life. You do not need to be fearless in order to accomplish it. You just need to be intrepid which is the willingness, as Susan Jeffers encouraged us years ago, to feel the fear and do it anyway. The firewalk is a breakthrough experience that can educate and empower you to move through other barriers standing between you and what you want and need to handle in your life.

Fire is an extraordinary element. It’s transformative. Yes, it can harm but it can also heal. What do you want to burn away in your life? What’s no longer needed or necessary and can be offered to the fire? What needs to be healed and transformed in your life? This obviously will not be just another Sacred Path retreat. We’ve done a lot of things over the years while on retreat and I personally have always felt that each retreat was new and uniquely powerful. But we’ve never held a firewalk before. Yet, when we were looking at what we were going to add to make this retreat something truly new and memorable, three members of the Wisdom Council in unison said “FIREWALK.

A core group of men began to investigate what it would take to hold a Firewalk. They discovered that there is an organization based in Houston, Texas that conducts firewalks. We have completed the details and have finalized the arrangements to bring a certified team to our fall retreat. They will take us through a learning system to prepare us for safely walking on fire. All the other elements coalescing to create what has served us so well like the Inipi (Sweatlodge) Ceremony, Community Gatherings, Tribe Meetings, Breakout Sessions, Fantastic Cuisine, Fellowship and Good Natured Fun will also be present. Will you?

Based on my own experience and those of the men whom I personally know that have done the firewalk before, I believe this will be a life-changing experience. If you’ve experienced the sweat lodge and experienced the ropes course and any of the other activities that we’ve offered that may have given you pause before you made the decision to take the leap of faith, this is another step along your Sacred Path. I invite and encourage you to take this step and make that leap in your life. I know it will be transformative in many more ways than one or perhaps than you can even imagine. Why wait? Register now and begin the retreat weeks before we convene on the mountain once again in the spirit of brotherhood.

Namaste,
Stephen Johnson

Click HERE to download the Fall 2010 Sacred Path Retreat Flyer
Click HERE to download the Fall 2010 Sacred Path Retreat Application