Greetings Sacred Path Community,
Do you ever stop to consider the risks you tend to take or avoid in the process of navigating the day-to-day trajectory of your life? We humans are called on to make decisions on a daily basis that contain some element of risk. Even getting in the car and traveling a few blocks is not without some risk. There are those of us that are natural risk-takers or thrill seekers, and on the other end of the spectrum we find those of us that are considered risk-avoidant. Where do you believe you fall along this continuum?
Life seems to be predicated on a series of transactions that either maximize the potential for risking successfully or mitigate the pitfalls associated with the less than favorable consequences from a risk gone awry. How do you navigate this process? Do you find it relatively easy, inconsequential, or quite challenging to take the necessary steps to stretch out of your comfort zone? What’s at stake when you decide to take the risk to do something perhaps new or bold or daring?
I reflected on this the other day after reading the morning lesson in Daily OM, titled Risking to Take a Chance. The message contained the following information:
“If you are considering taking risks today, you may find the following exercise helpful: Give some thought to times in the past when you have taken on new challenges or responsibilities. Think about the adjustments you made to meet your new obligations. Recall how this experience helped you to grow and achieve your goals. This exercise can motivate you to push through with your risk-taking impulses.
Reflecting on the times we succeeded in taking risks can give us the confidence we need to take chances in the present. We have a wealth of blessings in our lives now that came about because we were willing to take a risk. Though we had no way of knowing how our risks would turn out, we used our knowledge and a measure of faith to move ahead into the unknown. In hindsight we can appreciate that our willingness led us to successful outcomes. Remember the good that has manifested in your life as a result of the risks you’ve taken, and you will have the confidence you need to take more chances today.”
When you reflect on attending the Fall Sacred Path Men’s Retreat, do you consider the stakes or what might be at risk by participating? For newcomers, the risk might be connected to the unknown. For others, it might have to do with some component of the retreat that carries an element of risk. Maybe it’s to open up and communicate something authentic about yourself to the other men, or perhaps it’s to take the first step onto a path you never thought you’d be able to cross. What are you willing to relinquish in order to allow change to occur? Maybe the risk has more to do with what might be activated at home or at work as a result of your taking the time away for yourself from your normal activities. Maybe there is what you risk in not going to the retreat that contains aspects of loss, disconnection, isolation and loneliness. So, there may exist risk in going as well as the potential risk of not going.
As you contemplate whether you are registering for the retreat or not, please do give careful consideration to what you risk by going or not going as the case may be. I hope that you will conclude that the risk of staying away outweighs the risk of taking the leap of faith and joining your brothers for this community event. You just may discover that what you risk can be hazardous to your misery.
Read about what we are putting together for this retreat and let Spirit move you accordingly. I know it’s going to be great, now discover it for your self.
In brotherhood,
Stephen
To read about the upcoming retreat, click HERE
To download the fill-in application, click HERE
Thursday, August 4, 2011
Openings Available in Dr. Johnson's Evening Men's Groups
Openings are now available in Dr. Stephen Johnson's evening men's therapy/support groups. There is one space available on Tuesday night in Beverly Hills, and two openings are available on Wednesday night in Woodland Hills. For more information, call Dr. Johnson at 818-348-8948 or e-mail drj@drstephenjohnson.com.
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Men in Grief Seek Others Who Mourn as They Do
By PERRY GARFINKEL
In 1990, Sam and Gretchen Feldman cashed out on their share of a national chain of men’s apparel stores and retired to Martha’s Vineyard, Mass. There, they devoted their time to volunteer work and an active social calendar. The following years were golden ones for the Feldmans, but in 2007 Mrs. Feldman learned she had cancer. She died a year later. The Feldmans had been married 53 years, and Mr. Feldman’s grief was palpable to friends who knew him as a buoyant, resilient personality.
“There was a huge hole in my life that no amount of activity could replace,” said Mr. Feldman, now 82. “And except for my two daughters, there was no one I could turn to for solace.”
There was a local bereavement group for spouses, but Mr. Feldman opted out when he learned it consisted only of women.
“I just didn’t think women would relate to my pain,” he said. “And, frankly, I come from a generation that feels uncomfortable exposing our sadness and vulnerability to the opposite sex.” The loss of a loved one is a profoundly heartbreaking experience, but it is not the same for everyone. Research increasingly suggests that men and women experience grief in different ways, and the realization has bolstered a nascent movement of bereavement groups geared to men throughout the country. Many of them are affiliated with hospitals and hospice centers.
Concern about reaching men in grief has gained new urgency with shifting demographics. The number of men age 65 and older increased by 21 percent from 2000 to 2010, nearly double the 11.2 percent growth rate for women in that age group, according to census figures. As the gender gap in life span narrows, experts suggest that more men will be facing the loss of loved ones, particularly spouses.
Many will be not be prepared for the experience. The loss of a spouse often is crushing for men physically as well as psychologically. In a 2001 paper published in The Review of General Psychology, psychologists at the University of Utrecht in the Netherlands confirmed earlier data showing widowers have a higher incidence of mental and physical illness, disabilities, death and suicide than widows do. While women who lose their husbands often speak of feeling abandoned or deserted, widowers tend to experience the loss “as one of dismemberment, as if they had lost something that kept them organized and whole,” Michael Caserta, chairman of the Center for Healthy Aging at the University of Utah, said by e-mail.
The Harvard Bereavement Study, a landmark late 1960s investigation of spousal loss, found that widowers experienced the death of a wife as a multifaceted tragedy, a loss of protection, support and comfort that left many at sea. The men in the study relied heavily on their wives to manage their domestic lives, from household chores to raising their children, the researchers noted. The grief of men is compounded, Dr. Caserta added, by the fact that so many have been reluctant to directly address real feelings of deep sadness; until recently, men were expected to be emotionally controlled and inexpressive. Simply persuading grief-stricken men to attend a bereavement group is still no small challenge.
“While there’s strong indication that grief therapy helps men, historically men generally don’t join groups,” Phyllis Silverman, a grief researcher and an author of “Widower: When Men Are Left Alone,” said in a telephone interview.
There are also differences in the length of time men grieve, compared with women, and how long it takes to move on. An old axiom that “women mourn, men replace” turns out to be untrue.
“It used to be thought that men grieve acutely and heal more quickly, and that women grieve chronically over a longer time period,” said George A. Bonanno, a clinical psychology professor at Columbia University in New York. But now, Dr. Bonanno said, many researchers believe that grief follows a more complex pattern in both men and women. “No matter what sex, we oscillate between positive and negative emotions, between waves of sadness about the loss and hope for the future,” he said in a telephone interview. “This can be frustrating for men, who often seek the ‘quick-fix’ approach.”
Sherry Schachter, director of bereavement services at Calvary Hospital in the Bronx and a grief specialist for 25 years, said in a telephone interview: “While women grieve intuitively, open to expressing their feelings, men are ‘instrumental’ grievers. They’re not comfortable with talking about their feelings, and they prefer to do things to cope.”
In a men’s group she has run for the last few years, she said, “I never ask, ‘How do you feel?’ Rather, I ask, ‘What did you do?’ ”
In some cases, what men are doing is taking grief counseling into their own hands. Mr. Feldman started a biweekly bereavement group for widowers on Martha’s Vineyard, and two years ago spearheaded the Men’s Bereavement Network, a nonprofit organization seeking to establish and support grief groups for men nationwide. The network is helping to establish bereavement groups for men in places as diverse as DePere, Wis.; Clearwater, Fla.; and Danvers, Mass.
At a recent peer-led gathering of the Martha’s Vineyard group begun by Mr. Feldman, eight men in their late 40s to late 80s sat around the dining room table at the home of the session leader, Foster Greene. Dr. George Cohn, a local psychiatrist, sat alongside, for the most part a silent observer.
A retired fisherman, at 85 one of the older members of the group, spoke in a low voice, looking mostly into his coffee cup. His wife of 54 years died in 2010.
“I don’t know about you guys,” he said, quickly glancing around the table of men, “but for me it gets harder, not easier.” The other men nodded.
Later Dr. Cohn said, “Sometimes that’s all a man wants or needs — a sympathetic ear.”
In 1990, Sam and Gretchen Feldman cashed out on their share of a national chain of men’s apparel stores and retired to Martha’s Vineyard, Mass. There, they devoted their time to volunteer work and an active social calendar. The following years were golden ones for the Feldmans, but in 2007 Mrs. Feldman learned she had cancer. She died a year later. The Feldmans had been married 53 years, and Mr. Feldman’s grief was palpable to friends who knew him as a buoyant, resilient personality.
“There was a huge hole in my life that no amount of activity could replace,” said Mr. Feldman, now 82. “And except for my two daughters, there was no one I could turn to for solace.”
There was a local bereavement group for spouses, but Mr. Feldman opted out when he learned it consisted only of women.
“I just didn’t think women would relate to my pain,” he said. “And, frankly, I come from a generation that feels uncomfortable exposing our sadness and vulnerability to the opposite sex.” The loss of a loved one is a profoundly heartbreaking experience, but it is not the same for everyone. Research increasingly suggests that men and women experience grief in different ways, and the realization has bolstered a nascent movement of bereavement groups geared to men throughout the country. Many of them are affiliated with hospitals and hospice centers.
Concern about reaching men in grief has gained new urgency with shifting demographics. The number of men age 65 and older increased by 21 percent from 2000 to 2010, nearly double the 11.2 percent growth rate for women in that age group, according to census figures. As the gender gap in life span narrows, experts suggest that more men will be facing the loss of loved ones, particularly spouses.
Many will be not be prepared for the experience. The loss of a spouse often is crushing for men physically as well as psychologically. In a 2001 paper published in The Review of General Psychology, psychologists at the University of Utrecht in the Netherlands confirmed earlier data showing widowers have a higher incidence of mental and physical illness, disabilities, death and suicide than widows do. While women who lose their husbands often speak of feeling abandoned or deserted, widowers tend to experience the loss “as one of dismemberment, as if they had lost something that kept them organized and whole,” Michael Caserta, chairman of the Center for Healthy Aging at the University of Utah, said by e-mail.
The Harvard Bereavement Study, a landmark late 1960s investigation of spousal loss, found that widowers experienced the death of a wife as a multifaceted tragedy, a loss of protection, support and comfort that left many at sea. The men in the study relied heavily on their wives to manage their domestic lives, from household chores to raising their children, the researchers noted. The grief of men is compounded, Dr. Caserta added, by the fact that so many have been reluctant to directly address real feelings of deep sadness; until recently, men were expected to be emotionally controlled and inexpressive. Simply persuading grief-stricken men to attend a bereavement group is still no small challenge.
“While there’s strong indication that grief therapy helps men, historically men generally don’t join groups,” Phyllis Silverman, a grief researcher and an author of “Widower: When Men Are Left Alone,” said in a telephone interview.
There are also differences in the length of time men grieve, compared with women, and how long it takes to move on. An old axiom that “women mourn, men replace” turns out to be untrue.
“It used to be thought that men grieve acutely and heal more quickly, and that women grieve chronically over a longer time period,” said George A. Bonanno, a clinical psychology professor at Columbia University in New York. But now, Dr. Bonanno said, many researchers believe that grief follows a more complex pattern in both men and women. “No matter what sex, we oscillate between positive and negative emotions, between waves of sadness about the loss and hope for the future,” he said in a telephone interview. “This can be frustrating for men, who often seek the ‘quick-fix’ approach.”
Sherry Schachter, director of bereavement services at Calvary Hospital in the Bronx and a grief specialist for 25 years, said in a telephone interview: “While women grieve intuitively, open to expressing their feelings, men are ‘instrumental’ grievers. They’re not comfortable with talking about their feelings, and they prefer to do things to cope.”
In a men’s group she has run for the last few years, she said, “I never ask, ‘How do you feel?’ Rather, I ask, ‘What did you do?’ ”
In some cases, what men are doing is taking grief counseling into their own hands. Mr. Feldman started a biweekly bereavement group for widowers on Martha’s Vineyard, and two years ago spearheaded the Men’s Bereavement Network, a nonprofit organization seeking to establish and support grief groups for men nationwide. The network is helping to establish bereavement groups for men in places as diverse as DePere, Wis.; Clearwater, Fla.; and Danvers, Mass.
At a recent peer-led gathering of the Martha’s Vineyard group begun by Mr. Feldman, eight men in their late 40s to late 80s sat around the dining room table at the home of the session leader, Foster Greene. Dr. George Cohn, a local psychiatrist, sat alongside, for the most part a silent observer.
A retired fisherman, at 85 one of the older members of the group, spoke in a low voice, looking mostly into his coffee cup. His wife of 54 years died in 2010.
“I don’t know about you guys,” he said, quickly glancing around the table of men, “but for me it gets harder, not easier.” The other men nodded.
Later Dr. Cohn said, “Sometimes that’s all a man wants or needs — a sympathetic ear.”
Daily Om: Staying Conscious
Staying Grounded in a Big City or Busy World
For a more grounded life, choose not to get caught up in the fast-paced world around you.
1. Live simply and live deliberately. By choosing not to get caught up in the details of this fast-paced world, you are doing your part to slow down. You will discover that you have more time to enjoy being alive.
2. Stay in touch with yourself. Soul searching, meditation, and journaling are just a few of the many activities you can take part in to stay aware and learn as much as you can about your emotions, reactions, likes, dislikes, dreams, and fears. Having a solid sense of self gives you a firm foundation for living in this world.
3. Support or teach others as often as you can. This can help you form connections with people while also giving you an opportunity to make the world a better place.
4. Consciously choose what you will allow into your being. The media bombards us with visions of hate, war, and pain. Be judicious about what you read, watch, and listen to.
5. Acknowledge the beauty that resides around you. Whether you live in a sprawling metropolis or a stereotypical suburb, there are natural and man-made wonders just waiting to be discovered by you.
6. Nurture your ties to your tribe. If you don’t have one, create a community that you can belong to. Modern life can be isolating. When you have a tribe, you have a circle that you are a part of. Its members – loved ones, friends, or neighbors - can be a source of support, caring, guidance, and companionship.
7. See the larger picture. Remember the way that you choose to live is not the only way to live. Widen your perspective by exploring other modes of being through research, travel, and discussion.
8. Embrace the challenges that life presents to you, and challenge yourself often. After a time, even the most exciting jobs or lifestyles can seem routine. Never stop assimilating new knowledge about whatever you are doing, and your life will never seem dull.
9. Move your body. In this busy world, it can be easy to live a sedentary life. Movement reacquaints us with our bodies and connects us to the earth in a visceral way. It also restores our vitality.
10. Make time for stillness, silence, and solitude. The world can be noisy, and we are subject to all kinds of noises nearly every waking hour. We are also often “on the go” and unable to relax. Being alone in a peaceful place and making time for quiet can help you stay in touch with yourself.
Jeff Passero: KIKI BABY Invitation
Dear Brothers,
As you may know, my wife and I are producing the new Lonny Price musical "KIKI BABY," an absurdist musical about a child singing sensation and the desperate adults who hitch themselves to her money-making star. KIKI BABY has been invited to participate in the 2011 NY Musical Theatre Festival (NYMF) this fall. NYMF, the largest musical theatre festival in the world, is to new musicals what Sundance is to independent films.
Unfortunately, the cost of a production in this festival is at least $50,000, and so we are asking for your help to make this production happen! We are having a fundraiser on Saturday, AUGUST 13th at Hollywood Piano, 1033 Hollywood Way Burbank, CA 91505 from 6-9pm and we really hope you will come. It’ll be a fabulous evening of cocktails, dinner, a silent auction and great entertainment!
As my friends from the Men’s Retreats, we are offering you a half-price special of $65 per ticket. And if you bring a friend, the price drops to $50 per person!
We hope you’ll be able to attend our fundraiser, but if you can’t, won’t you please consider making a tax-deductible contribution to the NY Musical Theatre Festival to help underwrite this production of KIKI BABY?
Thank you!
All the best,
Jeff Passero
*NYMF is a non-profit 501(c)(3), so donations are tax deductible. Go to NYMF.org/KIKIBABY for more info.
To download the fundraiser invitation, click HERE
As you may know, my wife and I are producing the new Lonny Price musical "KIKI BABY," an absurdist musical about a child singing sensation and the desperate adults who hitch themselves to her money-making star. KIKI BABY has been invited to participate in the 2011 NY Musical Theatre Festival (NYMF) this fall. NYMF, the largest musical theatre festival in the world, is to new musicals what Sundance is to independent films.
Unfortunately, the cost of a production in this festival is at least $50,000, and so we are asking for your help to make this production happen! We are having a fundraiser on Saturday, AUGUST 13th at Hollywood Piano, 1033 Hollywood Way Burbank, CA 91505 from 6-9pm and we really hope you will come. It’ll be a fabulous evening of cocktails, dinner, a silent auction and great entertainment!
As my friends from the Men’s Retreats, we are offering you a half-price special of $65 per ticket. And if you bring a friend, the price drops to $50 per person!
We hope you’ll be able to attend our fundraiser, but if you can’t, won’t you please consider making a tax-deductible contribution to the NY Musical Theatre Festival to help underwrite this production of KIKI BABY?
Thank you!
All the best,
Jeff Passero
*NYMF is a non-profit 501(c)(3), so donations are tax deductible. Go to NYMF.org/KIKIBABY for more info.
To download the fundraiser invitation, click HERE
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