Sunday, July 4, 2010
Greetings, brothers and sisters of the Sacred Path Community,
During the month of June the Men’s Center sponsored a Day for Men about women featuring therapist Catherine DeMonte at Holy Spirit Retreat Center. One week later, I was a panelist at the First Annual BOND Men’s Conference in Los Angeles, and then the following Saturday a group of men gathered downtown to present certificates of achievement to the young men that participated in the 11th Annual Call to Adventure Rites of Passage Retreat. You will find write-ups and pictures from the BOND and CTA events in this newsletter. Additionally, the 2nd installment of my article, Why Men Fall for Dangerous Relationships, appears in this issue.
We’ll take the months of July and August off from any events and resume in September on Saturday the 25th for a day for men and women. Mark your calendars and we’ll provide more information about the program in the August newsletter. We’re considering some exciting possibilities for the Fall Sacred Path Men’s Retreat. I had inadvertently put the incorrect dates in the June newsletter. The actual dates are October 21-24.
After my mother and I simultaneously encountered health issues toward the end of June, putting the trip to Europe in question that my wife and I have planned for next week, I’m glad to say that I’m feeling much better and my mom is regaining her strength. As I am looking forward to our vacation, I wish you and your loved ones a fun and relaxing July.
In the spirit of those adventurous souls that forged the foundation of our country we have much to be grateful for as we celebrate today.
In brotherhood,
Stephen
Tuesday, July 6, 2010
Dan Franklin: A Message of Congratulations and Hope
As a follow-up to our recent Call to Adventure Retreat, a group of Sacred Path Wisdom Council and staff members met with some of the attending boys and their mentors to honor the boys with certificates of completion, signifying their having accomplished the requisite rites of passage of this extraordinary program.
These young men should be rightfully proud of what they accomplished and while we were thrilled to have them join our community on the Mountain in Malibu, we are pleased to have joined them in one of their community centers in the heart of their environment.
With each passing Call To Adventure Retreat, we are witnessing the short and long term benefits of mentoring both inner city at-risk youth as well as boys from our own communities. It is an alchemy of trusting, mentoring, caring and sharing between men and boys that we believe serve as a model for the kind of programs that can link communities that might otherwise never touch, hearts that might never meet, and souls that might never mend.
We thank all of you in attendance at our most recent and all our Calls To Adventure as well as Sacred Path Retreats. We encourage those of you who may be reading this and haven’t taken the opportunity, to join us for future events such as these that will make a difference in your lives as well as in the lives of others. Experience is teaching those of us involved that the nurturance of young men and boys who might not otherwise experience the kind of growth experience and support offered in our programs is enhancing lives at the very least and saving lives when all is said and done.
We are proud of what is being accomplished and want nothing more then to expand our community of men and boys in programs such as The Call To Adventure that are exciting, growth promoting, fun and that further the cause of being a part of society that is contributing to the solutions rather than the problems.
Once again, congratulations to our outstanding participants and graduates. Ho!
Dan Franklin, MFT
Associate Director/Counseling Services of The Men’s Center of Los Angeles
Staff Member/Sacred Path and Call To Adventure Retreats
Monday, July 5, 2010
BOND Holds Successful First Annual Conference
BOND, the Brotherhood Organization of A New Destiny, hosted a successful First Annual Fatherhood and Men's Conference on Father's Day weekend at its headquarters in Los Angeles. This one-of-a kind men's forum featured an all-male panel discussion with top-notch experts, as well as a powerful workshop designed to equip attendees with the tools they need to be better men and understand their central role in society.Men of all races, young and old, packed the BOND headquarters for an afternoon filled with honest and bold dialogue on topics such as What it Means to Be a Man; How To Overcome Anger; and the Value of Fathers and Their Role In the Family, and much more.
The event began with a panel discussion moderated by BOND Founder and President Rev. Jesse Lee Peterson. Panelists for this event included: Dr. Stephen Johnson, Founder and Director of the Men's Center of Los Angeles; Giacomo Knox, Independent Filmmaker and Director of "A Week With My Father"; and Wayne M. Levine, Author and Director of BetterMen.org.
Rev. Peterson began peppering the panelists with questions about what it means to be a man and how men can overcome issues of anger in order to have better lives and relationships.
One question in particular elicited much agreement from both the panelists and audience. Rev. Peterson asked if the men have noticed that when a male steps up and tries to be a real man, he's immediately attacked from all sides. Most of the men agreed and said that they've witnessed that first-hand.
Dr. Stephen Johnson, a clinical psychologist who has practiced in the suburbs of Los Angeles for more than 30 years, recounted how the modern men's movement was gaining momentum in the 80's and how he witnessed its demise.
Johnson recalled seeing leaders of men's organizations being ridiculed and mocked by the media and attacked by feminists and "feminized younger men." He said that the onslaught of attacks and parodies making a mockery of the tradional manly man literally drove the men's organizations into exile or wiped them out all together.
Panelists Giacomo Knox and Wayne Levine discussed their theories about the state of men and responded to questions posed by Rev. Peterson regarding how society has reached such a low point that according to a recent Pew Research study 41 percent of all American children are born to single mothers.
Knox talked about his journey to reconnect and rebuild his relationship with his father, which he's documented on film and has turned into a weekly series (www.aweekwithmyfather.com). He also expressed the value and importance of fathers and how reconnecting with his father has been a very positive and freeing experience.
Another topic that started a robust discussion was whether men should confide in and tell their wives and girlfriends their problems.
Rev. Peterson stated that men should never complain or seek answers to their problems from women. He explained that men should look to Christ to guide them. He added that a woman cannot respect a man who's constantly looking to her for approval and for direction. The panel discussion ended with a lively Q & A session with the audience.
After a brief lunch break it was time for the workshop part of the program. The men were intrigued and captivated by the topics discussed that afternoon on the panel and the workshop session did not disappoint.
The workshop began with Rev. Peterson telling his story of how he overcame the anger and rage that he had towards other people. He talked about hearing a Jewish minister on a local radio station in Los Angeles some twenty-one years ago. He heard the man say that in order to find God all one needs to do is to go into their "prayer closet" and "be quiet"—the minister explained a simple technique of being quiet and Rev. Peterson said that since that day he's been practicing being quiet and his life has not been the same.Jesse explained how anger was holding him back in life and that once he understood what the source of his anger was, how it got inside him, and that he couldn't remove it himself—God set him free of that anger. He was now able to see clearly and had the insight to start BOND, to help other men find that same freedom.
Audience participation was a major part of the workshop. Rev. Peterson asked questions of the men as a group as well as individually, and the men were honest enough to open up about their issues.
A father and his son from Los Angeles discussed how they've been unable to repair their fractured relationship. The son, in his twenties, talked about his desire to be closer with his father, but he didn't know how to even have that conversation. The father admitted that he too wants to be closer to his son, but lacked the patience to listen to and hear what his son had to say. After the workshop both said they now understand how to begin the dialogue and improve their relationship.
This is just one of many examples of the men who opened up and talked about their issues and concerns regarding their lives and relationships with their families. There were adult men in the audience who wanted to repair their relationships with their parents—especially their fathers, but they just didn't know where or how to start.
The men in attendance said they were inspired by the message and the honest discussions that took place. Some said it was their first time attending this type of forum and they appreciated the information and fellowship. And all the men asked said they were going to put into practice what they learned and that they were looking forward to the next conference.
"This was truly a day of spiritual awakening for men," said Rev. Jesse Lee Peterson. "This conference was about rebuilding men and reminding them of their leadership role in the home and in their country. We will continue providing a venue for men to come together in complete honesty so they can learn how to overcome their challenges. The goal is to awaken men and turn the hearts of the fathers to their children, and the hearts of the children to their fathers."
BOND, the Brotherhood Organization of a New Destiny is a 501 (c)(3) nonprofit organization whose purpose is "Rebuilding the Family by Rebuilding the Man." Contributions are tax-deductible to the amount allowable by law. We don't accept any government funds and rely solely on the generous contributions of our supporters to operate our programs and services. The Men's conference was free of charge and open to all men. If you like our work and want to support us, click here to make a tax-deductible donation today.
BOND is celebrating its 20-year anniversary on October 16, 2010. For more information about this event, please visit bondinfo.org. Rev. Peterson is also available for speaking engagements, for more information call (323) 556-2623.
Why Men Fall for Dangerous Relationships - Part 2 of 3
Seven Types of Women Who Can Conspire in a Man’s Downfall
In many ways, the seven types of women most likely to conspire to bring a man down parallel the seven types of men who are most vulnerable to them. They are a good fit. As with the men, the seven types of women run the gamut from benign to malignant. Not all the players fit neatly into one type. Sometimes a woman will display traits from one or more of the following types:
1. The Damsel in Distress: This is the woman who is looking for the White Knight to rescue her. Some damsels are truly dependent and need a man to save them from one crisis to another, and some men are total suckers for this type of woman. They feel better about themselves when they can rescue her from a dragon or some other potential tragedy in the making. The downside of this type is that sometimes the woman’s helplessness masks defects in character or pathology that get revealed later on. Like the Naïve Man, the Damsel in Distress doesn’t want to grow up. She does not mature because to do so would mean embracing the aging process.
2. The Drama Queen: This woman needs to be the center of attention. Often lively and dramatic, she may initially charm new acquaintances by her enthusiasm, apparent openness or flirtatiousness. These qualities wear thin, however, as she continually demands to be in the spotlight. She is theatrical; she exaggerates expressions of emotion. She often embarrasses friends and acquaintances by excessive public displays of emotion that seem to be turned on and off too quickly to be deeply felt. She has problems with intimacy in romantic or sexual relationships.
Flights into romantic fantasy are common. Without being aware of it, these women often act out a role such as queen or victim in their relationships with others. When a man who would be king partners with a woman who is acting the role of queen while disguising her inveterate princess tendencies, he will eventually become disenchanted. Drama Queens typically remain unrequited princesses incapable of ascending to the queen’s throne. They do not want to mature, because to do so would mean to accept and embrace the process being an adult. This is an intimidating prospect and is to be avoided at all cost.
3. The Seductress: She seeks control of her partner through emotional manipulation or seductiveness on one level, while displaying a marked dependency on him on another. She comports herself as the archetype of the Vixen, Siren or Fury. She requires the attention of all the men in the room and gets it by dressing provocatively and displaying a variety of sexually suggestive behaviors. She tends to have impaired relationships with same sex friends because of her sexually provocative interpersonal style. She craves novelty, stimulation and excitement and has a tendency to become bored with the usual routine. If not the center of attention, she may become depressed.
One of my clients told me about a meal with a seductress in which she ate a hot dog in a most sensually erotic fashion. It might have been enticing if the performance had not been graphically acted out in front of his parents and his minor age children. He felt like crawling under the table but was afraid that she might follow him. I’ve had patients involved with such women tell me, “Even though the relationship with the psycho babe was a roller coaster ride from hell, it was the best sex I’ve ever had.” Or, “Nothing like a little psycho-sex to work the kinks out.”
4. The Power Seeker: She’s only interested in men who have personal power, men who can advance her life-style in some generous fashion. These women are social climbers who use relationships to elevate themselves on the ladder of success, even though it is leaning against his wall, not hers. Getting to the top and taking advantage of the prizes along the way is the primary focus. Some women like this are derogatorily referred to as “star-fuckers.” They can leave a man in the rubble of his indiscretion while they rise out of the ashes of his destruction like a phoenix. They may launch an acting career, start their own clothing line, or become newsworthy in some other manner. The men’s stars fall while the women’s continue to twinkle.
Obviously, not every woman who dates or marries a powerful man fits this type. However, where a pattern is established in which men are traded and discarded as one more powerful takes the place of the preceding one, it may be evidence that the power seeker is at work. Often, these women have no personal power of their own and tend to cash in on the man’s station in life. Some time ago in Los Angeles there was a group called The Ladies, made up of the ex-wives of famous men. Many shared their desire to get themselves another famous man to marry, unsatisfied with marrying “just anybody.”
5. The Desperate Woman: She sets up a man to marry her or impregnate her simply to have a baby. The primary agenda is the baby, even under adverse conditions. Sometimes a woman gets pregnant to assure that the man will stay – to trap him. Desperate, she feels that she will be fulfilled only if she can have a child. She also wants to have the financial support so that she can put her attention into mothering rather than employment. Many paternity suits are filed each year to determine the father of origin of a baby.
I have worked with a number of these men in therapy who have told me stories about being in brief relationships in which the woman gets pregnant, has no intention of terminating the pregnancy, and is not interested in whether or not he sticks around. She does want to make sure that the check arrives on a monthly basis until the child turns eighteen. Often, these men want to have access to the child as father and the woman blocks this in some way, including moving out of state.
One man said he met a woman in a bar and had sex with her in the bathroom after she lured him in and locked the door. On their next date they had sex on his boat. He had used protection. When he withdrew after coitus, he was shocked to see that the condom was not where it should have been. He remembered her hand working its way down toward his penis during intercourse. He realized that she had rolled the condom off during the act. Surprise: she wound up pregnant, and after she won the paternity suit and full custody of the child, he wound up with a ruling to pay a lump sum per month each year until the child was no longer of minor age. Some women go after married men specifically because they believe that they will get the kid and the money without being exposed. Most of these married men will not want to reveal the scenario, running the risk of losing everything.
6. The Borderline: Characterized by extreme feats of attention seeking, manipulative behavior and rapidly shifting emotions, this woman is also distinguished by self-destructiveness, angry disruptions in close relationships, chronic feelings of deep emptiness, and identity disturbance including hostile and even violent acting-out forms of conduct disorder. She may appear normal until a stress incident sends her regressing into a more primitive psychotic state. Typically, she suffers from a deeper form of traumatic wounding marked by abandonment and perceived rejection typically by the mother at a very early age. She exhibits an attachment disorder and has learned to distrust that people will be there for her. She is hypersensitive to abandonment (real or imagined), yet is terrified of closeness and attachment. If a man gets too close, she pushes him away; if he steps back, she will try to lure him back with everything she’s got -- or she’ll lash out with a vengeance if he doesn’t respond. Because she feels so empty, she’ll seek out relationships where she can get involved quickly to fill up that emptiness.
While the male narcissistically wounded personality thrives on being mirrored as special, the female Borderline Personality is driven by an intense, often debilitating fear of abandonment and longing for connection. Having suffered the real physical and/or, emotional abandonment of a primary caregiver during early childhood, borderlines grow to idealize potential caregivers. The borderline will tend to initially mirror her attractor in an idealized fashion, only to later knock him off his pedestal when she discovers that he’s just like all the other men that have betrayed, abused and abandoned her. Her one-time prince becomes the “prick” that he obviously was all along. Male and female borderlines tend to become entwined as their connection devolves into a symbiotic enmeshment. A major power struggle over issues of control ensues as the push-pull, approach-avoidance dance spirals into chaos. Like an insect on flypaper, the more one struggles to get free the more entrapped one becomes. Disentangling a relationship between two borderlines can seem a lot like herding cats.
7. The Sex Addict: A fine line exists between what may be considered by most people acceptable sexual behavior and what is sexually addictive or compulsive. This is especially true for women in a society such as ours where sex is often treated as a commodity. Our culture at one time had discouraged women from being assertive and direct in the expression of their sexual needs, thereby encouraging a less direct and potentially seductive or manipulative style. Since the women’s movement of the 60’s we have witnessed a progressively more overt style of sexual expression among women. Some women, however, go beyond these culturally sanctioned behaviors and use sex compulsively as a means of gaining power, control and love.
The idea of being “sexually alluring” may be preferred by sexually addicted women because it fits the romantic, nurturer model of woman, whereas the term "sex addict" connotes a pejorative image of a "nymphomaniac", "slut", or "whore". The "love" that these women describe is often an addiction to the yearning or euphoria of romance, but has little to do with love.
The elements of sex addiction (and any addiction for that matter: compulsion, continuation despite adverse consequences, and preoccupation or obsession) are the same in women as in men. Most sexually addicted women have not had parental role modeling for how to have emotional intimacy in nonsexual ways. Research has shown that there is often a combination of rigidity and lack of emotional support in the sex addict's family of origin. The majority of women sex addicts were sexually abused in childhood -- 78% in one study.
The article concludes next month with Part 3 - Twelve Things Men Can Do to Avoid "Dangerous Relationships"
To read Part 1 click HERE
In many ways, the seven types of women most likely to conspire to bring a man down parallel the seven types of men who are most vulnerable to them. They are a good fit. As with the men, the seven types of women run the gamut from benign to malignant. Not all the players fit neatly into one type. Sometimes a woman will display traits from one or more of the following types:
1. The Damsel in Distress: This is the woman who is looking for the White Knight to rescue her. Some damsels are truly dependent and need a man to save them from one crisis to another, and some men are total suckers for this type of woman. They feel better about themselves when they can rescue her from a dragon or some other potential tragedy in the making. The downside of this type is that sometimes the woman’s helplessness masks defects in character or pathology that get revealed later on. Like the Naïve Man, the Damsel in Distress doesn’t want to grow up. She does not mature because to do so would mean embracing the aging process.
2. The Drama Queen: This woman needs to be the center of attention. Often lively and dramatic, she may initially charm new acquaintances by her enthusiasm, apparent openness or flirtatiousness. These qualities wear thin, however, as she continually demands to be in the spotlight. She is theatrical; she exaggerates expressions of emotion. She often embarrasses friends and acquaintances by excessive public displays of emotion that seem to be turned on and off too quickly to be deeply felt. She has problems with intimacy in romantic or sexual relationships.
Flights into romantic fantasy are common. Without being aware of it, these women often act out a role such as queen or victim in their relationships with others. When a man who would be king partners with a woman who is acting the role of queen while disguising her inveterate princess tendencies, he will eventually become disenchanted. Drama Queens typically remain unrequited princesses incapable of ascending to the queen’s throne. They do not want to mature, because to do so would mean to accept and embrace the process being an adult. This is an intimidating prospect and is to be avoided at all cost.
3. The Seductress: She seeks control of her partner through emotional manipulation or seductiveness on one level, while displaying a marked dependency on him on another. She comports herself as the archetype of the Vixen, Siren or Fury. She requires the attention of all the men in the room and gets it by dressing provocatively and displaying a variety of sexually suggestive behaviors. She tends to have impaired relationships with same sex friends because of her sexually provocative interpersonal style. She craves novelty, stimulation and excitement and has a tendency to become bored with the usual routine. If not the center of attention, she may become depressed.
One of my clients told me about a meal with a seductress in which she ate a hot dog in a most sensually erotic fashion. It might have been enticing if the performance had not been graphically acted out in front of his parents and his minor age children. He felt like crawling under the table but was afraid that she might follow him. I’ve had patients involved with such women tell me, “Even though the relationship with the psycho babe was a roller coaster ride from hell, it was the best sex I’ve ever had.” Or, “Nothing like a little psycho-sex to work the kinks out.”
4. The Power Seeker: She’s only interested in men who have personal power, men who can advance her life-style in some generous fashion. These women are social climbers who use relationships to elevate themselves on the ladder of success, even though it is leaning against his wall, not hers. Getting to the top and taking advantage of the prizes along the way is the primary focus. Some women like this are derogatorily referred to as “star-fuckers.” They can leave a man in the rubble of his indiscretion while they rise out of the ashes of his destruction like a phoenix. They may launch an acting career, start their own clothing line, or become newsworthy in some other manner. The men’s stars fall while the women’s continue to twinkle.
Obviously, not every woman who dates or marries a powerful man fits this type. However, where a pattern is established in which men are traded and discarded as one more powerful takes the place of the preceding one, it may be evidence that the power seeker is at work. Often, these women have no personal power of their own and tend to cash in on the man’s station in life. Some time ago in Los Angeles there was a group called The Ladies, made up of the ex-wives of famous men. Many shared their desire to get themselves another famous man to marry, unsatisfied with marrying “just anybody.”
5. The Desperate Woman: She sets up a man to marry her or impregnate her simply to have a baby. The primary agenda is the baby, even under adverse conditions. Sometimes a woman gets pregnant to assure that the man will stay – to trap him. Desperate, she feels that she will be fulfilled only if she can have a child. She also wants to have the financial support so that she can put her attention into mothering rather than employment. Many paternity suits are filed each year to determine the father of origin of a baby.
I have worked with a number of these men in therapy who have told me stories about being in brief relationships in which the woman gets pregnant, has no intention of terminating the pregnancy, and is not interested in whether or not he sticks around. She does want to make sure that the check arrives on a monthly basis until the child turns eighteen. Often, these men want to have access to the child as father and the woman blocks this in some way, including moving out of state.
One man said he met a woman in a bar and had sex with her in the bathroom after she lured him in and locked the door. On their next date they had sex on his boat. He had used protection. When he withdrew after coitus, he was shocked to see that the condom was not where it should have been. He remembered her hand working its way down toward his penis during intercourse. He realized that she had rolled the condom off during the act. Surprise: she wound up pregnant, and after she won the paternity suit and full custody of the child, he wound up with a ruling to pay a lump sum per month each year until the child was no longer of minor age. Some women go after married men specifically because they believe that they will get the kid and the money without being exposed. Most of these married men will not want to reveal the scenario, running the risk of losing everything.
6. The Borderline: Characterized by extreme feats of attention seeking, manipulative behavior and rapidly shifting emotions, this woman is also distinguished by self-destructiveness, angry disruptions in close relationships, chronic feelings of deep emptiness, and identity disturbance including hostile and even violent acting-out forms of conduct disorder. She may appear normal until a stress incident sends her regressing into a more primitive psychotic state. Typically, she suffers from a deeper form of traumatic wounding marked by abandonment and perceived rejection typically by the mother at a very early age. She exhibits an attachment disorder and has learned to distrust that people will be there for her. She is hypersensitive to abandonment (real or imagined), yet is terrified of closeness and attachment. If a man gets too close, she pushes him away; if he steps back, she will try to lure him back with everything she’s got -- or she’ll lash out with a vengeance if he doesn’t respond. Because she feels so empty, she’ll seek out relationships where she can get involved quickly to fill up that emptiness.
While the male narcissistically wounded personality thrives on being mirrored as special, the female Borderline Personality is driven by an intense, often debilitating fear of abandonment and longing for connection. Having suffered the real physical and/or, emotional abandonment of a primary caregiver during early childhood, borderlines grow to idealize potential caregivers. The borderline will tend to initially mirror her attractor in an idealized fashion, only to later knock him off his pedestal when she discovers that he’s just like all the other men that have betrayed, abused and abandoned her. Her one-time prince becomes the “prick” that he obviously was all along. Male and female borderlines tend to become entwined as their connection devolves into a symbiotic enmeshment. A major power struggle over issues of control ensues as the push-pull, approach-avoidance dance spirals into chaos. Like an insect on flypaper, the more one struggles to get free the more entrapped one becomes. Disentangling a relationship between two borderlines can seem a lot like herding cats.
7. The Sex Addict: A fine line exists between what may be considered by most people acceptable sexual behavior and what is sexually addictive or compulsive. This is especially true for women in a society such as ours where sex is often treated as a commodity. Our culture at one time had discouraged women from being assertive and direct in the expression of their sexual needs, thereby encouraging a less direct and potentially seductive or manipulative style. Since the women’s movement of the 60’s we have witnessed a progressively more overt style of sexual expression among women. Some women, however, go beyond these culturally sanctioned behaviors and use sex compulsively as a means of gaining power, control and love.
The idea of being “sexually alluring” may be preferred by sexually addicted women because it fits the romantic, nurturer model of woman, whereas the term "sex addict" connotes a pejorative image of a "nymphomaniac", "slut", or "whore". The "love" that these women describe is often an addiction to the yearning or euphoria of romance, but has little to do with love.
The elements of sex addiction (and any addiction for that matter: compulsion, continuation despite adverse consequences, and preoccupation or obsession) are the same in women as in men. Most sexually addicted women have not had parental role modeling for how to have emotional intimacy in nonsexual ways. Research has shown that there is often a combination of rigidity and lack of emotional support in the sex addict's family of origin. The majority of women sex addicts were sexually abused in childhood -- 78% in one study.
The article concludes next month with Part 3 - Twelve Things Men Can Do to Avoid "Dangerous Relationships"
To read Part 1 click HERE
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
