By Dan Franklin, MFT
My
impressions of the spring retreat are from the wonderful vantage point of being
a long-time staff member of the counsel of men that puts these retreats together.
A lot of work goes into the preparation as well as the trickster energy that
allows all of us up on the mountain to be surprised and somehow changed by what
happens to us there despite the best laid plans. What we don’t plan is often
what turns out to be some of the highlights of the weekend. Funny how that
works.
The
weekend is designed to shift our consciousness to another place… more open… more
alert… more aware… even a bit more courageous. Something extraordinary occurs
in the process of men gathering to trust each other, to share, to reveal,
re-charge and re-invigorate. It is a
booster shot well placed for those of us who just want to get away for a while,
or need to ask a life-altering question, or simply enjoy the congeniality of
hanging out with a bunch of really good guys.
Over
the years (and I’ve attended more than I can count) it never fails to fascinate
me how the mere commitment to change animates that process. We tend to get what
we focus on in life, and three days on the mountain can put a lot of things into
focus.
This
retreat held a slightly smaller group than usual, but it created an intimate
connection as each man got to know everyone up there. For starters, the setting is spectacular,
high above the blue Pacific. As you stand on a hillside edge, it’s easy to
imagine the Native American experience of scanning a pristine landscape and
that same blue ocean for generations. The drumming, sweat lodges, the
ceremonial flavor of the retreat, all do justice to the sacred grounds. In
another way, the experience gives modern men who live in the cities by and
large, and with busy stressful lives, a rare rendezvous with their natural
outward-bound terrain and numerous vehicles for inner-bound exploration.
How
bad can that be? That’s why we always confidently predict each retreat will be
uniquely special… and they all are. I’ve
never been to two that are alike, not so much in the sense that the approach to
work on the mountain changes as how each man and the dynamics of the
participants interaction has its own particular feel.
We
staff members at times joke about our “best laid plans” to give the
participants the best possible experience and watch as each man finds his way,
in his own way. Lest we forget: you get a bunch of guys together, far from career
and work, wives, lovers, kids, and some form of party can’t help but break out.
It warms my heart to see good, earnest men at play. The dialogue can be
hilarious, or serious, profound or bawdy.
Research
and just plain old observation tells us that men need space… to breathe... to
think… to stop thinking. Men need to
feels their hearts and minds… to get back in touch with their bodies, to walk
in dirt, or even mud when we catch a little rain as was the case this time. We
loved that stuff as kids. It serves us that we don’t forget the boy in us that
needs a playground now and then.
Time
on the mountain feels different. There is a suspended quality to it that is
relaxing and engaging, call it what you will. You can feel the difference after
a few hours. Some of the men got soaked coming out of the sweat lodge due to
the rain. It was a joyous mess. We just don’t get to do that kind of stuff
enough.
There
were plenty of moments where men, either in their tribes, one-on-one, or
perhaps on a solitary walk, had epiphanies, moments of clarity and insight. And
they shared them with each other. My favorite times at our retreats are the
one-on-one conversations. They sprang up all over the place. As I’d walk around
the grounds, I’d see two or maybe three guys deep in conversation, or sharing
martial arts moves, or just clowning around. Men can get pretty aggressive and
competitive down the mountain, as they compete for jobs, contracts, women,
sports victory - but all that somehow seems to get checked at the door of the
container lodge where the opening ceremony takes place. Brotherhood can be an
overused word, but there is a lot of relatively instant and spontaneous outbreaks
of it as men relax and gather for common purpose.
I
lead what we call a break-out session on the subject of worthwhile
relationships, particularly of the yin-meets-yang variety, if you know what I
mean. It’s amazing how willing men are to speak their truth about their
relationships to women when others will speak freely as well. I’m always struck
by the respect men actually have for their partners, even while admittedly
being clueless at times as to how to proceed.
When men can tell the truth about any subject or situation, there’s an
opportunity for greater wisdom and new growth.
Nick
Rath offered his usual insightful view of parenting in his break-out sessions,
which expanded the idea of good parenting to good modeling and leadership when men
are in the company of young people, even not in their family circle. I think
his teaching points speak to the family of man and woman.
Our
re-birthing exercise is always interesting in that, while it sounds a bit
mysterious and esoteric, it’s really the
elegantly simple act of breathing in a rhythmic way and getting in touch with
your own energy. Stripped of the layers of responsibilities, agendas and
encounters with time bandits “down the mountain,” we can get to the core of
things.
There’s
no right way to “do” our retreats.
Something just happens, and in a different way for every man. This retreat
was no exception. I’m glad we do this. It’s good for good men to gather, good
for the nervous system and good for the soul. What can be lost in the details
or the telling is the sheer joy of freedom one gets for a few days. It’s a
special time in a special place. It’s a gift all of us give to each other. If
you are reading this and you haven’t done it… catch the next train going… up
that mountain. Peace. Out!
Dan is the Director of Counseling
Services for The Men’s Center of Los Angeles and long time staff member of The
Sacred Path Wisdom Council
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