Stephen Johnson - In Memory of a Fallen Brother

Sunday, January 4, 2009

In Memory of a Fallen Brother


Dear brothers and sisters,

It is with profound and deep sadness that I must inform you of the passing of my dear friend and beloved brother, Timothy “Whispering Eagle” Aguilar. Timothy died of internal bleeding Saturday night at Daniel Freeman Marina Del Ray Hospital.

I was sitting at my desk yesterday morning working on the newsletter when a call came in from Albert Marrewa telling me that he had just learned that Timothy had been taken to the emergency room earlier in the morning. He said that Timothy’s brother had tried to contact me. I checked my voice messages and had a message from Steve, Timothy’s brother, indicating that he was on his way back from San Diego and that Timothy was in critical condition. I dressed and called my son, Ian, who had a close relationship with Timothy and with his son Ziari. I picked up Steve Branker and headed for the hospital. We pulled into the hospital parking lot as Ian, Timothy’s brother and his wife, Rene, were arriving. Ziari, his girlfriend Shana, and Timothy’s girlfiend, Sherry, were with Timothy at the time.

The emergency room doctors and nurses were having difficulty stabilizing Timothy’s blood pressure. It was 74 over 36 when I arrived and it would fluctuate from lows to as high as 124 over 95 and then back down again. I went in to see him and he was barely conscious. He was trying to speak but really couldn’t get the words out. I held his hand and stroked his head and we shared some tender moments together as I encouraged him to fight the good fight and expressed my love for him. As relatives, friends and Sacred Path Wisdom Council men arrived, our spirits would swing with the highs and lows of his blood pressure readings. They needed to stabilize him in order to take him into surgery to determine where the bleeding was coming from. He was bleeding internally faster than they could infuse blood into him.

At one point, within 5 minutes of a nurse giving us a hopeful pep talk another nurse entered the waiting room to tell us that the news was not good. His heart had stopped and they were able to get it started again but he was slowing down. She asked for next-of-kin to come with her. As loved ones gathered we huddled together to keep our spirits up. Ian and I went to get coffee and Mike O’Grady went to the deli to get sandwiches and soup. We were faithful and created a prayer circle while Ed Munter led us in a prayer over a cell phone from his location in 5 feet of snow in Oregon. I had good talks with Timothy’s father and others who were close to him as we spoke of him with such affection and caring.

Timothy’s valiant battle to survive lasted for several hours until he made his transition at 8pm. We were with him in the final moments and surrounded his bed to say our goodbyes and to wish him a good journey home. His Eagle Spirit soared over his fallen body, that body that once stood so erect and statuesque, reminding us to stand a little straighter and to walk with the dignity of the divine beings that we truly are. He was free and was dancing on the other plain, in the realm next to us. We could feel it and Irene Skau chanted over him to sing him into the light.

I sit in my home office in the center of my altars with my candles and incense burning and with the CD of The Prayer Cycle playing in the background as I write to you. This was some of Timothy’s favorite music, and as I gaze at the 3 altars that surround me I am amidst an assemblage of gifts that my brother has bestowed on me over the many years that we were partners on the Sacred Path. At each retreat we would exchange a medicine gift upon our arrival and we would bless each other and say a prayer for all those in attendance. After the retreat I would take my love gift home and place it on one of my altars and then we would often call each other to wax on about what a great retreat we just experienced. “This retreat was the best,” we would exclaim. How was that possible, we would muse, because there were so many and each one was always the very best?

In a way I must admit that I feel at a loss for words to express the depth of my feelings for this man I called my soulful brother. While I am flooded with memories, my mind can’t fathom the loss that we must contend with now. It’s unimaginable that we have lost such a magnificent human being. He gave so much to so many. He was always so selfless and generous with his love. What he gave to my family and me was immense. He would always remind me that he had my back. He was a strong presence in my life. Whether he was sitting next to me in our Wisdom Councils or in the community gatherings or climbing next to me on the ropes course, we were never above or below each other. And I always felt taller in his presence. I always shined a little brighter when I stood next to his radiance. My smiles were always a bit wider and my tears fell more easily when with him. His grace enshrouded me. I felt safer and more steadfast when around him. He enhanced my compassion as he modeled such humility and forgiveness. I lacked for nothing when we were together. The gifts that he gave me will always be in my heart to forever guide me through his eternal wisdom and love. Our companionship will live on without end. We were first and foremost brothers of the spirit, and that is immortal.

It may be tempting to wonder if we could have done more for him, if we could have given more to him, to even attempt to match what he has given to us. Inasmuch as we are tempted to ponder these questions, I know that Timothy always felt that his love was returned to him in immeasurable ways. He would never want us to second-guess ourselves or to feel that we were any less than how he held us in his expansive consciousness. Remember when he would chide you to be your best and he would nudge you to reveal the greatness of who you are destined to be? May I humbly suggest that when you think of Timothy, be mindful of his message to you and always aspire to be that person that his words inspired you to be. He modeled it and his Eagle Spirit will be soaring above and watching over us, and don’t be surprised if you hear him whispering in your ear, “I see you. I know who you are.”

So, Timothy, my dear friend and Soulmate on the Sacred path, I miss you in this moment more than words can convey. My heart has cracked open with such fervent emotion, that same intense feeling that we have felt for those that we have cared for over the years, and now beloved brother, I am swallowed up in the grief of my own personal loss in this world. But, I will remember and I will look for you in all that I see and listen for your gentle whispers and our spirits will dance together forever. I love you.

Namaste,
Stephen